Fankle Hysteria

Aaaah!

I deeply apologize for the infrequent updates, but launching Fankle magazine has left us little time for anything else! A barrage of e-mails, letters, and phone calls wondering when the big date is, when T-shirts will be available, how to join the fan club, who to contact for pictures, etc.

We're doing the best we can! We'll keep you up-to-date and thanks for being fearless!

Have a Fankley kind of day!

Joseph Long, Editor-in-Chief
Jonathan Long, Assistant Editor-in-Chief

Loving the Liar

I have only recently discovered some news that brings sadness to my soul. Many of you may remember a recent post in which I bragged about my wife taking Second Place in the Bloomsday Race.

False.


I stumbled across a photo today in which it was revealed to me that not only was she not in the Top Two, she was not even in the Top Thirty Thousand. She finished 31,422nd.

That is a considerable distance from 2nd. Very disappointing.

Why she chose to lie to me, to deceive all of us about something so important, is something that me and our Daughter will probably never understand. Sometimes the ways in which people scream out for help are difficult to comprehend.

Although I did actually make some passing remark about loving her more if she finished in the Top Two.

This week, Uncle Jonny and I will be talking about "Disappointment." Stay tuned.

Fankle News #1

I will be commenting on Uncle Jonny's Survival List tonight. I am overjoyed that I have raised a brother who has taken my teachings to heart.

Go to his blog at
http://formynephewchild.blogspot.com/

If you would like to buy a print of this image (4x6), you may order one for $4.45. All proceeds will go toward Daughter's College Fund and/or her father's plasma television, whichever seems more relevant to general family happiness in the next 12 months.

A limited run of 500,000 will be sold, so order NOW.

NOTE: there will be upcoming news about the new magazine I've been asked to launch. It's entitled "Fankle" and is geared towards new fathers and uncles, and people who like to Spy.

Seriously, it is going to be the Must-Get subscription, once it's out.

Peace, but pack a survival kit and watch Red Dawn.

Joseph I. Long, Editor-at-Large,
Fankle Magazine

People to Know, pt. 001

Number 001 of 149

I have decided to begin another three-digit series that I may or may not finish.

Probably won't.

Malcolm Gladwell describes the "Principle of 150." Without going into details, the idea is that 150 people is the ideal group size (something about ratio of the neocortex to entire brain, I don't know, I'm not really a geologist). The gist is that 150 is the maximum number of people a group can have before its members cease to have a genuinely social relationship with each other. So I have decided to assemble a list of 150 people my daughter will need to know when she shows up in, uhh, about EIGHT WEEKS!

More to follow on the primary criteria. These are the no-brainers. If there is anyone out there worried about not being on the list, well, you should worry. Feel free to submit an application to me outlining the reasons you should be part of my daughter's 150 circle.

These are people she NEEDS TO KNOW, regardless of whether I like them or not. In fact, there may even be people on here I can't stand.

Actually...actually there won't be.

_______

TO MY DAUGHTER: YOUR 150 LIST :
001: Jon "Ponderosa Pine" Ponder.

Relevancy: literature fiend, poet, music wonker*, existential travelist, listmaker, real good spellist, Radiohead conversationalist, believes in libraries, sometimes laughs at your dad's insights, thinks your father is cool, will probably visit you out of the blue if you consistently bother him about it, will introduce you to poets your dad doesn't know about.

*if Mr. Ponder ever reads this, please submit a list for "Top Five Albums to Listen to in the First Six Months of Existence."

Return from Spokane

Independence
Becca and Daughter returned from Spokane this afternoon. I spent 53 hours on my own. The first two were exhilarating, but then I started missing the girls and the independent thing wore off. So I worked on the house, embroidered a slug* on a patch for my work jeans, and watched Gil Grissom take down baddies in Vegas at 1:00 am.

*when I say "slug," i am not being metaphoric. i really did stitch a slug. i do not know why. it seemed visionary at midnight.

Pride
Becca took 2nd in the Bloomsday Run. Although it may seem odd that I would be proud of her for coming in second, as opposed to actually winning, it is true. I really am proud of her. We had high expectations for her and had planned on her victory, but life can throw you spitballs, so thus we settled for First Loser, as Matt W pointed out. I have not actually verified that she placed second, but we have the kind of relationship where even the smallest "white" lies are not acceptable, so I know I can unquestioningly trust that she did indeed finish "second."

More Is Not Always More
Note Ia: Joseph Arthur: good concert, not as fun as last time. Probably too much weed. Mr. Arthur. Not me.

Note Ib: do not smoke weed, at least not until you've already done something really successful. Note: I do not smoke weed.

It's very good to have my girls back.

Note II: go to Jonny's blog. Very charming and occasionally percipient.

First Concert

Daughter is going to her first concert tonight. The inestimable Joseph Arthur and the Lonely Astronauts at the Doug Fir Lounge.

We saw him play last October when Torsten was eight months in the womb. Alas, he and his mother will not be accompanying us for outing #2, but we will be joined by Uncle Matthew and Aunt Leanna.

For those of you who have never heard Joseph Arthur: go buy "Redemption's Son" NOW.

Hero 001

I have decided to begin a series ingeniously entitled "The Hero Chronicles."

Basically still image collages of me in various heroic scenarios. So my daughter will know how cool I am.

This is "Joseph Slaughters the Minotaur."

Note: I like to title my images with three digit numerals. Mostly to convey the idea that there will be numerous pieces to follow. Usually I make it to about 002, sometimes 003.

We'll see.

Daughter was hiccuping today. Nine weeks and counting.