Written: 11-24-06
Dear Fenton(ella) Jamey,
Welcome to the world.
Your first few years will be filled with wonderment and joy. Soon thereafter you will realize several things. Your daddy's (?) fashion sense is not to be trusted. Do not take his advice that you will look "really sharp" at the prom with athletic goggles. Speaking of girls (hopefully), your adolescent years will be filled with conflict. There will be pain, tears, broken bones, and laughter, in that order (after the laughter, ask daddy's forgiveness; he pays your car insurance).
As to the tribulation caused by girl problems, take heart! It gets MUCH easier!
...Actually, just kidding. It doesn't.
You will be asked by your uncles on an ever-increasing basis which one is your favorite. Chuckle and play their game, but remember to always remind them that your Uncle Jamey is your Number One.
Be friendly and forgiving to everyone. Especially the wealthy. And your parents. Pushing the myriad stupidities they seemingly cannot cease to commit, they love you, want the best for you, and want to see you happy...this does not mean you should wear the goggles or wear a comb-over to church.
Play music. It fulfills two objectives:
1. It will make you invincible to women, and
2. It will feed your soul...in the grand scheme of things it's mainly about the girls, however.
Be happy. Love your family (the Longs are like the Mafia, only tighter). Listen to your parents (unless it has to do with clothing selection). Love God. Revere me.
Love,
Uncle Jamey
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