HEY BECCA, SO SORRY ABOUT THE MIX-UP.

Hey B,

I am so sorry, I inadvertently drank some of your leftover iced coffee several times this morning! It’s difficult to tell since we both have ones in the fridge, but I think you’ll be able to identify yours when you get home by how much is in each one (yours will have less in it by that point).

Again, I am so sorry for what has kept happening. If there was a better way to identify them, I’d love to know, but there’s definitely not, so no use trying. Anyway, on the upside, you’ll have a delicious leftover beverage to enjoy when you get home! I’m not completely sure how much, and the whipped cream will likely have evaporated into nothingness due to the chemical reaction of being in the refrigerator.

Ciao,

J.

HEY BECCA, HERE'S SOMETHING MARVELOUS,

Hey B,

I’m going to try and say this to you gently, yet include the amount of kind brutality that is warranted in this circumstance.

When you came home last week all excited and authoritarian and informing us, without a vote, that we were “...going to watch Thor” on a school night, then none of us wanted to ruin your exultation, at least in that moment. It was an enjoyable experience, and I am happy that you enjoyed watching it with our children. However, I’d like to provide a little bit of clarity before your hubris concerning your knowledge of the Marvel Cinematic Universe becomes too great. So, a few thoughts to mull before you go asking questions about why Iron Man and the Transformers don’t work together anymore.

- Despite your persistent and insistent belief to the contrary, Spock is not a part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU).

- As an aside, Spock is also not a part of the Star Wars Universe.

- The sequel to Thor, despite your insistence, is not Thor 2: The Next Generation.

- Again, the sequel to Thor is not Thor: Deep Space Nine.

- Captain Kirk is not secretly Iron Man.

- Star Trek and Star Wars are not interchangeable universes.

Speaking of universes, again, it is so wonderful that you chose to introduce Thor to our children...yet I want to protect you from their judgment, which will certainly occur if you continue on the path of understanding you are currently on.

I don’t want you to feel bad - or rather overly bad - but let’s talk a little about the chronological order of the MCU. It’s great that you got to see Chris Hemsworth shirtless; his body is most certainly a glorious marvel, and has inspired me to start doing push-ups next week, or sometime; but at the risk of sounding ungrateful, you really did a disservice to our children in demanding that they watch Thor before Iron Man. There is a certain order to the Universe , including Marvel’s, and I fear that because of your own ignorance, you may be leading our children down a path where their understanding of important life knowledge, such as the chronology of Marvel’s characters, is upside down. Or rather, tilted. So I will help you, and my hope is that at some point you will choose to help yourself and not willfully wall yourself off from knowledge.

This is the chronology of the films. When you are ready, which is a distant point in the future, then we will address the Marvel television component:

1. Captain America: the First Avenger
2. Iron Man
3. Incredible Hulk - epilogue only
4. Iron Man 2
5. Thor
6. The Avengers
7. Iron Man 3
8. Thor: The Dark World
9. Captain America: the Winter Soldier
10. Guardians of the Galaxy
11. Guardians of the Galaxy 2
12. The Avengers: Age of Ultron
13. Ant-Man
14. Captain America: Civil War
15. Spider-Man: Homecoming
16. Doctor Strange
17. Black Panther*

Again, this is said with affection and more than anything, I want to save you from the brutal judgment of our children in future years and prevent them from looking at you at having led them into a universe of confusion and chaos within the MC. I say this for the children. It’s for them and for their future.

We should probably start watching Iron Man this morning. A good first step would be remembering that he is not a Decepticon.

With all the affection I can muster, given the recent quality of your decision-making,

J

* I have been unable to see yet, but I think this is correct

HEY BECCA,

Hey.

I was going to surprise you and put in new flooring today while you were gone, but then I didn’t have time, so I ate a bunch of the cookies our daughter made instead. Surprise!

Bye.

HEY BECCA,

Did a quick test with the piano to make sure it can handle Christmas chords. Think we’re good to go, but I’ll triple-check so it’s ready for when holiday season starts, whenever that is. I haven’t really been paying attention.

Hey Becca,

Hey.

Your children are liars. You cannot trust anything they say, especially if they tell you we have been listening to Christmas music. It may be a fact, but it is not necessarily the truth. Technically it falls into what some might call the truth, but it is not an accurate picture.

This is it: the children, as you know, love Sia, and apparently she has a new album out today, which I briefly sampled to see if it would be a good fit for our family during the narrow band of Christmas we strictly, mostly-appropriately, and fully-legally celebrate from November 24-December 25. I did not enjoy it, because it is not time to enjoy that music yet, but I think that we may enjoy it, especially tracks 2,5,6,7, and 9 when it’s legal to listen to it. Again, I am sorry that you have raised liars and spies.

Trust nobody. Merry Friday, Dear.

Bye.

Hey Becca, it was pretty much an accident.

Hey, I accidentally downloaded some Christmas music this morning, but don’t worry, I haven’t listened at all, except to check a few times to make sure they were the right ones. I’ll run one more check or two to make sure, and then that’s definitely it. Also, don’t tell your sister; she will likely not be forgiving for this unavoidable mishap. Bye.

#november24strong

Hey Becca,

Hypothetically, is cold spaghetti and peanut M&Ms a good afternoon snack choice?

Hey Becca, one more thing,

I forgot to tell you that I forgot to make and take a lunch today. But I did find a full bag of the leftover brownies our daughter made recently. They were somehow - miraculously! - in our automobile waiting to help someone in need. They had walnuts and peanut butter in them. Probably organic. Protein, Omega-3 or 4 or higher, the good stuff with antioxidants and stuff. Nuts are so good for you! I ate the whole bag just to be on the safe side. And there was a partial bag of chips - miraculously! - in the front seat as well. Good news: they were CORN chips. So, pretty much nuts and vegetables for lunch. I feel invigorated. Definitely having dessert tonight. Talk soon.

J.

Hey Becca, it's your birthday!

Are we out of liquid aminos? Oh, and it's your birthday.

___

Was it odd watching the 20-year old barista flirt with my wife? No, adorable more than anything. Plus, it’s her birthday and they were bantering well. Also, he added sprinkles to her drink. Thanks for still coming home with me, Countess Becca. You bring me great joy. And sorry, kid. Great taste though. And good coffee.

#presh #I❤️us #sizzling38

Hey Becca, it's your anniversary, and mine!

...

We've been wed a while now. We should open that 20-year old can of Nuteena today.
___

Here's the plan: we listen to a bunch of ABBA and Judas Priest. And then wing the rest. #planner

___

In response to your upcoming inquiry: sadly, the answer is yes. The children DID get into the dark chocolate peanut butter cups you just got. I failed to stop them. I am so, so sorry.

P.S. The hashtag you invented is awesome.

#15andout

___

If someone was to get you either a giant television OR a motorcycle today, which one would you most prefer? #hypothetical #ornot

___

I don't want to freak you out, but Costco has Christmas stuff out, and I'm afraid if we don't jump on it now, everything will be gone. Shall I grab an extra cart and throw in everything I can fit? I'll get some straps to tie down stuff on top of our automobile too. One fake tree, or three, just to be safe?

#holidaypanic #valentinesdayiscomingfast

___

OVERHEARD (ANONYMOUS).

Let's look for a new mother on Pinterest,
one child grumbled to another with wicked grin.

No.
I said.

___

"Well-read people are less likely to be evil." *

So true, mostly. Doing our part to try and make the world less evil, along with the magnificent, personable Washougal Community Library. Thanks for being awesome and un-wicked.

*Mr. Lemony Snicket

Hey Becca,

In retrospect, I could probably have found a healthier mid-afternoon snack than a crammed fistful of two week-old crunched up sour cream & onion potato chips mixed in with salty peanuts and chocolate chips, but on review of my retrospect, I think I made a good decision. And dark chocolate is good for your heart, right? Don't be mad, I have been working too hard for our family to withstand your fury if I made an incorrect decision. If I could do it over again, I would definitely not consider making the opposite of what you would have not hoped I would do, or the other. Anyway, I will save some for you to try; I will try to anyway. The chocolate chips are gone though, as of five minutes from now. Sorry.

Trying to do the right thing,

J.

P.S. it wasn't dark chocolate

Hey Becca,

First of all, I'm FINE, so don't freak out. But, I think I interrupted a burglary in progress at our home. No sign of anyone, but the leftover cake in our refrigerator has a GIANT piece removed from it, as I'm sure you'll notice when you get home. I'm hoping that's the only thing he - or she - got. And I hope he or she enjoyed it, because it really is tasty, if my memory serves, although I can't speak authoritatively, having only had a very petite slice myself, a while back, or so.

Anyway, I don't see other signs of foul play, just the knowledge that our home has probably been violated by someone who chose to break in and try to steal everything we own, but because of my alertness, was able to get away with nothing but a full stomach of absolutely divine and delicious cake. In fact, now that I look at, there's even more gone than I thought. I am so sorry to have to tell you this.

Again, I am emotionally shaken, but physically sound, and probably just need something to eat to calm my nerves. I'll see what I can find. See you soon, and could you pick up some whipped cream on the way home? I think the robber took a bunch of that too.

J.

SORRY, WONDER WOMAN.

Dear Becca, 

Accidentally just deleted you from my "favorites" contact list on my mobile phone. Probably won't have time to add you back this year. Sorry. Text me.

___

There's a new superhero movie coming out tomorrow? Had no idea. Bah. Big deal.

DEAR BECCA, THANK YOU FOR PRETENDING TO LOVE PUBLIC ENEMY TOO,

Thank you for being supportive of my infatuation for Run The Jewels.

HEY BECCA, WE GOT AN EMERGENCY,

I've learned at least 27 important pieces of advice from you over the years, but none may be more valuable than this:

When you run out of creamer for coffee, the only viable alternative is to open up the freezer and put our ice cream to use. There is something magical about ice cream, in any form, before 7am.

P.S. Becca we are out of creamer.

Hey Becca,

Did you remember to buy the plane tickets to Madrid...or was that my job? 😬 If so, I am so sorry, and we can still watch a movie or something tonight. Happy February 14. I appreciate you, and your flexibility. With scheduling and such.

- Joseph

Hey Becca,

I did the maths, and there are five cookies remaining. There are four of us who currently eat cookies in this household. I think I have devised a plan that will make things simple for all of us tomorrow, and it involves there being four cookies left when you wake up in the morning. I pray I have eased your stresses, and if I have done so, you are welcome, and we will all have one cookie apiece to enjoy tomorrow.

Also, I will try* to save you one of the bigger ones.

- Joseph

*no promises though

HEY BECCA, I TOOK THE INITIATIVE WITH THE REFRIGERATOR ISSUE!

Hi Bec,

We were running out of room in the refrigerator, so I ate the last piece of cheesecake because it was taking up an enormous amount of space. I think you'll be really pleased.

- J

Hey Becca,

I don't know how to tell you this. It's hard and I don't know where to begin, but here goes: I'm not going to defend my actions. What I did was wrong, and as I'm sitting out here in the car, alone, I'm struggling to figure out the best way to tell you. You're not going to be happy, and I don't blame you. I'm putting this out in public in the spirit of transparency and I take full responsibility for the situation, although there were other people involved that pressured me into it. I don't want to lose what we've had, and we WILL get back on track. No more stalling, it's time for you to find out, and it's actually not totally my fault when you think about it, in fact, I'm not sure that I even deserve much responsibility, or even any, but I was there, and technically I did press Play.

Yes. I let the children listen to two Christmas songs this afternoon when you weren't around. I know we've had a commitment to each other, to our family, to wait until after Thanksgiving, but I lost control of the situation for a moment, or six minutes perhaps. Is there anything I can do to earn back your trust? Again, I'm sorry, and it will probably happen again but it definitely will not be my fault. Your children are the monsters. Get them under control and remind them of the values we hold as a family.

I do hold you largely responsible for this lapse in judgment - why did you leave us unattended with a music device?

In love and forgiveness.

Your fellow parent of the beasts.

HEY BECCA, YOU BARELY LOOK LIKE SPOCK ANYMORE.

Hey Bec,

Just so you know, I had a mini-uprising on my hands when I suggested we watch an episode of Star Trek tonight:

"No!! We ONLY watch it when Mama's here!"

Peeps got yo back, even when your husband doesn't. Happy 14, Dear, although I will say that when you called earlier, I was right in the middle of listening to Hole's Violet, which is, like one of the greatest songs ever, and I turned it off to take your call, so there's that as far as gauging my level of affection after one-point-four decades. I woulda let anyone else go to voicemail. I truly love you more than Courtney Love, and possibly even Claire Huxtable.

Thank you for still finding a mild level of enjoyment at my inerring and unswerving normalcy. I feel we continue to be well-matched on that highway.

Adieu, ciao, je t'adore, later dude.

-Josie

P.S.
Happy Anniversary