NOTHING SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE...A BURRITO.

Maybe all along we should have been leaving Santa a couple enchiladas instead of another stupid plate of sugar cookies with no nutritional value.

POEM : ODE TO WILLIAM CARLOS WILLIAMS.

Dreamed a dream, a little dream.

A little dream with cold ice cream.

No, not ala mode cold
Ice cream with something fresh, not old.

Like apple, berry, something sweet.
Please, I beg, keep out the meat.

With that creamy ice I’d like to try
Nothing more than fresh warm peachy pie.

“KEEP IT OUT, YOU’RE GONNA NEED IT LATER” (JEREMY’S CLASSIC SMOOTHIE RECIPE).

Note: this is a summary of two different phone conversations with my brother Jeremy over the course of a couple days. I am paraphrasing him and passing them off as one hundred percent direct quotes, which I have informed him of and he is mostly okay with. The truth lies within this conversation. I will write a follow-up post if there are horrific inaccuracies that he has trouble with. 

Note II: he has literally* trademarked the phrase “keep it out, you’ll be needing it later.”

_______

So tell me about your process for making a smoothie.

I said.

Well,

Jeremy said.

I’ll tell you the process for making Jeremy’s Classic Smoothie. This is my classic go-to.

Okay.

I said.

Go.

So what you need to start with,

he said.

is pea protein. Preferably vanilla. You can get it at Trader Joe’s. You could use whey, but I’m allergic to it.

Following so far.

I said.

A couple scoops,

he said.

Or so. If you lose the scoop, which I do frequently, then use two scoops with, uhh, a spoon or something. 

Why do you keep losing the scoop?

I asked.

Then you add in a handful of ice to the blender.

he ignored me.

A small handful. And I don’t usually lose it, it’s usually just buried at the bottom of the protein powder and I can’t find it.  

Got it. 

I said, taking careful notes while I listened on speaker phone. 

Then,

he said,

you add in almond milk.

Alright,

I said,

And then -

He interrupted me:

Leave out the almond milk. KEEP IT OUT. You’ll be needing it again.

Whoa.

I said.

Is it a big deal to leave it out, or not?

You just need to keep it out,

he said, annoyed.

This is quite the process you have,

I observed.

Then you shove a banana into the blender. Shove it in.

he said.

Preferably you’ll have taken it out of the fridge so it’s firm and cold. But if you didn’t you can just use a regular banana that’s been sitting out. That should work too. Shove it in. 

Got it all down so far.

I said.

This is really important:

he said.

Then you dribble a little honey on everything. A little. But DON’T put the honey away. Keep it out. You’ll be needing it again. 

Okay.

I said.

Then you’re going to take out a granola bar.

He said.

Unwrap it. I like to use Nature Valley honey and oat granola bar, but you could probably use another brand if you had to. 

Okay.

I said. 

Granola bar. Check.

Then,

he said.

the blender should be getting full. Keep the blender out. Don’t move it anywhere. You’re going to taste it now.

So we’re done?

I asked naively.

No!

he snapped.

You’re going to TASTE it so you can refine it. You’ll need to refine the texture, the sweetness, the smoothness, the iciness, and the liquidity. You’re refining now. Get a spoon and take a taste. Speaking of smoothness, do you know that the word ‘smoothie’ actually comes from the word ‘smoothness?’

So,

I started to ask,

You - 

He interrupted testily. 

I can’t believe I forgot to include a step.

Is it a big deal?

I asked.

Well, not really, 

he clarified.

That’s the beauty of Jeremy’s Classic Smoothie. Embrace the forgetfulness! I’m not embarrassed I forgot something. It’s open to experimentation. So what I skipped over is the peanut butter. That should go in after the small handful of ice.

Sounds good.

I said.

Just dump some in?

You’ll take a spoon.

He said.

And scoop out some peanut butter and put into the blender on top of the ice. 

Okay.

I said.

Now, 

he explained.

We should talk about the peanut butter. Is it a shared jar, or a personal jar? If it’s a personal jar, then you’re going to double-dip. You’re gonna put it back in, scoop, then dip it IN the smoothie and clean off the spoon that way. That’s the genius of it. Also, I prefer to use refrigerated peanut butter, but you can experiment. 

So is that it?

I asked.

Peanut butter’s in, everything’s in, good to go?

NO!

He said. 

Now we’re back to the refining stage. You’re going to mix a little more almond milk in. Because you kept it out.

Right.

I said.

And then,

he said.

You’re going to mix some more honey in. Because you kept it out.

Right.

I said.

And now put them away?

No.

He said.

Keep them out. You might still need them.

Do you measure carefully?

I asked.

This is the thing.

He said.

You need to create a system that works for you. My trick and my system is to re-blend and keep refining. It’s all about the sweetening and the smoothing. You need to find the right sweetness and smoothness.

That is quite an elaborate process.

I said.

But simple.

Yes. 

he said.

The biggest mistake is being afraid to experiment.

Another mistake

I said.

Would be to put ingredients away too soon. Instead of keeping them out. 

You have to keep them out.

he said.

You’re gonna need them later on in the process.

Thank you.

I said.

I have learned a lot.

Yep.

he said. 

There’s your first Jeremy Long Classic Smoothie.  

___

*he has not literally done so 

A LETTER TO ALMOST-BIG PEOPLE.

Dear Almost Big Person, and Friends,

it takes a long time,
but finally you get there
and you realise
how cool it is to be big,

and then the nostalgia's
gonna kick in, kid.
ya still got a few moments of child-living left.
you're not all the way big yet.

but just about.

and when you're there,
all the way big,
you can eat popsicles whenever you want,
with your main peeps on each side twenty-four-seven;
that's how cool it is to be big,

today, ya just get one treat though,
cause you're not big enough for two.
enjoy that first one, don't ever forget it,
it'll be the best spinach-and-veggie popsicle your mama'll ever find ya.

and you don't have to do anything you don't wanna,
that's what it'll be like when you're all the way big.
but try to enjoy the journey for a tiny longer.
it ain't too good being little,

but it ain't all bad either.

there's a downside to getting big, maybe two:
ya gotta shower once a month or so,
or other big people get sore.

enjoy the bigness, and don't hurry it up.

sincerely,

A Really Cool Big Person.

SUPPER IN STYLE.

It’s difficult - if not impossible - to imagine a more intimate family holiday dining experience than this quaint little Swedish spot we discovered recently ten years ago. _____ #IKEA #lentilsoup #pdx #shhhh #44portland longx5 #scandinavian

A post shared by Joseph Long (@josephivanlong) on Dec 10, 2017 at 9:30pm PST

FILE UNDER: WASH HANDS, SNEEZE INTO ELBOW, SAY THANK YOU.

There are two types of people: those who make food, and those who wait for other people to make it.

Also, there are those who snitch food while it's being made. If you're going to do the third, then you better be doing the first. If you've been in the second category historically, what better time than now to start the first? Throw on an apron and at least sous-chef your way through chopping up some walnuts for that pumpkin surprise. It's amazing how much fun it can be with a full kitchen of apron-clad bakers and cooks of all ages making merry. And making food. And making a mess. Also, word is that Thanksgiving Day, 12 noon is the kickoff for legal holiday music. Mazel tov, and remember to pick up a knife and help out. Or spatula. Never too young to help out.

Hey Becca,

Hey.

Your children are liars. You cannot trust anything they say, especially if they tell you we have been listening to Christmas music. It may be a fact, but it is not necessarily the truth. Technically it falls into what some might call the truth, but it is not an accurate picture.

This is it: the children, as you know, love Sia, and apparently she has a new album out today, which I briefly sampled to see if it would be a good fit for our family during the narrow band of Christmas we strictly, mostly-appropriately, and fully-legally celebrate from November 24-December 25. I did not enjoy it, because it is not time to enjoy that music yet, but I think that we may enjoy it, especially tracks 2,5,6,7, and 9 when it’s legal to listen to it. Again, I am sorry that you have raised liars and spies.

Trust nobody. Merry Friday, Dear.

Bye.

UNRELEASED PRODUCTION STILL FROM UNTITLED TOY STORY 4 FILM.

FILE UNDER: WASH HANDS, SNEEZE INTO ELBOW, SAY THANK YOU.
There are two types of people: those who make food, and those who wait for other people to make it.

Also, there are those who snitch food while it's being made. If you're going to do the third, then you better be doing the first. If you've been in the second category historically, what better time than now to start the first? Throw on an apron and at least sous-chef your way through chopping up some walnuts for that pumpkin surprise.

It's amazing how much fun it can be with a full kitchen of apron-clad bakers and cooks of all ages making merry. And making food. And making a mess. Also, word is that Thanksgiving Day, 12 noon is the kickoff for legal holiday music. Mazel tov, and remember to pick up a knife and help out. Or spatula.

Never too young to help out.

OVERHEARD. chocolate, protein, and serving sizes.

Should I have some chocolate?
he asked his dad.
It has four grams of protein per serving and I think I could use some extra calories right now.

- anonymous 7-year old-ish male

Who knows what the dad said. Ideally he did the right thing and made the healthy choice.

Hey Becca,

Hypothetically, is cold spaghetti and peanut M&Ms a good afternoon snack choice?

Hey Becca, one more thing,

I forgot to tell you that I forgot to make and take a lunch today. But I did find a full bag of the leftover brownies our daughter made recently. They were somehow - miraculously! - in our automobile waiting to help someone in need. They had walnuts and peanut butter in them. Probably organic. Protein, Omega-3 or 4 or higher, the good stuff with antioxidants and stuff. Nuts are so good for you! I ate the whole bag just to be on the safe side. And there was a partial bag of chips - miraculously! - in the front seat as well. Good news: they were CORN chips. So, pretty much nuts and vegetables for lunch. I feel invigorated. Definitely having dessert tonight. Talk soon.

J.

Hey Becca,

In retrospect, I could probably have found a healthier mid-afternoon snack than a crammed fistful of two week-old crunched up sour cream & onion potato chips mixed in with salty peanuts and chocolate chips, but on review of my retrospect, I think I made a good decision. And dark chocolate is good for your heart, right? Don't be mad, I have been working too hard for our family to withstand your fury if I made an incorrect decision. If I could do it over again, I would definitely not consider making the opposite of what you would have not hoped I would do, or the other. Anyway, I will save some for you to try; I will try to anyway. The chocolate chips are gone though, as of five minutes from now. Sorry.

Trying to do the right thing,

J.

P.S. it wasn't dark chocolate

FRIENDS (IWATA AND CREW).

I'd give myself a C- for selfie-skills on this (yeah, that's me, with a smidgen of my right eye in frame). But more importantly, I would give our afternoon with these coolio peeps a solid A. Sorry, I don't do A+s unless there's water slides or ice cream buffets involved. But solid A. Wonderful, delightful chill time outside with loud children, savory snacks, hot beverages, nifty convo, hard playing, and loud children - yes, they were all uber joyful and the volumes of their combined voices carried to the 38th parallel. Fun times making memories with good buds. ____ #pnw #44pacificnwplaces #childrening #stokedcoffee

A post shared by Joseph Long (@josephivanlong) on Apr 29, 2017 at 10:45pm PDT

BABY BJORNS, GORILLAPODS, SPONSORSHIPS?

Some athletes get sponsored by Burton or Nike. I don't know that deals with those brands are in my future, but I wouldn't be be surprised at all if @babybjorn and @gorillapod.official come tapping on my door. With my trusty BabyBjorn and a Gorillapod or two, I'll take a gaggle of tiny humans pretty much anywhere. Ball's in your court, guys, pretty much guarantee nobody runs your products any harder than I do. :) And a shout to @traderjoes Vancouver. They are so awesome. So awesome. ____ #evel0 #babybjorn #gear #childrening #traderjoes

A post shared by Joseph Long (@josephivanlong) on Apr 28, 2017 at 11:22pm PDT

BABY JAMES DEAN AND A BOTTLE.

Hangin with baby James Dean. I would recommend listening to either Charlie Parker or Billy Idol on this beautiful Sunday morning. Perhaps both if you're adventurous. Mazel tov. ____ #brothers #evel0 #mtnorway #bohemianstyle

A post shared by Joseph Long (@josephivanlong) on Apr 23, 2017 at 9:08am PDT

WILLIAM JOEL. 

At this point, I should no longer feel let down by our children's apathy at my many wondrous accomplishments, but I truly thought that my note-for-note, word-for-word rendition of Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire would blow their minds and put me on the cool map.

The short answer is: no.

#crushed #again

PEANUT BUTTER AND THE SIMPLE AND ABSOLUTE TRUTH.

At least we can all agree that peanut butter should NEVER go in the refrigerator.

FILE UNDER : FAMILY ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

#accomplishments

Four people. 16 days. 70 ounces Adams peanut butter.

Hey Becca,

I did the maths, and there are five cookies remaining. There are four of us who currently eat cookies in this household. I think I have devised a plan that will make things simple for all of us tomorrow, and it involves there being four cookies left when you wake up in the morning. I pray I have eased your stresses, and if I have done so, you are welcome, and we will all have one cookie apiece to enjoy tomorrow.

Also, I will try* to save you one of the bigger ones.

- Joseph

*no promises though

I'M SURE THEY'RE ACCIDENTALLY HIDDEN.

There is nothing - nothing - more frustrating than trying to enjoy a few* cookies after your wife has fallen asleep, and not being able to find them anywhere. Anywhere.

*dozen

HEY BECCA, I TOOK THE INITIATIVE WITH THE REFRIGERATOR ISSUE!

Hi Bec,

We were running out of room in the refrigerator, so I ate the last piece of cheesecake because it was taking up an enormous amount of space. I think you'll be really pleased.

- J