It is morning, an early dawn, a week ahead.
Time to get up,
we gently shake the sleeping creatures.
We leave in sixty.
Two grunts, a groan, some other sounds.
A roll over, blanket pulled high.
Time to get up,
we firmly nudge the slumbering beasts.
We leave in fifty.
A grunt, two groans, some smelly sounds.
The blanket wrapped like mummy arounds.
Time to get up,
we kick the creature beasts, avoiding head.
We leave in forty.
A moan, a sigh, a cry so deep.
A stretch, a vicious stare:
You awake me? Oh, how do you dare?
Stumble through toast and water,
Fall into socks and maybe clean undies too.
We leave five minutes ago, we yell!
Murderous glance we give, with love of course, these kids we’d never sell.
So out the door we races
A weekday conquered, see our victorious faces.
If lucky, we have most children
And some food to eat.
A diaper or two, and of course seventy-two books and some sketch pads.
It is morning, an early dawn.
We roll over sleepily and look at one another with love.
Time to not get up,
we grin.
It’s the weekend, we need not be up til who knows when.
Our eyes close with delight
and savor the delicious slumber of light sleep-in sleep.
All is content,
Where did the stress and worry went?
A time to slow down and relaxes
Not deal with stuff like schedules, finances, and taxes.
TIME TO GET UP!
The beasts viciously assault our sleeping bodies.
WHAT ARE WE DOING TODAY?!
Showing posts with label sleeping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sleeping. Show all posts
5.02.2018
4.24.2018
POEM : THE WIPERS ARE BROKEN.
Free yourself from intimidation,
The wise said with elucidation
‘Imagine that important person naked,
who has eaten a pastry that was baked.’
It is a leveler, a democratizer, an image of equality
That works magnificently, yet it seems to me,
to go one step more
And bring us to a similar level of floor,
We might also remember
That all, born in January through December,
Once wore diapers
And needed assistance from wipers
Or else they went naked and bare butted
Their dignity intact and ungutted.
But as the philosophy book reads
That begs and asks and pleads
To remember that everyone poops
Digesting what was ingested, from breads to broccolis to soups
For every leader on high
Still lowers their fanny with sigh
And a grunt and a cough and a push and a toot
Whether delicate angel or big hairy brute.
They do what they must,
With no grumble or fusst.
A normal part of being
Like walking or breathing or seeing.
So if someone seems important and mean
Imagine them eating a bowlful of bean
And sitting later on their important throne
With a gasp, a sigh, and a moan
That is horrible to imagine, but sometimes you must
To remember that all are equal, and all turn to dust
We all once had diapers or something thereof
We were all once wiped and taken careof.
So be nice and stand proud,
Don’t be intimidated by those who are loud,
And remember that those who act like a grump
Still are human and make silly noises from their rump.
The wise said with elucidation
‘Imagine that important person naked,
who has eaten a pastry that was baked.’
It is a leveler, a democratizer, an image of equality
That works magnificently, yet it seems to me,
to go one step more
And bring us to a similar level of floor,
We might also remember
That all, born in January through December,
Once wore diapers
And needed assistance from wipers
Or else they went naked and bare butted
Their dignity intact and ungutted.
But as the philosophy book reads
That begs and asks and pleads
To remember that everyone poops
Digesting what was ingested, from breads to broccolis to soups
For every leader on high
Still lowers their fanny with sigh
And a grunt and a cough and a push and a toot
Whether delicate angel or big hairy brute.
They do what they must,
With no grumble or fusst.
A normal part of being
Like walking or breathing or seeing.
So if someone seems important and mean
Imagine them eating a bowlful of bean
And sitting later on their important throne
With a gasp, a sigh, and a moan
That is horrible to imagine, but sometimes you must
To remember that all are equal, and all turn to dust
We all once had diapers or something thereof
We were all once wiped and taken careof.
So be nice and stand proud,
Don’t be intimidated by those who are loud,
And remember that those who act like a grump
Still are human and make silly noises from their rump.
10.24.2017
WHAT IS LOVE.
Advice: listen to a great deal of Vivaldi these October mornings; wrap up the day with servings of Leonard Cohen and Sharon Van Etten, and don't be shy on the volume, even with slumbering creatures lurking. yum.
5.12.2017
HOW TO GET OUT OF CHORES.
For some reason I like Vivaldi way more than Beethoven. I don't get why Beethoven songs are so famous."
- anonymous six-year old
3.27.2017
BEDTIME...NOW WHAT?
At long last...kids in bed, so we finally have some time to ourselves. Time to ourselves to snuggle up on the couch and watch videos on our phones of the now slumbering children and wonder why they went to sleep so early and question whether we should wake them up to do something fun, and hope they nodded off on a pleasant note with us...
Or...we could just watch Patriot.
#flipacoin #childrening #welaughatustoo
Or...we could just watch Patriot.
#flipacoin #childrening #welaughatustoo
3.26.2017
BETWEEN 99 AND 100.
Probability that our 6-year old will start practicing bass guitar three minutes after his infant brother has fallen asleep five feet away: 97.33%
And yes, he has his tip jar out.
And yes, he has his tip jar out.
1.22.2017
I'M SURE THEY'RE ACCIDENTALLY HIDDEN.
There is nothing - nothing - more frustrating than trying to enjoy a few* cookies after your wife has fallen asleep, and not being able to find them anywhere. Anywhere.
*dozen
*dozen
12.04.2015
11.19.2015
PORTRAIT OF A MOM, MONTH 12 (REGARDING MOBILE PHONES).
Everything in culture moves in 20-year cycles, plus or minus a few. There will be a resurgence at some point of flip phones in some guise, and future humans yet to be born now will marvel at their charm.
I held out for a long time on getting a smartphone because I knew once I had one, there was no going back, and I would wonder how I got by without one. And it's true. I am grateful for it. I am writing on one at this moment. One that Steve Jobs handcrafted himself, I think.
But my phone also has ample time to hibernate, nap, and get along without me. I still have my trusty notebook and black gel pen** that I tote along with me everywhere. And use. Some things never go out of style, even as they age and go through various changes. And growth. And of course, all things electrical need recharging, including humans.
Month 12
June 2008
I held out for a long time on getting a smartphone because I knew once I had one, there was no going back, and I would wonder how I got by without one. And it's true. I am grateful for it. I am writing on one at this moment. One that Steve Jobs handcrafted himself, I think.
But my phone also has ample time to hibernate, nap, and get along without me. I still have my trusty notebook and black gel pen** that I tote along with me everywhere. And use. Some things never go out of style, even as they age and go through various changes. And growth. And of course, all things electrical need recharging, including humans.
Month 12
June 2008
4.29.2015
LOST IN TRANSLATION, PT. DEUX.
DADDY!!
I sauntered down the hallway immediately-ish and peeked in.
Good night buddy.
I said.
Again. Everything still good?
You didn't say "shut the door" tonight.
he said, half-sitting up in bed.
What do you mean?
I asked.
You didn't say "shut the door" like you do every night. So can you say it please?
Umm...
I said, and then it dawned.
You mean "je t'adore?" What I say to you every night?
He thought:
Yeah. You didn't say that to me tonight.
Okay...
I said.
Do you remember what "je t'adore" means in French? It means "I love you." That's what I'm saying to you every night.
Long, intense thought-processing. Deep breath.
Well,
he said.
I'm going to pretend you're saying "shut the door." And also, will you please close my door?"
Oui.
I bowed, pulled his door more closed, and sneaked in one more je t'adore as I left. Again.
J'aime les petits moments.
Bonsoir.
I sauntered down the hallway immediately-ish and peeked in.
Good night buddy.
I said.
Again. Everything still good?
You didn't say "shut the door" tonight.
he said, half-sitting up in bed.
What do you mean?
I asked.
You didn't say "shut the door" like you do every night. So can you say it please?
Umm...
I said, and then it dawned.
You mean "je t'adore?" What I say to you every night?
He thought:
Yeah. You didn't say that to me tonight.
Okay...
I said.
Do you remember what "je t'adore" means in French? It means "I love you." That's what I'm saying to you every night.
Long, intense thought-processing. Deep breath.
Well,
he said.
I'm going to pretend you're saying "shut the door." And also, will you please close my door?"
Oui.
I bowed, pulled his door more closed, and sneaked in one more je t'adore as I left. Again.
J'aime les petits moments.
Bonsoir.
4.16.2015
SLUMBER.
ON SLEEP.
How was your slumber?
ON THE CALENDAR.
How was your slumber?
I asked.
It was good.
he said.
Except I opened my eyes a lot, because when I close them sometimes I get scared because the walls look like monsters crawling along them.
____
ON THE CALENDAR.
Daddy!
she came running in.
Bad news!
What?!
I said.
Are you okay?!
Yeah.
she said.
But I just checked the calendar, and Christmas is on Friday this year. So you and Mama will both be working.
Well.
I said.
How about we plan on taking the day off. Sound good?
Yes.
she said.
Okay.
I said.
Done deal.
And it will be.
11.23.2014
GIANTS BE COOL, MAN.
-4.jpg)
We frequently watch films in installments,
to stretch out the cinematic bliss. This weekend:
1993's Cool Runnings. The ebullient underdog sports tale falling into the sub-genre of "Jamaican Bobsled Teams Trying to Get Into the Olympics." Also, John Candy's last appearance. Loved that guy. On a jet, on a train, in a car, I will always enjoy his arena-size affability and humor.
One of my money moves as a remote control autocrat is to hit pause right at the height of a scene, such as right before we learn something super important, like if they're going to make the finals or not. My family loathes it, so it's also a good reminder that sometimes it's necessary to be the villain. Darth Vader is so much more interesting than Luke.
We'll watch ONE more scene!
I thundered.
Get it? Got it? Good! After that, it is BEDTIME. STRAIGHT TO BED. Clear? We clear?
Yes General Daddy Sir.
they said, straightfaced little angels in disguise.
The scene finished.
Fie, off to bed!
I shrieked.
But Daddy!
one said.
We didn't have a dance party like you said we would earlier this morning!
I shook my head. But, as Horton said, say what you mean and mean what you say, which is what I had said, and I try to obey my favourite Doctor. So I reluctantly headed over to put on They Might Be Giants' ode to slumber entitled "Bed Bed Bed," which is unbelievably catchy and is the sonic equivalent of a quadruple shot espresso before bed.
"The day is done
The sun is down
The curtains have been drawn
And darkness has descended over everything in town
The covers have been turned and I've got my pajamas on
I've had my fun
I've stretched and yawned and all is said and done
I'm going to bed
Bed bed bed bed bed"
A lovely song, particularly if you can imagine cows playing trumpets while loudly eating milkshakes with little bells on their hooves.
The song finished, sweat dripped; I ordered them to follow the lyrics and obey the song.
But Daddy!
one said.
Can we just listen to Bob Dylan?
No.
I said.
Go to bed.
Okay.
they said.
And tromped off, finally.
Daddy!
one said.
Can you turn the lamp on?
Okay.
I said.
Daddy!
from far off.
Can I have some water?
Sure.
I said.
And got it.
Daddy!
one yelled.
I have to go to the bathroom, can you meet me there?
Fine.
I said.
And waited until I realised he was pretending to sleep.
No!
I said.
You are not sleeping on the toilet tonight.
And headed to the living room to sit on the couch and relax for the first time in fourteen months.
Daddy!
I heard far off as my sitting down was paralyzed, then reversed.
Can I read one book?
No.
I said.
Go to bed.
Daddy?
I heard.
Can I read a stack of books in the morning?
Probably.
I yelled at the top of my lungs.
Daddy?
The faux-angelic voice floated down the hallway.
Can I draw for a little bit?
Maybe I'll put on some Deftones for goodnight lullabyes.
Good night, universe. Hope your weekend has been splendid.
10.12.2014
GABRAHAM LINCOLN.
Daddy.
he said.
When it gets really dark tonight, can I come sleep with you guys?
Yep.
I said.
Actually.
he said.
Should I go lay in your bed now so I don't have to get out of my bed and walk over during the night?
It's okay, buddy.
I said.
I can come get you when you wake up during the night.
Well...
he said.
Can I please just go lay in your bed now because I want to?
Well.
I said.
If you pass a quiz.
Okay.
he said.
What is the question?
The first question,
I said.
Is this: what is the country of Mesopotamia called now?
Iraq.
he said.
Good.
I said.
Question two: what is another word for "humans?"
Homo sapiens.
he said.
Correct.
I said.
Number three: what is one thing the Sumerians invented?
Umm...
he said.
Horses for farming?
Well...
I said.
Close enough. Four: what is the name of the guy who came up with the Three Laws of Motion?
Umm...
he thought hard.
Is it the same as the man who invented the light bulb?
Nope.
I said. It's not Thomas Edison. His name starts with an "I."
Oh.
he said.
Isaac Newton?
Yep.
I said.
And what is the first Law of Motion?
Is it...
he asked.
When an apple is on a tree and something else makes it start moving and it drops on someone's head?
Sort of.
I said.
We'll count it. Last question: who was the first President of the United States?
(This was the softball lob)
Umm...
he thought hard.
Abraham Lincoln.
Nope.
I said.
One more chance. You know who it is. His name starts with a "G."
Ohhh...
he said, grin spreading big.
Gabraham Lincoln!
Hahaha!
I laughed uproariously.
That's hilarious! But seriously: no. Sorry.
Do I pass the quiz?
he asked.
Not really.
I said.
I carried him to our bed and dumped him on it, burying him under two mountains of covers and left his grinning little messy face peering up. I don't know if it's the right thing to do. Technically, he failed. But you know...even Gabraham Lincoln had some early missteps. And he turned out decent. So I'm holding out hope. Holding out for a hero. At least until the end of the night.
And he's gotta be strong and fast and larger than life.
Happy week ahead, universe. Or should I say...guniverse?
he said.
When it gets really dark tonight, can I come sleep with you guys?
Yep.
I said.
Actually.
he said.
Should I go lay in your bed now so I don't have to get out of my bed and walk over during the night?
It's okay, buddy.
I said.
I can come get you when you wake up during the night.
Well...
he said.
Can I please just go lay in your bed now because I want to?
Well.
I said.
If you pass a quiz.
Okay.
he said.
What is the question?
The first question,
I said.
Is this: what is the country of Mesopotamia called now?
Iraq.
he said.
Good.
I said.
Question two: what is another word for "humans?"
Homo sapiens.
he said.
Correct.
I said.
Number three: what is one thing the Sumerians invented?
Umm...
he said.
Horses for farming?
Well...
I said.
Close enough. Four: what is the name of the guy who came up with the Three Laws of Motion?
Umm...
he thought hard.
Is it the same as the man who invented the light bulb?
Nope.
I said. It's not Thomas Edison. His name starts with an "I."
Oh.
he said.
Isaac Newton?
Yep.
I said.
And what is the first Law of Motion?
Is it...
he asked.
When an apple is on a tree and something else makes it start moving and it drops on someone's head?
Sort of.
I said.
We'll count it. Last question: who was the first President of the United States?
(This was the softball lob)
Umm...
he thought hard.
Abraham Lincoln.
Nope.
I said.
One more chance. You know who it is. His name starts with a "G."
Ohhh...
he said, grin spreading big.
Gabraham Lincoln!
Hahaha!
I laughed uproariously.
That's hilarious! But seriously: no. Sorry.
Do I pass the quiz?
he asked.
Not really.
I said.
I carried him to our bed and dumped him on it, burying him under two mountains of covers and left his grinning little messy face peering up. I don't know if it's the right thing to do. Technically, he failed. But you know...even Gabraham Lincoln had some early missteps. And he turned out decent. So I'm holding out hope. Holding out for a hero. At least until the end of the night.
And he's gotta be strong and fast and larger than life.
Happy week ahead, universe. Or should I say...guniverse?
10.08.2014
THE HOUSE ALWAYS USUALLY WINS SOMETIMES.
I'll make you a deal.
I said.
If you go to bed in the next two minutes, then I'll let you go to sleep immediately after that.
Huh?!
They shrieked.
What kind of a deal is that?! What will we get in the morning?
I'll tell you what.
I said.
If you get a really good night's rest, then in the morning, I'll let you wake up.
What?!
They shook their heads, and they won't be the first people in the world to not understand my ways, but let me tell you, there is something to my ways, and just like (exactly like) da Vinci and his flying machines, it may be centuries until my methods are truly appreciated. Or rather, my inventions for outsmarting children. They are sleeping. Or faking it incredibly well, which I guess I would have to be strangely proud of also if that was the case.
Gute nacht.
I said.
If you go to bed in the next two minutes, then I'll let you go to sleep immediately after that.
Huh?!
They shrieked.
What kind of a deal is that?! What will we get in the morning?
I'll tell you what.
I said.
If you get a really good night's rest, then in the morning, I'll let you wake up.
What?!
They shook their heads, and they won't be the first people in the world to not understand my ways, but let me tell you, there is something to my ways, and just like (exactly like) da Vinci and his flying machines, it may be centuries until my methods are truly appreciated. Or rather, my inventions for outsmarting children. They are sleeping. Or faking it incredibly well, which I guess I would have to be strangely proud of also if that was the case.
Gute nacht.
8.24.2014
CHORES AND THIRD TIME'S A CHARM.
I don't really feel like doing chores.
he said.
Can I lay down on the couch...just for a little bit?
Okay.
I said.
Just for a little bit. The chores are waiting.
____
RITUAL, OR, LOU GEHRIG (ICE, ICE, BUDDY).
Buddy,
I said.
In response to your question: no. We are not doing the ice bucket challenge right before bed.
Okay Daddy,
he said.
Can I please have a cup of water?
Sure.
I said, not connecting the dots.
And brought him his cup.
With water.
I waited, absentmindedly, for him to drink it, and realised nanoseconds too late that his intent was never to drink it. With a deft turn of the wrist and sharp intake of breath, he turned the cup upside down and immolated himself. With water. Sans ice.
Yes, pre-emptive ha-ha. He now has a waterbed.
Incidentally, it appears that my turn may be coming - does anyone, perchance, have a horse and chariot I could borrow for a short video tomorrow evening? Preferably, a stallion that's very wild and untamed, but that's okay with pulling a chariot and doing whatever I ask him to?*
Thanks. It will be for a good cause. Sleep dry tonight, all.
*within reason**
**what a normal person*** might consider "reasonable"
***me
8.07.2014
KILL BILL, FENRIS JESSE JAMES.
Okay!
I barked with my peerless gentle tyranny.
Time for bed!
But Daddy,
he said.
We're strangers. We're not your kids. Your kids got eaten by coyotes. So we can't go to bed.
Well.
I said meanly.
You look an awful lot like our kids, so you're going to bed anyway.
Uhhh!...
he groan-growled.
Fine! But can I have a bandana to tie around my face so I can look like a ninja?
Okay.
I sighed.
I guess it wouldn't hurt, with the coyotes out and all.
I barked with my peerless gentle tyranny.
Time for bed!
But Daddy,
he said.
We're strangers. We're not your kids. Your kids got eaten by coyotes. So we can't go to bed.
Well.
I said meanly.
You look an awful lot like our kids, so you're going to bed anyway.
Uhhh!...
he groan-growled.
Fine! But can I have a bandana to tie around my face so I can look like a ninja?
Okay.
I sighed.
I guess it wouldn't hurt, with the coyotes out and all.
8.04.2014
LINK: the intelligence of night owls, etcetera.
Post by Joseph Long.
____
I realised this afternoon that I have now officially been a Weird Al fan for a quarter century.
5.31.2014
FIVE TIMES I HAVE SAID 'NO' IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, PLUS A CULKIN.
1. No, your rocking horse can't take you to Russia. It's not a real horse.
2. No, I don't feel like painting you a picture of a shark that's eating my head.
(More on that later, and the vengeance they wreaked after I spurned their request.)
3. No, you can't sleep up in your sister's bunk bed tonight.
("But he can sleep between me and the wall so he doesn't fall off!")
Umm....good idea. But...no.
Saddest sight ever as one of them slowly trudged up the ladder and the other forlornly dragged his feet and lonely blanket to his lowly and undangerous bed. Lest you feel to sorrowful, don't worry: they met up in our room around 3am.
4. No, just because you're cold doesn't mean I'm going to let you eat breakfast in the bath.
5. No, I know it's a cool movie poster, but you are not watching Jaws. We need to get you into swim lessons first.
____
I am so mean.
HONORARY CULKIN.
My daughter's vehement explanation for why her little brother should be allowed to sleep on the bunk bed with her:
"But Daddy, Uncle Jeremy said it was okay! Please!!!"
For a little bit,
I said, knowing in my heart that I'm still totally in charge and it was not a win for the bullying gang composed of our children and my youngest brother.
He also suggested, while on speakerphone, that there was "...plenty of time to play one-to-four rounds of memory game before bedtime." I hung up on him before he got around to discussing ice cream.
They think he is just King Cool, but the fact is, he's not. He's simply a musician living in L.A. who gives terrible advice to his niece and nephew.
2. No, I don't feel like painting you a picture of a shark that's eating my head.
(More on that later, and the vengeance they wreaked after I spurned their request.)
3. No, you can't sleep up in your sister's bunk bed tonight.
("But he can sleep between me and the wall so he doesn't fall off!")
Umm....good idea. But...no.
Saddest sight ever as one of them slowly trudged up the ladder and the other forlornly dragged his feet and lonely blanket to his lowly and undangerous bed. Lest you feel to sorrowful, don't worry: they met up in our room around 3am.
4. No, just because you're cold doesn't mean I'm going to let you eat breakfast in the bath.
5. No, I know it's a cool movie poster, but you are not watching Jaws. We need to get you into swim lessons first.
____
I am so mean.
HONORARY CULKIN.
My daughter's vehement explanation for why her little brother should be allowed to sleep on the bunk bed with her:
"But Daddy, Uncle Jeremy said it was okay! Please!!!"
For a little bit,
I said, knowing in my heart that I'm still totally in charge and it was not a win for the bullying gang composed of our children and my youngest brother.
He also suggested, while on speakerphone, that there was "...plenty of time to play one-to-four rounds of memory game before bedtime." I hung up on him before he got around to discussing ice cream.
They think he is just King Cool, but the fact is, he's not. He's simply a musician living in L.A. who gives terrible advice to his niece and nephew.
1.28.2014
IT'S NOT FOURTH OF JULY, BUT I STILL LOVE YOU IN THE MORNING.
Maybe you have a child whose first words in the morning are "I love you."
Perhaps you have a child whose first words in the morning are "I'm hungry."
Or even a child who cracks their eyelids and says something adorable, like "I dreamed I was riding on a lion and drinking a chocolate milkshake while we jumped over a waterfall."
But I'd be a little surprised if you had a child who, after usurping bed real real estate for a good portion of the night, opened his eyes in the half dark and announced, with zero context:
"I don't like Leonard Cohen."
I rolled my eyes on the too-early dawn. "You're LEARNING to like him, kid."
"I don't like him,"
he repeated.
His smile in the terrible a.m. blackness mirrored the moon; with inimitable mischief and glee. Independence is so frustrating when it's directed at you. Now I can sympathize with England 200+ years ago.
Perhaps you have a child whose first words in the morning are "I'm hungry."
Or even a child who cracks their eyelids and says something adorable, like "I dreamed I was riding on a lion and drinking a chocolate milkshake while we jumped over a waterfall."
But I'd be a little surprised if you had a child who, after usurping bed real real estate for a good portion of the night, opened his eyes in the half dark and announced, with zero context:
"I don't like Leonard Cohen."
I rolled my eyes on the too-early dawn. "You're LEARNING to like him, kid."
"I don't like him,"
he repeated.
His smile in the terrible a.m. blackness mirrored the moon; with inimitable mischief and glee. Independence is so frustrating when it's directed at you. Now I can sympathize with England 200+ years ago.
1.08.2014
SLEEP THE CLOCK AROUND.
We each have a finite number of days to be alive, which makes it all the more frustrating when my children just want to sleep in. There's playing to be done! Reading! Painting! Climbing! Wake up!
I asked the children to stay up all night, but the deal was they had to keep their eyes open with no blinking the whole time. The boy responded with: "But Daddy, we can sleep if we want to."
And then rebelliously narrowed eyelids and nodded off. Pill.
Actually, this is the first time I've ever shared something really personal on Facebook...but honestly, I'm tired too. Have a good Wodensday, all. Unless you're sleeping, in which case you'll be skipping all the excitement, so too bad for you.
I asked the children to stay up all night, but the deal was they had to keep their eyes open with no blinking the whole time. The boy responded with: "But Daddy, we can sleep if we want to."
And then rebelliously narrowed eyelids and nodded off. Pill.
Actually, this is the first time I've ever shared something really personal on Facebook...but honestly, I'm tired too. Have a good Wodensday, all. Unless you're sleeping, in which case you'll be skipping all the excitement, so too bad for you.
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