CHORES AND THIRD TIME'S A CHARM.

I don't really feel like doing chores. 
he said.
Can I lay down on the couch...just for a little bit?

Okay.
I said.
Just for a little bit. The chores are waiting.
____

RITUAL, OR, LOU GEHRIG (ICE, ICE, BUDDY).
Buddy,
I said.
In response to your question: no. We are not doing the ice bucket challenge right before bed.

Okay Daddy,
he said.
Can I please have a cup of water?

Sure.
I said, not connecting the dots.
And brought him his cup.
With water.

I waited, absentmindedly, for him to drink it, and realised nanoseconds too late that his intent was never to drink it. With a deft turn of the wrist and sharp intake of breath, he turned the cup upside down and immolated himself. With water. Sans ice.

Yes, pre-emptive ha-ha. He now has a waterbed.

Incidentally, it appears that my turn may be coming - does anyone, perchance, have a horse and chariot I could borrow for a short video tomorrow evening? Preferably, a stallion that's very wild and untamed, but that's okay with pulling a chariot and doing whatever I ask him to?*

Thanks. It will be for a good cause. Sleep dry tonight, all.

*within reason**
**what a normal person*** might consider "reasonable"
***me

JUST ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD.

- Daddy?
she said, coming over from the terminal.
- Can I borrow your library card?

- Why?
I asked.
- Didn't you just check out your books?

- Umm...
She said.
- It won't let me check out anymore because It says I have too many checked out already, and I just have a few more...

- How many do you have checked out right now?
I asked reasonably.

- Fifty.

- Okay.
I said.
- Here's my card. 
____

There are things we will always make sure our children have plenty of. The top of the list would be books, art supplies, music, and love. After that, I guess that food and a warm place to sleep would be on there.

Public libraries. So, so wonderful and necessary.

DECONSTRUCTING UNCONSTRUCTION.

It's kind of amazing, all the things I can do with simply a reciprocating saw, chop saw, hammer, two crowbars, axe, three screwdrivers, tape measure, impact driver, cordless drill, Deftones, and level. I haven't actually started constructing; still in destruction mode, but it's such a great reminder of what you can do with just a few simple tools. Now where did I set that jackhammer? Oh, and yes, I am wearing safety glasses, Mom.

AGREE TO DISAGREE.

Daddy,

my son asked.

Do you like to have worms in the house?

- No.

I said.

Not really.

Oh.

He said.

I do. Because they're so cute.


PORTRAIT OF AMERICAN LIVING ROOM.

A CAPE, A DOLL, A SCIMITAR, ONE EXPLOSIVE LEAP INTO OBLIVION.

In our home, people are welcome to use the couches for sitting, as long as they're not being used by little people for jumping. That takes priority.

MAY YOUR DAY BE JOLLY.

photo: joseph ivan long ©2013 (December 10) thanks Gorillapod.

Happy Christmas, universe!

COUNTESS AND SON.

I don't care for the phrase 'a picture is worth a thousand words,' because it infers that a visual image is more valuable than language, and maybe it is occasionally, but I love books and Kurt Vonnegut way too much to support that notion in totality; however, if I was to put a price tag on this photograph I'd estimate its worth at right around a billion dollars. So yes, it is for sale. Cash.

I suppose there's a place in my heart for both. Also, a place in my heart for the two travelers in this image.

TRIO OF UNCLES WITH DUO OF ELVES.

In case you weren't aware, Anthropologie always has complementary cookies and punch around holiday season. Just in case you didn't know. Now you do.

And they are very nice to children, and uncles. Thanks.

MOTHER'S DAY.

MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 1For a special beginning to Mother's Day, I let Becca get up really early and play cards with our daughter. I just let them have some time to themselves, and stayed out of the way, in bed. They'll always have that memory.

You're welcome, Dear. More to come.


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 2How cool is your Mother-in-Law?

Well, did she go see Tarantino's Kill Bill with you opening weekend?

Yep. Beat that.


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 3
For a special treat today, I am playing some Christmas music for my wife.

Frosty the Snowman is such an underrated Mother's Day song.


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 4I do not remember my birth very well. Apparently my mom was there.

She was not on Facebook, so I guess she must have been busy. Thanks Mama. I would be a very different person if you had never existed. I am glad you exist.


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 5One of Becca's greatest inventions as a mom has been "Magga Coffee."

It is made like this:

1. Warm up a mug of almond* milk.
2. Stir in a teaspoon of molasses.
3. Name it after one of your children.
4. Voila. Now your kids can drink "coffee" with you.

Brilliant. One of many brilliant moments. You are a brilliant eccentric, Countess Becca.

MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 6Once, when my little brother* was a kid, he woke up during the night and had to go to the bathroom. Somehow in his groggy slumber, he peed in the hamper.

What did my mom do in the morning?

She laughed, and said thank goodness it's just pee.

Probably some sort of moral lesson in there. I have no idea what.

*me


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 7I remember watching a woman scream and berate her child publicly in the parking lot, and now I want so much to find her on Facebook and say:

"I'm glad you're not my mom."

I might have a license plate number jotted down somewhere. But my mom raised me to not be mean, so I will stop looking for her.

Thanks for not being mean, Mom.


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 8One of the most concrete bits of relationship advice I have is this: find someone with a Mother-in-Law who finds Walter the Farting Dog books funny, and who is not afraid to laugh out loud, very loud.

That's what I did, and trust me, your life will be good if you follow this one piece of advice. If your prospective M-i-L doesn't like the Walter series, or finds it beneath her, that is cause for suspicion, and possibly a dealbreaker.


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 9A decade or so ago, we went on our first official date: a 36-hour Greyhound bus trip. The trip got better and better, and she kissed me, and I knew I would marry her.

And I knew she would keep getting better and better, and we would have Littles, and we did and she has and she is more delicious and fun than ever, and I fully expect the trend to continue.

Thanks, Dear. You are rad, and I like listening to loud music with you. And the children that are ours; their names escape me at the moment.


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 10One time, my Mom watched G.I. Joe with me. The old television program. It is a memory. Also, it is the only time I ever watched G.I. Joe. So I always associate my Mom with G.I. Joe. I imagine it might be a little like watching a Michael Bay movie with Martin Scorcese sitting next to you: it would be hard to fully enjoy it. So I guess if my mom had not taken those 23 minutes to sit down with me and watch G.I. Joe, I would have watched it by myself, and completely fallen in love with the program if I hadn't had the dampening proximity of my Mom's "we love people, we don't shoot them" message next to me. If I had continued to watch G.I. Joe, I most certainly would have been influenced by the show to go into a Special Forces unit, and there is almost undoubtedly the high possibility that I would currently be embedded in a Black Ops unit deep inside Eastern Europe.

And instead of a family, I would have an AR-15 and a bunch of face paint.

So thanks Mom, for watching G.I. Joe with me. Those little things matter. I guess the moral is, parents: watch television with your children.


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 11 (last one)Stevie Wonder's "I Believe (When I Fall in Love It Will Be Forever)" is from his 1972 album Talking Book, but surprisingly I didn't hear it until 2001, when Becca, in between card games, told me that I HAD to see this one film:

High Fidelity.

About an existentialist music geek and his narcissistic relationship woes. We watched it, and I fell in love with it too even though it dissed on Belle & Sebastian, and she got me the soundtrack, and every single song was exceptional.

Including Stevie's "I Believe." One of the great love songs.

I am so glad to be with someone who gets excited about new experiences, who delights in people, who has dragged the best characteristics of me into the sunlight, and who creates beautiful, spirited children who will always be a step behind their Mom in the mischief department.

Thank you for being you, and for liking me to be me, Countess. Happy Mum's Day. We should go to the Walla Walla Balloon Stampede next year. Also, we have never seen Stevie Wonder in concert. Maybe he will do a tour with Glen Hansard. Shall we watch Grimm now? Or Downton Abbey? Or, we could make some chocolate caramel truffles now. We have never done that, but I hope we do before forever ends. I am hungry.

Stevie Wonder

I Believe (When I Fall in Love It Will Be Forever)

Talking Book

1972

Mother's Day Weeknd, pt. I

Two of my faves, forever.

People talk about the "...the special bond between mothers and daughters."
I'm a dad, which both contrasts and complements being a mom. 
I'm not a mom. 
But I like moms.

I'm an observer, and a truth-teller, and sometimes I make up stories. 
But first and foremost, a listener and observer.
A special bond between a mother and a daughter?
I can only observe and try to capture a feeling; as opposed to ever experientially feeling what defines that special relationship.

I like moms,
and I like this one. 
She is a super good one, my sister-in-law, buddy, sizzling human; 
super good mom not because of perfection. 

Because of effort,
and because of the love and affection I see poured into interactions with her kids.
Being a mom is about both accepting and fighting frustration and impatience; irritation and anger; 
battling through those things daily and still bringing love, affection, hope. 

And a bright ray to wherever you're at. 

This,
this will be something that will last.
This mom, this daughter.
Something special gonna be there,
forever. 

___

Cousins on Display.

I came across a pack of children, that coincidentally, happened to be gathered in a grouping that was in front of my camera lens, and strangely enough, some of them were looking in my direction.

Those serendipitous and candid moments...

Happy Mom's Day. Here is proof.

A Visual Depiction of the Unattainable Pursuit of Perfection, and How You Can Graze It but Never Hang Onto It.

In Search of Sunshine & Bugs.

My Precious

I love you,

I said softly as he snuggled his two-year old head against my chest and closed his eyes,

my precious boy.

I felt his eyelids drift up for a second and his lips move quietly.

You...are...my...precious daddy,

he whispered.

__

That is how to end a day.

We Heart Jack

Starting to navigate around the old iMac, though her understanding of Javascript and Ajax are BASIC (to say the least). But she's learning. The important thing is that she not treat it casually, as just a "fun thing."

Of course the other important thing is that she remains disciplined about learning these life skills; that she not get overly comfortable just playing. She's over three years old! If she doesn't learn Chinese now, or small engine repair, or the constellations in Latin, or how to count to a billion, then how will she ever be happy? I mean successful?

An appointment with the pediatrician this afternoon. All did not go smoothly. There were needles, and intense levels of non-melodic voices in disharmony. Afterwards, I hustled Magdelana outside while Johanni finished up with Becca and the Doc.

Mags, what would help you feel better? I asked. 

Sob-shrieks.

Shall we take a walk? Do you want a cookie? Can I hold you?

Hiccup sobs.

Is there anything that would help you feel better?

Head lifts off my shoulder, slightly. Brushes damp hair off forehead. Can we listen to music in the car?

Of course, I said. Is there anything special you would like to listen to?

Chest heaving still, but heartbeat starting to slow, muffled tears receding, quivering voice. Do we have any Jack Johnson?

So we went to the car, and cranked Jack Johnson to 11, and chuckled as people peered in at the weirdos listening to Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer in September.

And when Becca and Johannes got in, we all chuckled even more, and came home and baked chocolate chip cookies.