MR. LEMONY SNICKET (ADVICE #473).

ALWAYS PREFACE TRUTHFUL THINGS WITH 'HONESTLY.'

Honestly, the two best things we can do for our children are to love them mostly unconditionally,* and make them listen to NPR every morning.

____


*within reason

“There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you, and there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.”


―the inimitable Monsieur Lemony Snicket

THE SINGULARITY IS IN YOUR HANDS: WHEN ROBOTS TRANSCEND PHYSICS.

Portrait of boy building Kurzweilian robot with singular focus.

BIRTHDAY #38: ME.

Threw some paint in the wagon. 
A speaker and
some snacks.
Herbie Hancock,
real cool in the autumn breeze on the old roadside;
found a caterpillar, named him Callie.
Happy born day to me.

Christmas song rehearsal on front porch, Run D.M.C.-influenced.

Their new thing is to invite someone to watch them do something - swing, draw, build a castle, etc. - and then try to extort payment:

"Come watch us do this...oh, by the way, you need to pay us a dollar now."

Brilliant. Oh, and go ahead and stick a fiver in my PayPal account if you just glanced at this picture.

BIRTHDAY #38: 1976 "Get Up Offa That Thing."
I learned to love music early on. Probably in the womb, but honestly I don't remember, so don't spend any more dollars on those Baby Bach records. My dad sang and hummed and ate M&Ms while he was driving, so I learned to associate three good things together: music + food + travel. My mom made me learn music stuff and learn about old composers, and take some lessons on the piano. Thank you, (Kathie Huffman!). I have a vivid memory of waiting for one of my sibling's lessons and listening to Judas Priest on my headphones, but that's another story. The person I really credit with my entrance to rock and roll is Brant Reed, who loaned me the soundtracks to Batman and Ghostbusters II on cassette. From there, the floodgates were open, especially with Brant's early assistance getting me mix tapes with the Cars, Tom Petty Poison, and other pre-grunge luminaries. A hop and two skips to Weird Al, Def Leppard, Alannah Myles, and the Beastie Boys from there. Off to the races.
Thanks for the music, world. I started today with Mr. Beethoven's Violin Concerto, Opus 16, and then segued to Mr. James Brown's Get Up Offa That Thing (1976).

Mazel tov, all 

BIRTHDAY #38: 1977 "Lust for Life"
My brother Joshua, five years younger, used to climb tall trees when he was a little boy, and he was much too young to be climbing tall trees, and he would climb these tall trees anyway and frequently fall from four or five hundred feet up, but he learned an incredible lesson from his climbing and falling experiences. Know what that was?
I'm not sure, but definitely ask him. I know he probably learned something valuable, and he also did what he NEEDED to do when he was a young boy, and he followed the call of the wild and the murmur of his heart and the whispering of the tall trees and HE JUST DID IT. The trees were there, and like Hillary and Norgay he climbed them BECAUSE they were there and he NEEDED to do it and thank goodness he survived.
He had a lust for life; for daring life and for loving life, and - oh my goodness...I just realised this fits in perfectly with one of my top songs from 1977: from everybody's fave perpetually-shirtless rocker Iggy Pop and his classic anthem - yep - Lust for Life.
Attack life, people, but gently and respectfully too, kind of like confidently driving the speed limit in the left hand lane for miles at a stretch. Sometimes you gotta just ignore the honking horns and keep cruising. Unless you're the Passenger and you see a tall tree to climb. Then you gotta pull over and climb it.
Peace, universe. Save forests, climb tall trees, and happy birthday to me.
Iggy Pop
Lust for Life

1977

#38: 1978 "Bicycle Race."
I've been working on an invention that is basically a bicycle, but it only has one wheel, so it's more aerodynamic and stuff. Also, I was talking to my daughter a couple days ago and we were bonding over something (bikes?) and I said to her:
You guys are so fun. You and your brother just help make our lives so great. Your mom and I are just the seventh luckiest parents in the world.
I nodded kindly, and gave her a really strong look of affirmation. She processed for a minute, and looked up.
Well...who are the luckiest parents then?
I shrugged:
I don't know. I'm just guessing there's at least seven parents in the world with better children.
She started shaking her head, and then tried to start talking but couldn't finish because she was laughing so hard. Finally, she got through her sentence.
DADDY! That is so MEAN!
I was laughing too. 
I know! 
I said.
I know!
We kept on laughing, and she was laughing, and I was laughing. I just love being around people I can banter with, regardless of age. People who laugh hard. People you can share moments with.
Some songs are like that too: shared moments of humanity that make you start singing along or humming or tapping your foot and you feel the earth's joy start to shoot up all around you. Like Queen's Bicycle Race from 1978, with its crazy tempo changes and exhilarating line. 
I woulda been two.

Queen
Bicycle Race

1978

Happy week ahead, universe.

ON EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION.

WHAT did you say?!
I exclaimed to my son as he whizzed around on his little bicycle; shrieking something I couldn't quite understand.

I'm pretending -
he pulled up in front of me and stopped.
- I'm pretending there's a light tower on the hill.

He rode off at the speed of really slow lightning.
Light tower, light tower, LIGHT TOWER!!
he chanted.

And I was so glad the L wasn't a W and the T really was a T and not a P.

Light tower. Pretty rad.

TIPS FOR THIS MONDAY.

1. Find some Ella Fitzgerald to soundtrack the day with.

2a. If you're madly into the sports, then the football will be broadcast on televisions next weekend (I have on good authority), so if everything else in your life is horrid today, and you love the "gridiron,"* then it will be back soon, and you can look forward to it.

2b. Posture: shoulders back, head up.

3. Commit to not prematurely celebrating holidays.

4. Get some coffee somewhere new. Or hot chocolate, or chai, or warm goat milk, or invent a new one, or ask your barista for their secret fave recommendation.

5a. Two things: A) my birthday is next weekend (disregard #3) and B) Alt-J's delicious new album This Is All Yours comes out today. Put those things together. Thank you.

5b. If you're in a boring meeting, start mentally planning your next Halloween costume. Making a totally rad costume is doable in the fifty cent to three dollar range.
____

*football term for "football field"

Happy Mondays, all

IF ONLY (OUR SON'S WISH LIST).
You know what would be really fun?
he casually queried the room.

What?
I asked.

It would be so fun,
he said.
to have a funny dad like Bill Cosby.

Yep.
I said. 
Wouldn't that be great?


We all nodded, and wondered what it would be like to have a funny father. Yep, that would be so amazing.

I AM BOOK.

First off, thanks to Sharika for the Echo Donut Lounge recommendation! Been there twice now; love the space and the people
Second, my mom came up with the great idea, while we were coffee-ing and donut-ing, to each choose a book on the shelf that best described us. We approached this task with thoughtfulness and careful deliberation.

BIBLE STORIES, RE-INTERPRETED, #1.

My wife and I frequently have the children draw out pictures of various stories while we're reading or telling them. The Biblical book of Genesis has been an especially interesting one, as we have given a great degree of creative license in rendering their own interpretations. Our daughter has drawn some lovely imaginings, and our son has...also drawn some intriguing renditions. His collection of Genesis artwork and accompanying stories is one that I could potentially see being appealing to Billy Graham, Richard Dawkins, and everyone in between. Or at least being a catalyst for some chuckles, which is good exercise for the belly and cerebral cortex. And David James Duncan has pointed out that God not only plays, but laughs, so I would guess that might happen, but I can't be certain. Perhaps I will post some illustrations eventually, but for now his first re-imagining is this:

HOW THE BIBLICAL ACCOUNT GOES.
Sadly, jealous Cain kills his brother Abel, infamously becoming the world's first murderer.

HOW OUR SON'S VERSION GOES.
"Abel starts fighting Cain, and pushes Cain into the river, and then a crocodile bites Cain's head off."

The tiniest bit of poetic license.

Just wait for Noah, Abraham, and Deborah. 

LEMONY & FRIENDS.

“How did you do that?” Mr. Poe asked. “Nice girls shouldn’t know how to do such things.”

“My sister is a nice girl,” Klaus said, “and she knows how to do all sorts of things.”

- Lemony Snicket

MY HEART IS BEING ATTACKED, BUT IT'S LOVE; HOPEFULLY I'LL SURVIVE UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

We walked into the store for something.
Not for costumes or battle axes or hockey masks.
But the Halloween assault was already eeking out a few extra days
and extra dollars and extra shelf space in mid-September.
High on the list of things I would ban as world dictator would be premature holiday celebrating, unless it's singing Christmas songs in July. 

We walked into the store for something;
And he did what every ad agency wants every child to do when they see something they never knew they needed: massive intake of breath with the sudden realisation, viscerally, immediately, absolutely, that they now need something worse than they've ever needed anything in the history of forever. Because it is there. And it wouldn't be there unless they were supposed to have it. It has moved from non-existence to awareness to oxygen-level NEED in the space of three seconds. 

DADDY, LOOK!
he pointed and pleaded and floated in the air as the Frankenstein heads and superhero capes and dangling skeletons and bloody plastic swords reached out their invisible tentacles to pull him in; and pull out his parents' wallets.

Yep.
I said.
Cool costumes.

:hyperventilation
Can we look can we see them did you see the sword can we please just look real quick oh look daddy can I show you something can we look?

After we get school supplies,
I said.
We will look for a few minutes.

Okay.
he said.

A short while later, we ended up there, admiring face paints and synthetic purple hair and $6 fishnet stockings and enough plastic facemasks to give Zdeno Chara nightmares. We found ourselves at an end display filled with plastic tridents. 

LOOK!
he squealed.
Can you pull one out so I can hold it?!

Buddy.
I said.
We're not getting a trident.

Okay.
he said.
But can you take a picture of me holding one?

Buddy,
I said.
That's a great idea. Unfortunately, my phone is dead, so I can't.

That's okay.
he said.
Can you just LOOK at me holding it then? 

Buddy,
I said.
Of course.

So I watched him holding the cheapest-made little trident you've ever seen;  happy little Poseidon testing out weaponry.

Daddy,
he turned to me.
When we get home can I start making my costume? I'm going to build a trident and superhero armor. Or maybe superhero ninja armor.

Buddy,
I said.
Absolutely.

We got home;
zero time waste as he assembled his tools:

scissors
construction paper
needle
thread
blow torch (just kidding)
marker
fabric

and went to work.

It will be an ongoing project.
This is his first piece of armor. 
If you're finding it a challenge to decipher the lettering,
it says (he says):

"Armor"

So that any potential enemies will know what he is wearing. 
A deterrent, which I personally think is rather Sun Tzu-savvy.

Stylish, functional, one-of-a-kind.

What inspired you to build your armor like this?
I asked.

I got the idea,
he said.
From the store.

Well,
I thought.
Perhaps premature holiday displays do have their place.
Cheers for inspiration in hideous places. 

Buddy,
I said.
I'm going to hug you.

And I did.

Then we fought
and he wore his armor.
He survived. 
To survive another day is to succeed at something.

Here's to success.

A Visual Depiction of The Seven-Second Rule.

FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE-ISH.

He suffered a severe injury from a thorn which I was certain would require amputation, but before I could get my Swiss Army knife out she stepped in and applied a dirt-and-blackberry poultice that miraculously led to recovery. So much for all those "laughter's the best medicine" liars. Turns out what really works is Monsanto-free raw berries and organic dry mud.

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL: JXIL & MDL.

A dynamic range of emotions on the first day of school.

The task of the modern educator is not to cut down jungles, but to irrigate deserts.
- C.S. Lewis

And probably, most irrigation doesn't happen behind a desk.
But, when in Rome.

- J.I. Long

TALKING ANIMALS AND A VERY TALKING CHILD.

One of the best invitations I've heard given recently:

"Do you want to come to our house? We have all the Narnia books!"


- our son, deeply immersed in the land of the Pevensies. Also, we have the complete Series of Unfortunate Events.

BICYCLE RACE.

Art School, minus grades and clear delineations of student/teacher roles, where beards are optional and perfection frowned on. Draw on. 

Fashion changes. Style is forever.

ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE: THE YOUTH SHALL HAVE THEIR SAY.

Has anyone heard of the ALS challenge? The youth will not be denied their involvement.
Marc Gupilan, Koen (Brian Vistaunet), and Trevor Wister: do what you will with this...but you were his picks, unaided and unsuggested by us. Thanks mates 

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10202479931584596&set=vb.1383908354&type=2&theater

Another one. From the heart.
You might find yourselves referenced in here, Kayden (Anna Kirkwood), Jeremy Long, Vicki Lund Nutter, and Sue Long.
Cheers and go to alsa.org/donate for more info...and to help be part of a worthy cause that could use not just a million videos, but some much needed money for research to fight ALS. 
Have a good one!

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10202479949905054&set=vb.1383908354&type=2&theater

Here we go.
So many fun videos - a great way to raise awareness about ALS; please remember that what's really needed in helping make headway on this dreadful disease is dollars. Your dollars, my dollars, our dollars, or whatever currency you deal in.
I talk a lot in the video, so I'll stop writing now. alsa.org/donate is the place to go.
I am inviting the following gentlemen to participate, should they wish to:
- Brian Vistaunet
- Jon Ponder
- Dan Nicola
- Dr. Bill Cosby
Thank you. Have a most wonderful week ahead.
- Joseph
(Thank you for issuing the challenges, Dennis Nutter and Leanna Long Serrano)

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10202480302193861&set=vb.1383908354&type=2&theater

CHORES AND THIRD TIME'S A CHARM.

I don't really feel like doing chores. 
he said.
Can I lay down on the couch...just for a little bit?

Okay.
I said.
Just for a little bit. The chores are waiting.
____

RITUAL, OR, LOU GEHRIG (ICE, ICE, BUDDY).
Buddy,
I said.
In response to your question: no. We are not doing the ice bucket challenge right before bed.

Okay Daddy,
he said.
Can I please have a cup of water?

Sure.
I said, not connecting the dots.
And brought him his cup.
With water.

I waited, absentmindedly, for him to drink it, and realised nanoseconds too late that his intent was never to drink it. With a deft turn of the wrist and sharp intake of breath, he turned the cup upside down and immolated himself. With water. Sans ice.

Yes, pre-emptive ha-ha. He now has a waterbed.

Incidentally, it appears that my turn may be coming - does anyone, perchance, have a horse and chariot I could borrow for a short video tomorrow evening? Preferably, a stallion that's very wild and untamed, but that's okay with pulling a chariot and doing whatever I ask him to?*

Thanks. It will be for a good cause. Sleep dry tonight, all.

*within reason**
**what a normal person*** might consider "reasonable"
***me

PORTLAND INK.

WALKERS (HANDLE FIRST, HANDLE FIRST).

FIVE OBSERVATIONS AND QUESTIONS ABOUT (MOSTLY) FOOD FROM OUR SON.

1.
Daddy?
he asked with affected casualness.
I'm hungry. Can I please have some sugar?

2.
Daddy?
he said earnestly.
I want to make you a special recipe. Can you please get me some chocolate popsicles?

3.
Daddy?
he informed me intently.
I was planning to make cupcakes for supper...where is the brown sugar?

4.

You know what?
he asked, talking to whoever might be listening.
I don't really care for cotton candy.
It sticks to my mouth.

5a. 

Can I make coffee?
he asked, getting the grinder out.
I love coffee.

5b. 

Can I open up the microwave?
he inquired, already pulling the handle.
I really want to make something.

5c.

If there was saltwater in the toilet, could a fish live in it?
he asked.

5d.

Could I stand up in the toilet?
he asked, continuing the thought.

5e.
If I fell in the toilet,
he asked, completing the question-triptych.
Would I go down the little hole?

I don't know.
I said.
I guess it would depend on how many cupcakes you had eaten.

THE BEHEADING GAME (STORY: GAWAIN AND THE GREEN KNIGHT).

I promised, on the eve of sleep, that I would tell him the story of Gawain and the Green Knight tomorrow. Okay...technically, I said I would tell him the story of the Black Knight (with either Arthurian Perceval or Welsh Yvain), but I think Gawain is a much more compelling tale. It has an appropriately happy ending and some good life lessons, aside, of course, from that whole idea of entering into wagers that involve letting a mysterious knight attempt to sever your head with his giant sword.

Any good younger-ish Arthurian tale books? I know the stories fairly well, but haven't found a good - a really GOOD - collection of tales yet. So I just...filter them through my own mischievous narratives in a manner that is, ideally, not going to cause too much trauma. And, in the case of Gawain, I will wait until he is a little older to initiate a discussion about the multilayered symbolism throughout, its fascinating dichotomous comparisons of nature and chivalry, and the various interpretations as seen through several different lenses, not least interesting of which would be perspectives dealing with feminism and homosociality.

I think at this point, it has more to do with the fact that there's knights and big swords.

IN A NUTSHELL.

1. A giant (green knight) shows up at King Arthur's court on New Year's Day and challenges everyone to a friendly game: a single knight may strike him...but he will return to do the same to that knight in one year's time at the Green Chapel.

2. Sir Gawain accepts. He neatly beheads him. The Green Knight picks up his head, gets on his horse, and departs.

3. A lot happens in between. A few day's before the next New Year's, Gawain sets off to keep his end of the bargain. Along the way, he hangs out with a really nice couple in their castle and deals with some ethical quandaries.

4. He finally meets up with the Green Knight on New Year's Day and...

5. You really have to just read the story, with all the details. It's a great one. And it's a happy ending, depending on your perspective.

BARGAIN BASEMENT ART.

Daddy?
he asked.
Did you know I'm a famous artist?

Really?
I said.
I hadn't realised your work was that widely accessible yet! Tell me about it.

Yeah.
he said.
You can buy one of my drawings for two thousand dollars.

Really!
I said, genuinely surprised.
I was not aware you had that kind of cash flow going. How much did you say they're going for?

Remember?!
he exclaimed.
I'm a famous artist and you can buy my drawings for two thousand dollars!

he paused.

I will sell YOU one for...two hundred and fifty dollars.

Actually,
I said.
I would like a better markdown than that, considering you're using my pen. Also, you're not paying rent.

Oh.
he said.
I guess you can buy one for...three dollars.

Alright.
I said.
But it's going into your college fund. You may be famous, but you're still going to university...

...maybe.
I added under my breath.
Depending on how many of these you sell at two grand a whack.

ADDITIONAL NOTE:
This is tonight's interpretation of the Biblical tale of
David and Goliath, in which the shepherd boy has his slingshot swapped out for a sword and shield because "...they're better weapons."*
Also, that is a dragon flying above them.

I kinda love this kid.

*he did listen attentively while I read aloud the opening chapter of Malcolm Gladwell's David & Goliath, but I don't think he completely understood the point Mr. Gladwell was making about David actually having the superior weaponry.