Guest Blog: Random Musings On Things I Didn't Expect When Magdelana Made Me An Uncle by Uncle Jeremy Long

1. I didn't expect her speech to be as minimal
as it is. She needs to work on her "R" sound.
It's pathetic.

2. Honestly, before she came I hadn't thought
about her being a drummer but as we've
bonded and grown together she has proven
to have quite the rhythm. Unfortunately
(for some) this rhythm has come from her
vocal chords. They just don't know her like I
do.

Guest Blog: On Her Way by Uncle Jeremy

I've hardly blinked an eye for the past 3 nights. Maybe even four-5-6-7. She was supposed to come on 7-7-7, the day "Transformers" came out, but for some odd reason decided to wait a couple days... because I told her to of course, but for some other reason, too. I also noticed I said "she", that's quite complicated. You see, we've received news that she could be a boy. Or a girl. It's not for sure yet, my dad always told me ultra sound was like global warming, a complete hoax. And I believe my dad. ALWAYS. So the reason I said "she" was because I'd rather call him a "she" if she turns out to be a "he" than call him an "it" if she turns out to be a boy. That last sentence has brought us to one conclusion (us meaning whoever reads this and me), he is not an it. So don't call her that alright?

RANDOM points to be made:

Josef and I have been working really hard on her room.

Jonny is in Brasil.

Josh is in Alaska.

Jamey is in Italy.

I am here, as close to the delivery room as I can, which just so coincidentally happens to fall in the place of the TV room. Who do you think is gonna be her favorite uncle?

Leanna is in California

Lanessa is at Big Lake.

It's a toss up...?

This is Uncle General Jeremy from as close to the delivery room I can get. Until next time... I'm out.

"What Josef?! She's.. 's--wha..??" I gotta jet.. oh my goodness, she's comin guys...

Daughter Book, Written by Lanessa

Early heads-up:

Lanessa has been writing letters to her Niece for the past five months. Hilarious. Every entry includes a section she's entitled "Advice for the Day."

I will be editing and perhaps co-illustrating a coffee table-style book revolving around these letters and advice. Specifically about the Aunt/Niece relationship. Will be four-color printed, published, and available for reasonable purchase sometime in the next few months.

Predictions, pt. 2 : Ponder's Pick

If it's a boy, it will be born on July 1.

If it's a girl, it wil be born on July 18.

However, if it comes on any other date, it will be either a boy or a girl.

If it's a boy or a girl, it will be born on one of the dates I predicted, or on some other date.

If it's not human (and I'm not talking deformity here but rather meta-physicality), it will be beyond our lowly conceptions of space-time and will be born at a time and in a space that is neither time nor space but spiritual experience, which is to say eternity, and it (by this time "it" is the only appropriate pronoun the English language has for such a being), it will haunt our waking dreams and sleeping consciousness with love and bliss and ultimate meaning. Am I blowing your mind yet? Or am I creeping you out?

In the above eventuality, the child shall be named Om, but you'll actually spell it with the Sanskrit symbol.

The metaphysical scenario is not very likely, however, so I predict that if you settle on the name Orvis or Celester before knowing the gender, which I would completely understand and support, it will lock in the gender to male or female, respectively. It's an old folk way of choosing gender and really works. Unfortunately, the child has to live with one of those names, but, hey, "with great power comes inevitable sacrifice." I said that. And there's no "changing your mind" and changing the name after you get what you want. Don't mess with folk magic.

Final prediction: Orvis and Celester are the super-secret names you have up your sleeves and my mocking them will cause a serious rift in our relationship.

Jon

Letter #2 : Jamey

Written: 11-24-06

Dear Fenton(ella) Jamey,

Welcome to the world.

Your first few years will be filled with wonderment and joy. Soon thereafter you will realize several things. Your daddy's (?) fashion sense is not to be trusted. Do not take his advice that you will look "really sharp" at the prom with athletic goggles. Speaking of girls (hopefully), your adolescent years will be filled with conflict. There will be pain, tears, broken bones, and laughter, in that order (after the laughter, ask daddy's forgiveness; he pays your car insurance).

As to the tribulation caused by girl problems, take heart! It gets MUCH easier!

...Actually, just kidding. It doesn't.

You will be asked by your uncles on an ever-increasing basis which one is your favorite. Chuckle and play their game, but remember to always remind them that your Uncle Jamey is your Number One.

Be friendly and forgiving to everyone. Especially the wealthy. And your parents. Pushing the myriad stupidities they seemingly cannot cease to commit, they love you, want the best for you, and want to see you happy...this does not mean you should wear the goggles or wear a comb-over to church.

Play music. It fulfills two objectives:
1. It will make you invincible to women, and
2. It will feed your soul...in the grand scheme of things it's mainly about the girls, however.

Be happy. Love your family (the Longs are like the Mafia, only tighter). Listen to your parents (unless it has to do with clothing selection). Love God. Revere me.

Love,

Uncle Jamey

Naming a Kid

Thus far all my siblings have attached "Junior" to the Kid's name. As in:

Leanna Jr.

Joshelina Jr.

Jamey Jr.

Jonny Jr.

Jeremy Jr.

Lanessa Jr.

My dad refers to the Kid as "Elsie" or "LC," which coincidentally happen to be both the name of his truck as well as the first two initials of his name.

(Lee Claire)