THE DESCENT.

One time in Montana, I went floating down a giant rocky river without shoes.

You gotta use what you got, and sometimes if you don't got it, you still do it.

But life is a lot easier with the right equipment.

Like shoes on a rocky river.

CONVERSATIONS. Koda and Drake, lost hikers on a backroad.

The night was getting dark as we drove the last couple hundred yards up the mountain; almost home after seven hours on the road. 

Look!

One of the children said.

There’s two teenagers walking up our mountain!

On this rare occasion, they were correct. I looked out and there were two boys; one shirtless, weaving their way up the mountain a hundred yards from our place. 

I pulled in. Me and three of my favourite girls: my 10-year old daughter, my eight-year old niece, and my 22-year old sister. Home at last. I turned off the lights, opened the car door, and stepped outside.

Daddy!

she whispered urgently. 

They’re coming down our driveway! 

Sure enough. Two young men slinked down the driveway. After 10pm, dark night, lonely mountain, two strange characters in my yard. 

I shut the door, tossed the keys in, and locked it from the inside, not in that order, and walked up to confront them. 

Hi!

I said. 

What’s going on?

They both started talking, but then the shorter, shirtless, inked one anointed himself the alpha. I’m not going to try quoting him, because very little made sense, but apparently there was an ex-girlfriend they were supposed to meet, and then they somehow got lost. Lost on the top of a mountain three miles from the Safeway at the bottom where they had started off. 

Can I use your phone? 

he asked. 

I’m really sorry, mine is almost dead and I need to call my mom to see if she can pick us up.

Right, I thought, and bypassed his question with my own

Are you drinking?

I asked. 

No sir,

He said. 

I mean, earlier we were, but not since we started walking up this mountain.

You smell like booze. 

I said. 

What’s the number?

I punched it in and handed the phone to him, crowding him a little and keeping his tall skinny friend in my field of view. 

The children peered through the car window and he noticed as the phone was ringing. 

Your kids are so cute.

He said.

I love kids. I’m definitely planning on having my own kids.

I decided to wait until he was off the phone to suggest that perhaps he consider having his own children with someone other than his ex-girlfriend, and also possibly investing in an automobile, and possibly a lifestyle change or two. 

An older female voice answered at the other end. He jumped right in. Hey Mom, can you pick us up? We were supposed to meet ____ and ______ and then _____ so can you pick us up at the cross street of ______.  

Okay, see you soon, love you Mama. 

Hung up, handed my phone back. My body relaxed slightly; happy that I wasn’t going to have to chase someone in the dark to get my phone back. 

Hey thanks so much,

He said.

Sorry to bother you. 

Sure thing.

I said.

They started walking up our driveway. I gave twenty seconds to make sure they weren’t bluffing and made a decision:

Hey,

I called.

Call your mom back. I’ll give you a ride to Safeway. 

Really?

He said.

That would be so awesome!

Yep.

I said.

Give me two minutes.

I unloaded my daughter, niece, and sister our of the car quickly and hustled them inside.

Lock it behind.

I told my sis. 

I’ll call you in ten. 

They climbed in and I drove out. One hand on the wheel, one on my phone and two-foot length of sturdy fiberglass club I keep handy for such situations. 

So...

I said.

Explain to me again how you came to be up here?

Again, they both started in, but the shorter, the one in the passenger seat, took over. Short version is they were trying to walk partway up the mountain to meet his ex-girlfriend, and obviously paths got crossed up, and cell phones were going dead, and...

What were your names?

I asked.

Koda. 

Said the shorter alpha in the front seat.

Drake.

Said the taller sidekick in the back. 

Joseph.

I said from my position in the driver’s seat. 

So she’s your ex, Koda? 

Yeah.

He said.

I mean...sort of. It’s complicated. I mean, I still love her, and she sometimes likes me, but she yanks me around a lot and I’m okay with it. I know what to expect. 

Well...

I said. 

I don’t know what to say. That’s not cool. Sounds like you’re a loyal guy. Meeting up with her tonight and all. 

Yeah.

He said.

So what keeps you guys busy when you’re not hiking mountains in the dark?

I asked.

Koda jumped in. 

I’m gonna travel and buy property. My plan is, I’m going to school to learn HVAC, and when I’m done I’ll start at $60 thousand a year, and then I’ll be making in the triple digits after a few years. 

Whoa.

I said. 

Sounds like a good plan.

Yeah totally.

He said.

So I’m gonna save up three or four hundred thousand and then buy property. I’ve been researching and you can buy, like, 40 acres for $20 grand in Montana.  

Montana’s awesome,

I said, checking out quiet Drake in the back seat. 

You been there?

Nah,

He said.

I’ve never been further away than Bend. But there’s, like a bunch of places in the world where you can buy cheap property. After I’ve saved up three or four hundred thousand I’ll go buy some and then get a 5th wheel with my buddies and set up a drifting track. 

Pretty cool!

I said.

Have you checked out Tokyo?

I’m really into drifting,

He raced ahead.

But I wanna make my own track, so we can build it how we want, and then just, like, do it whenever we want, you know. 

That sounds like it’ll be a pretty awesome experience and setup. 

I said. 

I would love to find out about some of these property deals. And maybe start HVAC school. 

Yeah.

He said. 

I’ve got it figured out. 

What about you, Drake?

I asked.

What’re you up to?

I did have a job until a few weeks ago,

He said.

I worked with my dad loading pallets and cargo and stuff. But then he got fired for drinking on the job. So they fired me too because I guess they thought I wouldn’t be reliable either. 

That’s unfortunate, I’m sorry,

I said.

Are you reliable?

Yeah,

He said. 

I’m planning to go through IBEW training so I can be an electrician. You make good money. 

That’s what I hear,

I said. 

Good luck. So how do you guys know each other?

We went to the same high school,

Koda jumped in. 

But we weren’t friends. We were in, like, totally different groups. But then I saw him at a party and I was like, hey, I know you. We should, you know, so yeah, we were trying to meet up with my girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend. 

I’m supposed to be in Maui right now,

Drake explained from the back.

But I missed my flight.

Uhh...

I said. 

How did that happen?

I was at a party the night before,

He said.

And I forgot to set my alarm and my friend that I was supposed to go with called and said we gotta go RIGHT now, and he said he could come pick me up if I was ready right then, but I was too out of it and I just said, ‘just go man.’ So he did. 

So...

I said.

What happened to your ticket?

I told him to take his girlfriend,

Drake said.

So originally he was going with you, 

I asked.

But then his girlfriend was ready to go last minute and the ticket transfer worked and all?

Yeah, pretty much,

He said. 

Maui would be pretty cool, I’ve never been there. 

I’ve heard it’s kind of spectacular,

I said.

But on the bright side, at least your friend’s girlfriend is enjoying it.

Yeah.

He said. 

It’s like, I probably shouldn’t have gone to the party the night before.

Yeah.

I said.

That might have been a good idea...but you’ll have a drifting track to hang out at soon!

Yeah!

Koda said, and Drake nodded in the back. 

I pulled into the Safeway, directly in front, and stuck my hazards on. 

You guys gonna be good from here? 

I asked.

Oh yeah, yeah yeah.

Koda said.

Thank you SO MUCH. 

He reached out his hand and gave me a firm handshake. Drake leaned in and gave me one too. 

Thank you SO MUCH.

He said also.

Sure thing, guys,

I said.

Good luck with everything, and school and work and property ownership!

I drove away and watched in the rear view mirror as they scanned the parking lot for their ride, which I was not inclined to wait around for. 

SIX MINUTES LATER:

I parked for the second time that night in our driveway. Stuck my key in the front door lock, twisted, opened, walked in...

...and was greeted by a 22-, 10-, and 8-year old in suspended state of attack; ready to repel unknown entrants. I believe one - my daughter - was aggressively holding a pair of scissors in front of her. I do not recall whether my sister was wielding a machete, or whether or not my niece had a chainsaw. Those details escape me. What I do recall is that apparently my return was not expected; they were in fact quite certain that “the teenage boys,” as they derisively called them, would be returning, sans me, to attack the house, rob everything, and leave a trail of carnage behind. 

Somewhere between one and three of them fully believed this. 

*

FOOTNOTE: my daughter corrected this incident to the following: “I didn’t think the TWO of them would be coming back. I thought THEY were the distraction, and after you left, a THIRD would be coming along to break into the house.” 

Where she gets her out-of-control imagination, I have no idea.

*

I spent the rest of the night on the phone, talking down my son, my nephew, and various other family members and friends that had been alerted during my eleven-minute absence to the near-catastrophe. There were tears, there was certainty that we would be under home invasion for the rest of their childhood, and there was nowhere in any conversation the acknowledgment that I was, in fact, the hero of this story and handled it exceptionally well. I am, in fact, the only one that has truly stated the simple facts, which are that absolutely yes, they were planning to attack the house and do horrible things, but due to my calm, firm, and non-violent intervention, a Manson-esque tragedy was averted. 

Again, my involvement in this has never been the focal point in this story. Am I a hero? Who’s to say? Who’s to say. I just live my life threading the guy wire between Sergeant John “Die Hard” McClain and Nelson Mandela. The streets are safe, the mountain is secure, and Koda and Drake...I wish you the best with your future jobs, properties, and relationships. 

And maybe learn to prioritize between a party and a Hawaiian vacation. Mazel tov, boys. 

A LETTER TO ALMOST-BIG PEOPLE.

Dear Almost Big Person, and Friends,

it takes a long time,
but finally you get there
and you realise
how cool it is to be big,

and then the nostalgia's
gonna kick in, kid.
ya still got a few moments of child-living left.
you're not all the way big yet.

but just about.

and when you're there,
all the way big,
you can eat popsicles whenever you want,
with your main peeps on each side twenty-four-seven;
that's how cool it is to be big,

today, ya just get one treat though,
cause you're not big enough for two.
enjoy that first one, don't ever forget it,
it'll be the best spinach-and-veggie popsicle your mama'll ever find ya.

and you don't have to do anything you don't wanna,
that's what it'll be like when you're all the way big.
but try to enjoy the journey for a tiny longer.
it ain't too good being little,

but it ain't all bad either.

there's a downside to getting big, maybe two:
ya gotta shower once a month or so,
or other big people get sore.

enjoy the bigness, and don't hurry it up.

sincerely,

A Really Cool Big Person.

KING AND COUNTESS OF CONVENIENCE.

Becca and I were watching an episode of Elementary after the children were in bed. We ate deep fat fried cheese jalapeño poppers, a remnant from New Year's Eve partying. This is what we consider a date night out. At least if we get through an episode without any children awakening or one of us falling asleep. Under these criteria, our date night was almost successful.

There was an idea thrown around in this particular program (S3E7?) about the choice of a life of convenience versus a life of adventure, and the ongoing battle between the two for certain types of people.

This is a short post, so I will end it here by saying this: I am one of those people.

I fight hard for an optimal balance of the two, and my fighting is sometimes successful, in the sense that the fight is the adventure and the occasional success is the convenience. Anyway.

Here I am, 41, running as hard now as a decade ago, except now I tuck the kids into bed, watch a little telly with my love, and then head down to my dark dungeon to work. That is part of the running hard: sitting on a hard chair under terrible lighting ruining my already rotten eyes doing work I should not be doing at midnight.

And that is part of the adventure, and the quest to build a slightly higher level of convenience for my family so that we may someday be able to embark on other adventures that are still yet dreams.

Farewell.

LAUGHTER, AND ITS DIRECTION AT THE ANGELS.

I confess to a certain level of affection for these children’s mother.

It is highly probable that there is not anyone who laughs at me more than her, although the competition for top spot is all contained in this image.

It is as it should be.

Merry December. Be nice to all.

DATE NIGHT / LAUNDRY NIGHT.

Same thing.

Merry Christmas.

Bye.

MOVIES: COLONIA.

If you feel like watching a mesmerizing thriller that will double your heart rate and increase your fury at the ways in which collusions of bastardized religion colliding with political power can be used to abuse, manipulate and control...

...watch Colonia. Inspired by true events*; set in early 1970s Chile against the rise of the brutal Pinochet regime, it tracks a young woman’s foray into a cult to rescue her boyfriend.

After viewing, run to the internets for missing pieces. Chilling, horrific, mesmerizing. And relevant. Perhaps not the exact same scenario repeating, but the interplay between political and religious power and the pathology of following a charismatic tyrant is not exactly stuck in old history books.

Or, there’s always Beauty and the Beast. Emma Watson’s in that one too. Slightly different theme.

*I know, I know

CAESAR NON SUPRA GRAMMATICOS.

when your dad is making you learn Latin roots,
sometimes you need a comforting ear,
that you can grumble and cry to,
and wish he was less awful.

what a wonderful world that would be.

___

#meandad
#standagainsttyranny
#unitedagainstdad

A DAY LIKE ___ OTHER.

a day like every other, and no other.
use it well.

41 THOUGHTS ON 41 (IT'S MY BIRTHDAY).

I am 41 today. Here is what I know, off the top of my head, to the extent it’s helpful. Happy birthday to you all.

1. Listen to The Walkmen at least four times a year. They released seven albums. At least six of them are well worth repeated listenings.

2. What does every home need, besides love and loud music? Very little, aside from rope swings, functioning toilets, and door knobs.

3. Could I have had a successful career in the NFL, especially considering the fact that I did not play in college? I don’t know. Maybe not, but probably so.

4. Could I have had a successful four years playing Division 1 college football, especially considering the fact that I did not play in high school? I don’t know. Maybe not, but probably so.

5. There are three times in my life I almost drowned, not counting the times in a swimming pool. I didn’t though. I love the water. I was never a lifeguard. In another life, I would either be a hip hop artist or in the Coast Guard. I like this life a lot too.

6. Movie franchises I secretly love, part I: Resident Evil.

7. If you are the son of a dentist, don’t rebel in college by not flossing. How dumb can you get?

8. Are Apple products overhyped and overpriced? I’m not going to argue with you about it. Good design is good design, but do what works for you. And on the topic, read David Byrne’s Bicycle Diaries.

9. Public libraries, NPR, and Malcolm Gladwell generally have my undying love, as long as I’m alive.

10. Have I mastered unicycling, juggling, or the accordion? No, not yet. But I’ve dabbled in at least one of them (am practicing on a two-wheeled unicycle) and fully expect to Miyagi myself to maestro status in all three disciplines over the upcoming four decades.

11. I will not give out a bunch of advice, although I have forty-one years saved up when you’re ready, but let me advise that one of the best things you can do for yourself is to start drinking 32 ounces of hot lemon water every morning. Seriously.

12. Is Donald Trump the least competent President of all time? I honestly don’t know. Of the last ninety years? Definitely.

13. Movie franchises I secretly love, part II: Underworld

14. I don’t really ever listen to metal, besides Soulfly, Judas Priest, Deafheaven, Killer Be Killed, Deftones, Halford, System of a Down, and Run the Jewels. My wife is so awesome and works hard sometimes to appreciate them too. Sometimes the effort is what’s important.

15. I love Avril Lavigne’s rendition of O Holy Night.

16. Classical music five mornings a week serves a body and mind well. Three can’t miss delicious options to blast at 6:15am. Haydn’s Symphony in G minor, Beethoven’s Piano Concerto No. 3 in C minor , Vivaldi’s Concerto in E-major (Summer - and the whole seasons suite), Rachmaninov’s Prelude in C-Sharp Minor. Yum. Loud.

17. Cursive and coding should both be taught in every school.

18. I think childhood is necessary at most ages.

19. I am moderately interested in Augmented Reality, as opposed to fairly disinterested in  Virtual Reality. In this respect, I fancy I might be considered normal.

20. One Sunday in grad school, I started watching the BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice with my wife. One of the best six-hour viewing experiences I’ve ever had. Also, time to watch Stephen King’s The Stand again.

21. Books you should read: Sophie’s World, anything by Malcolm Gladwell, the newspapers that print news and refuse to bow to bullies in power.

22. I am not always a good example, but I am trying to get better at humbleness and humility. I want to at least be better than our children at it. I’m tired of children getting better than me at stuff. Should be illegal. I’d like to be really good at something again. Something I can really hang my hat on.

23. If I could bring back an archaic tradition, it would be that of men wearing cool hats. Not to make a statement, just because that’s what you did. At least that’s the impression I get from watching old Jimmy Stewart films, which, by the way, you should re-watch Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. I don’t think James Stewart, Henry Fonda, or Johnny Cash would make it into the current Administration’s Cabinet.

24. I write in pen. But when I write in pencil, I don’t erase.

25. Am I Banksy? You’d like to know for sure, one way or another, wouldn’t you? But that’s not something I’m prepared to address on my 41st birthday.

26. I would still very much like to dig a hole someday to another country, or at least to a neighbor’s house. And I love love love so much Arcade Fire’s 2003 Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels). Goosebumps.

27. Keep your chainsaw blade sharp.

28. If possible, try to become friends with someone who owns large machinery, in the event you ever need it, or if there’s an apocalyptic event in which a Prius wouldn’t cut it. And season 7 of The Walking Dead is in a world of its own. #negan

29. I go through stages of drawing a lot, and then not. I’m going to draw more in my 40s.

30. I honestly don’t understand why anyone would use Pandora over Spotify. Also, I have two turntables and a typewriter to fix. How did people fix stuff before YouTube?

31. Quitting is an underrated skill, virtue, and talent that gets a bad rap. There’s a time to persevere, and there’s a time to quit, regardless of what Kevin Costner might have to say in Tin Cup. Speaking of Mr. Costner, as far as I’m concerned, he has appeared in exactly one horrible film in his entire career.

32. I like the gritty aesthetic of chalkboards, but whiteboards are so much easier to work with.

33. I’m less and less interested in re-watching and re-reading films or books I’ve already experienced. The same is not true for music, which is why I love music. See: The Walkmen.

34. How do you know who to trust? I can’t tell you who to trust. But look at their history and their pattern of truth telling. Or not. Do I trust President Trump with anything? No. He has a pattern of not only lying but doing so without apology, without retraction, without remorse, and perhaps most disturbingly, weaponizing false information that serves his agenda, and after a half-year+ on the job, I am convinced that the number one agenda he serves is that of himself. Not serve his country. Serve himself. Full stop. Does the New York Times ever lie? Perhaps and possibly; more accurately they sometimes make mistakes. And generally own up to them, for whatever ethical, legal, or pragmatic motivations. They don’t double down on a lie because it would be ridiculous to. Institutions and people such as the Washington Post, Senator John McCain, Bob Woodward, and Malcolm Gladwell have earned my respect because of PATTERNS of truth telling, serving the public good, asking questions, and doggedly searching for answers to the complicated ones.

35. I don’t know if I’ll ever be a famous musician. First, I need to be a musician. The rest will follow.

36. Would I follow my six siblings into battle? Of course! It would be much more dangerous at the front.

37. People say I walk fast. I don’t know. I just walk.

38. I love teaching. I would love to teach again. I think if you want to become a multimillionaire that the teaching profession is not the swiftest path to getting there.

39. It’s definitely a good idea to sleep the proper amount. Smart people have said that, and studies back that idea up. Definitely going to put some thought into that idea.

40. I’d really like either a boat or a plane by the time I’m 50, preferably whichever one works better on water.

41. I am happy for the many varied and nuanced friendships I have. That includes the virtual ones.

Thank you. And I accept your well wishes for the upcoming weeks. Use today well. Be kind, be curious, and balance your life between standing tall for what is right and kneeling in humble strength and support for what must change.

Happy birthday, everyone. I’m sharing it with you.

INTO THE WILD.

Please Eddie Vedder, please write a song about this summer, and this place, and make something bittersweetlybeautiful out of heartbreak.

HELP, THEY'RE READING TOO MUCH.

One of my favourite things: watching the facial range of emotions when a child is completely absorbed in a book. On an irrelevant related note, for the love of all that is holy and dear to Nina Simone, definitely listen to Benjamin Clementine's 2014 album. So delicious. ____ #44books #reading #ivyandbean @benjaminclementine

A post shared by Joseph Long (@josephivanlong) on Sep 1, 2017 at 11:10pm PDT

#SOUNDOFSILENCE.

A moment to relax...aaah.

WELL OKAY...

"Do NOT,"
one shrilled at me.
"Shave! It makes you look young! Way too young!"

"Yeah,"
the other one chimed in.
"And also you're way more strict after you shave!"

"I think,"
I said.
"We are going to have a conversation about causation versus correlation...

...................................

...after I finish shaving."

THE DAY BEFORE TOMORROW.

You change your mind so much!
she said.
When are you going to stick with one thing? You'll be seven tomorrow!

I know.
he replied calmly.
I'll try to remember next time.

There is no next time,
she responded.
Donald Trump got elected.

___

Where is this conversation from?

Who cares.

This is what good days are made of.

ANALOG (USE TODAY WELL).

Today is a day. Use it. Use it well. ___ #pnw #44analog #long2017 #dorothyparker

A post shared by Joseph Long (@josephivanlong) on Jun 24, 2017 at 8:05am PDT

WHICH ONE?

Five minutes after we finished Tom Sawyer last week, one of them asked me if we could re-read. #happyheart

(and which river?)

DAYS OF RAIN.

days of sun and rain
days of dark and pain
always mountains to climb
never knowing heights others have to scale

every adult I see facing enormous challenges,
I imagine them as children once.
children who should have possibilities and adventures
and tools and support for the tough ascents

my heart is ever sad for those with seemingly unscalable mountains,
and I want to race back in a time machine and figure out what will help them get through
and over
and around the tough ranges.

one thing I know; I know with so much certainty, is that I don't
imagine myself ever having regrets over
listening to too much music,
or
being kind one too many times to one too many persons.

I think it's tough to go overboard with those things.

____

Chris Cornell 1964-2017

ENDANGERED (A BIRD A PLANE A ________.)

Oh my word!
he screeched.
Look! There is a BUNNY up in that tree!

Really?
I said.

Oh...
he said.
I guess it's a raccoon.

Really?
I said.

Oh wait...
he said.
It might be a...squirrel.

Whoa!
I said.
Cool.

A squirrel!
he squealed.
So cool!

And ran off to begin drawing a map of Europe.
____

Happy sunshine day!

BATTLE FOR SUPREMACY.

Sometimes you gotta talk thing things out. Or arm wrestle for supremacy. Whatever it takes to resolve conflict semi-amicably. I really have no advice to give, but I will tell you that your life will be infinitely better if you can commit to listening to at least 15 minutes each of the #Pixies and #Rachmaninov every week. ____ #long2017post #evel0 #mdl09 #44music #conflictresolution #childrening

A post shared by Joseph Long (@josephivanlong) on May 2, 2017 at 8:57pm PDT