ENTHUSIA (THREE COWS AND A BEAR).

STOP!!!
he screeched from the backseat.

I responded immediately, pulling over a half mile down the road.
What is it?
I asked.

I SAW A BEAR!

Really?
I said.
Are you sure?!

Pretty sure!
he said enthusiastically.

Let's go find it!
I said more enthusiastically.

I carefully maneuvered a seven-point turn and U-ied around, trying to keep our speed to under 15 miles per hour on the backwoods highway; a decision not all in my rear view mirror were thrilled with.

THERE!
he gasped enthusiastically.

I wrenched the wheel over and gently sloshed through the puddles, onto a wide shoulder, adjacent to a fence.

Pretty sure I saw it over -
his eyes alit.
- THERE!!

He pointed.
I looked.

Whoa!
I said enthusiastically.
That is a black creature!

I know.
he said, not without enthusiasm.
Because it's a black bear.

Awesome!
I said.
It almost looks from here like it could be...something else! Let's get the binoculars out!

We pulled them out, and I quickly racked focus to check out the hulkian predator lurking in the farmer's field off yonder.

I think -
I began...
And the binocs were enthusiastically departed from my grasp. He fitted them to his eyes, checking both ends to ensure proper functionality, before settling on the smaller end to inspect in detail.

I think...
he said, setting them down.
...that it's definitely a bear.

Do you think,
I asked.
there's a possibility they might be cows? There's four of them all laying there along the edge of the forest...or do you think they're all bears?

That's what I was thinking!
he said enthusiastically.
Except I think maybe three of them are cows.

He gently ripped the binoculars off the seat and thoroughly inspected the scene again, setting them down four seconds later with finality.

Yep.
he said.
I was right. Most of them are cows.

Are you sure?
I asked cautiously.

Yep.
he said.
I'm pretty sure three of them are cows.

And the other one?
I asked.

That one,
he said enthusiastically.
Is definitely a black bear.

So,
I asked.
You're thinking that the black bear is hanging out, just taking a nap with those three black cows? Kinda funny, how they all sort of look like cows from here!

I know!
he said enthusiastically.
They all definitely look similar!

Well,
I said.
That is one of the coolest things I've seen.
Three cows and a bear napping together.

I know,
he sighed enthusiastically.
Can we go look for some salamanders now?

Yes.
I screeched enthusiastically.

MY WIFE AND WILLIAM WALLACE.

Oh no, are you gonna make it?
she murmured,

and bent over, in the downpour as we enjoyed a wet walk, to retrieve a baby worm in the middle of the road.

There you go,
she said, as she gently moved him* to safety in the bushes.

This precious baby worm will likely be eaten by an aggressive and starving baby bird soon, but its death will mean something greater, as opposed to ignominiously getting run over by a truck.

A few more hours of life and the opportunity to die a hero's death later in the day. Because of one person. One woman. My wife.

Our children are so lucky to be raised by this human. Countess Becca, I still like you very much most of the time and am honored to be alongside to document your greatness. I don't know if you're the best, because I haven't met everyone in the world, but you're definitely pretty good. Thanks for being you. The world is brighter and certainly much more fun in the areas you inhabit.



*her?


___


Dear Mom,

Thank you for passing along your love of people, stories, music, and adventure to me and all your children. You make the universe glow brighter every single day. Love ya!

Joseph.


___


Dear Vicki,

Thanks for being a wonderful mom, mama-i-l, grandma, killa cook and baker, and fun human being, love ya lots V!

Joseph.


___


Dear Jeffrey,

So many of my favourite people to celebrate today...yes sir, you are in good company, and so are they. You're a gem, Jeffrey, hope today's been dandy all the way around and that at least a sliver of it got saved for some super special JT birthday singsonging and such. Incidentally, it just struck me that we have known each other for nineteen years now. Whoa. Thanks for being you and I demand you continue doing so for many years to come. All the best, Jeffrey, happy birthday!

Guiseppe.

ENDANGERED (A BIRD A PLANE A ________.)

Oh my word!
he screeched.
Look! There is a BUNNY up in that tree!

Really?
I said.

Oh...
he said.
I guess it's a raccoon.

Really?
I said.

Oh wait...
he said.
It might be a...squirrel.

Whoa!
I said.
Cool.

A squirrel!
he squealed.
So cool!

And ran off to begin drawing a map of Europe.
____

Happy sunshine day!

UNDERWORLD IF RAH.

risen.

My son and I got into a huge fight today over the merits of the new Underworld release Barbara Barbara, We Face a Shining Future. I have been a fairweather fan of the Brit electronic pioneers for years, occasionally loving, often ambivalent, but find this current release to be their best in a decent while. We were enjoying a good wrestle earlier while track 2, "If Rah," was playing, when he extricated himself from leaping on my face to run over and turn it OFF. "I don't like how they're just repeating the same thing over and over," he explained. As a fellow self-expressed electronic music aficionado, it was surprising to hear him say this, and disheartening in the extreme. I quit playing with him and threatened to put on John Cage. Children can be so temperamental. ____ #underworld #barbarabarbarawefaceashiningfuture #44music

A photo posted by Joseph Long (@josephivanlong) on Mar 28, 2016 at 10:53pm PDT

BLURRY PHOTO COUPLED WITH MOSTLY INSPIRING MESSAGE JUST WAITING TO BE TURNED INTO POSTER.

"Sometimes, you don't shoot for something because you know you'll make it.

Sometimes, you simply shoot because you know that every day you shoot you'll get a little bit closer and someday, SOMEDAY...you WILL make it.

Or you won't. That's a possibility too, in which case your time could probably have been spent practicing something else more likely to pay off."

- me

CONVERSATIONS. Craigslist, bike racks, Denmark.

Are you Joseph?

she called out from across NE Williams, before darting across.

Yep!

I greeted her as she joined me by her Prius.

And you must be Jessica.

Yes!

she said, and gestured to the bike rack hanging off her car.

So...this is it. Any questions?

Are you firm on $75?

I asked.

Would you take $65?

Her face scrunched up:

Yeah, I actually am firm. Is that okay?

I think so.

I said, smiling.

Had to ask. So why are you selling it?

Well,

she said.

It's been great for the last couple years. But now we're moving in two weeks.

Oh yeah?

I said.

Where to?

My company is relocating half of us to Denmark, 

she said.

NO WAY!

I said, making no attempt to disguise my envious excitement.

Copenhagen is one of the top five cities in the world I want to visit!

Well,

she said, smiling.

That's where I'm moving to!

I shook my head.

That is so awesome. What company?

It's a publishing company,

she said.

Kinship magazine. Have you heard of it? Lifestyle, that sort of thing?

Heard of it, haven't read it.

I said.

Not yet. Anyway, yeah, I'll take the bike rack.

I handed over a wad of cash.

Should be seventy-five there.

She stuffed it away without looking or counting it.

I trust you.

Well,

I said.

I'm guessing our paths may not cross in the immediate future, so have a fantastic new adventure in Denmark!

Thanks!

she said, black hair fluttering in the gentle Portland morning breeze.

Enjoy the rack, hope it works out well for you!

Thanks,

I said.

And trudged back to my motorcar to attach it.

It attached well, and will serve us well, as we transport bicycles around the United States, or at least a corner of the United States, and I hope to someday bicycle with my family in Denmark, and I will try to be happy when cool things happen to kind people, like my fleeting Craigslist friend Jessica, and I will continue to be happy that I got a two hundred and seventy dollar three-bike rack for seventy-five bucks.

Or sixty-five. Hopefully I gave her the right amount...

____

FIVE RANDOM THINGS.

1. Our son woke up this morning first thing wanting to practice riding his bicycle. "I'm getting really good at bike riding, Daddy, I think I'm ready to buy a mountain bike now."

2. We are the proud foster parents of four alpacas, as of this evening:

Dolly, Brown Sugar, Sally, and Mauve. 

3. Loving: Chappo and Caravan Palace.

4. Watching the Adam Sandler/Drew Barrymore romcom "Blended." Messy, predictable script, but there's something about the chemistry between them that's captivating and charming...

5. Allegedly this is the driest summer since 1960-something. It's a warm one.

CONVERSATIONS: African parrots, Teds Nugent and Turner, North North Korean bird flu.

I stood watching the Birdman from Oregon deliver a colourful bird-filled presentation at the library to a packed room. Mostly children, but also their parents and caretakers they came bundled with.

I have rarely been described as an expert on exotic birds, and somehow the 40ish gentleman next to me at the back sniffed out my naïveté. He leaned in:

That's an African parrot. African Gray Parrot.

I nodded, as this confirmed what the presenter had just presented. He continued, leaning into stage whisper, attired in the interesting-to-me combo of Seahawks hat and Packers tee-shirt. I conjectured he must be an American football aficionado.

That parrot there -
he pointed at the parrot the Birdman held -
- that parrot is as smart as your five-year old.

His intuition surprised me, as my son was still a few days away from hitting five. In other words, this parrot was likely WAY smarter than my five-year old, since he wasn't five yet.

Really?
I nodded in respectful surprise, and turned back to the presentation. He leaned in to make sure I wasn't missing anything:

Oh yeah. Those birds are SMART. But you gotta be careful with diseases. Like bird flu. You know, wash hands. You think of cats and dogs as carrying diseases, but birds carry them too. Speaking of cat scratch fever, you know that's real? It's a real disease. You know who's a cool guy?

I hazarded a guess, based less on personal opinion and more - unfairly perhaps - on the type of person he might deem cool.

Ted Nugent?
I guessed wildly.

Yep.
he nodded proudly, but lost the smile to lean in again and pound the air for emphasis:
- He hunts with a BOW AND ARROW. That is a cool guy.

I nodded, in the same manner I might nod if Donald Trump's daughter asked me if I thought he would make a good leader.

He continued:
You know who is NOT cool? You know who I can't stand?

I decided to retire with my winning streak intact and not hazard another guess; shook my head.

Ted Turner. You know who Ted Turner is? Owned all those TV stations?

I nodded.

You know who's even worse?

I had a strong suspicion, but wanted to give him the opportunity to break the news. He did.

His WIFE! Do you know who his wife is?!

I felt like impressing him.
- Jane Fonda.
I said flatly.

YEAH!
he whisper-yelled while Birdman continued 30 feet away.
So you know what I'm talking about!! You know all about her...

He trailed off, apparently satisfied that we were kindred spirits on the subject of Ms. Fonda. I briefly considered inviting him to stick "Hanoi Jane" into Snopes and see what came up - but he was already off to the next item. I wasn't completely certain of the connection between Jane and where things went next, except that they were both not on his cool list.

You know who else I can't stand?
he asked.

I didn't.

He scratched his mustache grizzle and continued:
Dennis Rodman.
Acrobatically, he leaned in more, because it was important, but to compensate for the lean, he raised his whisper.

- He ought to be hopscotching through a minefield. I'm serious. Through. A. Mine. Field. Not even joking. Treason. High treason. You know what he'd get in just about any other country?

I suspected he might tell me.

The death penalty. Pretty much all these other countries he'd get fifty years plus death.

I had to ponder exactly how that worked, so again, I missed the connecting thread between Dennis and the next piece.

I met the guy who trained the last two Iditarod winners. Can you believe that?

I could.

Yep. Right at the dog park. Anyway. I've got this friend who swears - ...

(Again, I must apologize, because in this conversational sprint, I was a mile behind already and still processing Dennis and Jane, so I am unsure if he was referring to the dog trainer or someone else.)

- ...so anyway, I've got this friend who swears that - you what happened in the air over Bosnia?

In the '90s?
I guessed, because I am skilled at educated guessing.

You got it. The flight that went down...this guy saw the plane. He saw it and he says -

he leaned in.
- He says that they were all shot in the back of the head. Back. Of. The. Head. They were supposed to be coming back to testify. True story. I'm not playing. I am not. Playing.

I shook my head, because I was not playing either, although the dozen squawking birds a short distance away sounded like they were. He glanced up at them for a moment.

Blue throated macaw. Those are some smart birds. And you know Vincent Foster? Found dead in the parking lot? Not what really happened. I am not playing. The Clintons...

- A lady in the back angrily leaned in - I had a lot of people leaning into me - and shushed us. It is important to clarify that it was not a librarian, because I adore libraries and librarians, and this woman was not speaking on behalf of the library. She did, however, make a good point. We were being distracting.

I excused myself quickly and quietly, and listened to the remaining bit of presentation on Ledbetter's cockatoos. I noticed my new friend circling around the back and was happy to see he found someone else to converse with, and not be alone. But I will always wonder what really happened to Vincent Foster.

OH (A STORY ABOUT THE EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM AND ONE THING THAT MIGHT POSSIBLY BE WRONG WITH IT).

WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!!
I shrieked at him in a hybrid scalding-scolding tone.
Why are you trying to crush that poor little ant?!

Daddy, I was -

I interrupted.
Listen, that little ant is not in our home. It's close to its own home. It's not hurting us, or invading our house, or eating our food. Why are you trying to smash it?

Well Daddy, I was -

I interrupted, out of necessity, because my lesson was not getting through.
Do you remember what hard workers ants are? They are valuable members of our ecosystem and we can learn a lot from them. This little guy here was probably heading home trying to get to his family when you, a big mean giant, almost killed him.

We watched the little fellow skimp along. I felt my son take a breath to try defending himself again, so I moved quickly to block it.

Listen buddy,
I said, not totally unkindly, with just the right mix of educational moment condescension.
We've gotta look out for people and creatures smaller than us, okay? When they're not bothering us, why should we go bothering them?

Okay.
he said.
But I was -

Just please listen.
I said.
Just listen, because this is important. It may be a little ant, but it's not a very kind thing to do to go killing creatures, no matter how small, just for fun, or because they're simply in front of you. Haven't we read enough Dr. Seuss and Far Side for you to know this?

Yeah.
he said.
I wasn't actually trying to kill it. It was walking toward a stream of water and I thought it might drown so I was putting my finger next to it to help it go away from the water so it wouldn't drown.

Oh.
I said.
Oh.

Oh.

Uh-oh.

EDWARD OH. BUNUEL WILSON.

I asked the same question I ask every morning:
What did you dream about last night?

I dreamed...
he said.
...about Paddington Bear.

What happened in your dream about Paddington?
I asked.

Except...
he ignored my follow-up question.
...in my dream his name wasn't Paddington, and he wasn't actually a bear.

What was he?
I asked.

A penguin.
he said.
He was a penguin.

Okay.
I said.
So Paddington Bear was actually a penguin?

Yeah.
he said.
And his name wasn't Paddington. I forgot now what it was.

Yeah.
I said.
Sometimes that happens with dreams.

Also,
he said.
I dreamed about a type of animal that never gets scared.

Really!?
I said.
What kind of animal was it?

It was...
he thought.
...the kind of animal you see in animal magazines.

Oh.
I said.
You have cool dreams.

Yeah.
he said.
And also I dreamed about a green fly. It was like a black fly. Only green.

You need to make a movie of your dreams.
I said.

He nodded,
and went off to find a camera.

SELFIES IN MR. MIYAGI'S BACKYARD, SORT OF.

Daddy? he said. I like the fish in this pond. I'm going to pretend that they're in saltwater, and that I'm a shark in there with them. Oh. I said. And what would you be doing? Well. he said. Sharks aren't vegetarian, so I would probably be trying to eat them. ____ #44portland #japanesegarden #jxil04 #long2015 #44pacificnwplaces #vegan

A photo posted by Joseph Long (@josephivanlong) on Jan 31, 2015 at 10:32pm PST

I think that some of the best examples of Juxtaposition* I've experienced recently were at the Japanese Garden today watching people take selfies.

Really a lovely place. I can't say our children were giddy with excitement initially, but after absorbing the quiet beauty and timelessness of the environment for a bit, a simple joy started to emerge: an appreciation for all the details; the moss, the intricate arrangements of everything, the simple pairings of natural and human-made; and also the suspension of Time: the opposite of the instant gratification that is so handy and available most of the time. The pleasure in waiting entire minutes for a bamboo water feature to fill up, slowly rotate to release its load, and begin the process again. It's cliche, but something so comforting about being surrounded by simple, deliberate beauty that's not concerned with immediacy.

Also, our son enjoyed the fish, but imagined what it would be like if they lived in saltwater and he was a shark in there with them.

What would you do?
I asked.

Well.
he said.
If I was a shark, then sharks aren't vegetarian so I'd probably try to eat them.

Total tranquility. Until the beasts rise up to devour us all.

“Today was a very cold and bitter day, as cold and bitter as a cup of hot chocolate, if the cup of hot chocolate had vinegar added to it and were placed in a refrigerator for several hours.”

― Lemony Snicket

Thank goodness for hot chocolate that's warm, and vinegar-free, and comes with two straws. Happy Feb, universe

*one of my favorite words and concepts

ARCHIMEDES SOLO.

HEY!
he shrieked, in a tone and decibel of excitement I imagine myself using if I randomly stumbled across a thousand dollar bill,

DID YOU KNOW THAT 'MILLENNIUM FALCON' IS HALF-NAMED AFTER PEREGRINE FALCONS??!!

No.
I said quietly.
I didn't.

Now I do.

Discoveries are almost as good as inventions, and sometimes better.

QUESTION: ARCTIC OR ANTARCTIC?

I ask, not only because of the inclement weather in the Pacific Northwest today, but because I have been listening to a great deal of Polar Bear and GoGo Penguins; two fabulous (instrumental) ensembles melding together flavors of sound and genres together in interesting ways dipping into jazz, classical, and electronic.

And, of course, ne'er shall polar bears and penguins ever meet outside of a zoo, as they represent their respective Poles. So, are you a North Poler or a South Poler?

Stay warm, friends and others

[might I suggest sampling GGP's Kamaloka or One Percent and PB's Be Free or Lost in Death, Pt. 2?]

FIVE THINGS I THINK ARE INCREDIBLY COOL TODAY.

1a. Eleanor & Park. Read on the heels of my wife's finishing it. An utterly unique teenage love story set in the 1980s between two bus riding, comic book reading, music obsessed opposites who trip into like and then love and experience all the hurdles and complications that go along with trying to make things work. Hilarious, brutal, sweet, poignant, thought-provoking, unforgettable. Thanks Countess - and for the original recommend from our favourite library assistant 
Nice writing & reading, Rainbow Rowell.

1b. Dr. Seuss's The Sneetches. Like many of his, such a whimsical and powerful story, this time about fitting in, keeping up with the Joneses, and looking on the inside...but the recurring question is regarding the ethical motivation of Sylvester McMonkey McBean. He helps them learn a valuable lesson...and he also takes off with all their money. So is he a humanistic capitalist taking advantage of an opportunity to mutually benefit multiple parties; one of those parties being himself? Or is he a Barnum-esque rogue out for a scam and a buck? Or is he a deeper villain than I give him credit for and any benefit he brought to the Sneetches was merely tertiary and incidental?
I don't know, and I probably kept our son up too late reading this at bedtime and trying to figure out an answer. He's not sure either.

2. Old motorcycles with sidecars.

3. Minotaurs. I have told the children the tale of Theseus and Ariadne so many times, but it never gets old. I've actually written my own modernistic neo-magical realistic interpretation of it.

4. Watching people share food with their pets. I realise what I'm about to say will probably be offensive to some, but I'm going to plow ahead anyway and get this out: I think it's gross to share food back and forth with most animals. I've seen one too many four-leggeds drinking out of a toilet, or eating other creatures' fecal matter* (or their own) to like the idea of sharing my food with a living being whose ideas about personal hygiene are different than mine. Do I eat sloppy seconds off my children's slobber-infested, mashed-up mess of a plate on occasion? Yes. And that's probably gross to some** of you, and also allows you to screech at my hypocrisy. So be it.
But In the same sense that I enjoy watching other people do dangerous things that I have no intention of actually doing, I also enjoy watching (in this particular case) a ripped t-shirt man stand outside his truck window and swap licks of a Popsicle with his dog. Who, in fairness to him***, appeared to have a greater interest in bathing than his owner. Far be it from me to judge.****
Please don't unfriendly me over this. If there is something I'm completely missing about this scenario then let me know.

5a. Chevelle. The Chicago triad of brothers I used to listen to a decade ago but somehow slipped off my radar and are now way back on it. Heavy, experimental but melodic, feels like they picked up where Tool was a while back and kept on trying stuff out, but with a slightly less nihilistic worldview. Why not jump into them with a listen to one of their hits a while back? : The Red. A worthy companion to Jimmy Eat World's The Middle.

5b. Wanting hot weather, and then actually enjoying it when it does get hot instead of grumbling about how it's too hot. I think it's cool to be happy about something you've wished for. If you've never wished for hot weather while we're stuck in the middle of winter, then you're absolved. But if you've grumbled about the cold, and wanted it to get hot, and then when it gets hot, you grumble about the heat, well, that probably represents some sort of karmic dissatisfaction with life that you should figure out. Or else just buy one of those hats with a battery powered fan on it.
Mazel tov.
____

*poop
**all?
***her?
****sorry, am judging heavily

FIVE THOUGHTS ABOUT OUR SON AS HE SAYS AU REVOIR TO THREE.

1. BOY, INTERRUPTS.
I was driving along, beloved Magnetic Fields playing medium volume, my daughter humming along in the back, when she asked:

Who is this again?

Magnetic Fields. He's kind of friends with Lemony Snicket.
I said.
All My Little Words. I love this song so much.

Yeah.
she said.
Me too.

The shared moment was broken by the irked voice of our son from the next car seat over:

Will you guys STOP TALKING! I can't hear the music! Will you PLEASE START THE SONG OVER!

Thank you for saying please.
I said,
and complied, because I have a soft spot for people who deeply love music.

"You are a splendid butterfly /
It is your wings that make you beautiful"

We listened again, and then again, in silence. Except for my daughter's quiet humming, which we were okay with.

2a. YES, PART I?

Can a dragon make a snake melt?

he asked.

Someday, perhaps we'll see a mashup of Reign of Fire and Anaconda and find out.

2b. YES, PART II?

Can Jesus see us when he's invisible?

he asked.

I think so.
I said, sort of confidently.

3. BEYOND BAD AND EVIL.

We were building a fort, and he decided to expand vertically.

I'm building a dungeon,
he announced.
It's where the prisoners will go. Darth
Vader will go down there because he's bad. Darth Maul will go down there too because he's evil.

Oh.
I said. 
What is the difference between bad and evil?

Well,
he thought quickly, deliberately.
Darth Vader is bad because he's good at first, but then he turns bad but then he turns good before he dies so he's just bad. Darth Maul is evil. He's really evil.

Oh. 
I said.
What is the difference?

Darth Maul,
he said.
Is really really bad and he doesn't turn good, so he's evil.

Oh.
I said.
That is one of the best sermons I've ever heard. Thank you.

Oh.
he mumbled.
I'm building a dungeon.

4. BACK TO THE BASICS.

What is fourteen billion, three thousand and sixty-three times zero?
I asked him.

Umm...four?
he estimated with confidence.

Nope.
I said, watching as his ever-present advisor whispered in his ear. He looked up after she left.

I MEANT to say,
(he said).
Zero. 

Yes.
I said.
I think that is correct.

5. PARTISAN.

Why are we listening to music?
he asked.

Because it's important.
I said, absent-mindedly.

Actually it's not,
he said, trying to get a reaction.
Music is not important to me.

He got the reaction.
Oh yes it is.
I said.
Music is important in this family.

Well.
he said.
I don't like Leonard Cohen. I don't like him at all.

As a matter of fact.
I said.
You do. In this family, it is mandatory that if you're three years old, you have to like Leonard Cohen.

Well,
he said.
I don't like Leonard Cohen. I hope that he eats a lot of chocolate and that it makes him sick.

That is not very kind.
I said.

Oh.
he said.
I might like him if he played a tuba.

5. GOOD NIGHT, CHILDHOOD.

I love you kid.
I said.

I'm not a kid.
he said.
I'm an adult.

You are?

Yeah.
he said matter-of-factly.
I'm important.

How do you know?
I asked.

Well,
he said.
When you lift me up, you can tell that I'm tough and important.

Oh.
I said.
What makes someone important?

He answered without hesitation.
When they can go poop in a potty. That's when someone is important.

You know what kid?
I said.
Believe me, I knew you before you were pooping in a toilet, and guess what?

What?
he said.

Even when you were pooping in a diaper, 
I said.
And sometimes in between diapers...you were important. 

Yeah.
he said, shrugging.
Now I go potty in the toilet, except sometimes I pee outside by a tree.

Yeah.
I said.
That's true. 

Are you important?
he asked.

I hope so.
I said.

5. UPTON.

Can we please go to the jungle today?
he asked.

No,
I said.

Well,
he said.
Can we go to Canada then?

No.
I said.

Well,
he said.
It's good to go Canada, and they have a good playground there.

How do you know that?
I asked.

Because.
he said.
Uncle Jeremy told me.

5b. TRAFFIC MONOLOGUE.

Why is it taking so long to get there?! 
he cried out in despair.
Why is that truck in front of us going so slow? It's taking like for an hour to get there! I wish that truck was broken! I wish I could chop it into pieces with a battle axe!

That,
I said.
Does not sound extraordinarily kind or sensible to me.

Oh.
he said.
Well I wish ice cream was on the truck, and I wish I had a big bowl of ice cream to eat.

Yep.
I said.
Me too.

5b. A SNEAK PEEK INTO TWENTY QUESTIONS WITH US.

I've got it.
he says.

Okay.
I say.
Is it an animal?

Yep.
he says.
And it lives in the sea.

Okay.
I say.
You don't NEED to give us any clues. Just answer Yes or No to the questions we're asking, okay?

Okay.
he says.
But it also doesn't have fur.

Alright.
I sigh.
Is it a member of the whale family?

Umm...
he thinks deeply, perhaps too deeply, and finally remembers. Or decides.
Yep. It is a whale.

Nice!
I say.
I got it! Just out of curiosity, is it a gray whale?

No.
he says.
Its colour is blue.

Again,
I remind him.
You can just answer Yes or No.

Okay,
he nods vigorously.
I'll go again. Okay...got it!

Okay.
I say.
Does it...have fur?

Umm...yep.
he decides.
It does have fur. And it lives in the water and is bigger than a horse.
____

When he was born almost exactly four years ago, I wanted to totally love him right away, but we had such a great little triad going before he was around and it was hard to conceive how someone else could jump into that and make it any better. Well, he did. His personality, loyalty, infectious affection, and enthusiasm for conversation, hard play, tough questions, and joyous living just carved himself out an irreplaceable place in our family to the extent that it's challenging to remember how he once, not long ago, was not actually a part of us. 

Man, I dig this kid. The best people often, I think, are the ones that just help you become a better and more interesting person just by their involvement and presence in your life, and by that metric - or any - this lad has just helped light up our lives in so many ways. And made the people around him better people.
Here's to you, kid. To decades more of fantastical conversations and Princess Bride-quoting swordfights.

I AM (NOT) THE WALRUS.

- Good morning!
I said. And asked the same question I ask every morning:
- What did you dream about?

- Nothing,
he said; mind moving to other matters more important.

I am persistent.
- You didn't dream about anything? 

- No, not really.
He said, brushing me off.

I am not easily brushable.
- How about telling me ONE tiny thing you dreamed about?
I asked.

He started in first gear and effortlessly upshifted to sixth:
- I dreamed about a walrus and it was evil. No, actually it was just bad. He had a knife and he didn't really have a name. I was swordfighting him with a broadsword and his eyes were glowing. He did not have his blood out or his bones out and then I was knifefighting him, and we did not become friends. I won.

- Oh.
I said.
Nice dream. 

____

(Buried in here are the names of two songs by two of the greatest bands ever. One is very obvious, one is slightly less so. What are they?)

I guess technically there's a bunch of one-word titles, like Friends. Not it though.

FIVE TIMES I HAVE SAID 'NO' IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, PLUS A CULKIN.

1. No, your rocking horse can't take you to Russia. It's not a real horse.

2. No, I don't feel like painting you a picture of a shark that's eating my head.

(More on that later, and the vengeance they wreaked after I spurned their request.)

3. No, you can't sleep up in your sister's bunk bed tonight.

("But he can sleep between me and the wall so he doesn't fall off!")

Umm....good idea. But...no.

Saddest sight ever as one of them slowly trudged up the ladder and the other forlornly dragged his feet and lonely blanket to his lowly and undangerous bed. Lest you feel to sorrowful, don't worry: they met up in our room around 3am.

4. No, just because you're cold doesn't mean I'm going to let you eat breakfast in the bath.

5. No, I know it's a cool movie poster, but you are not watching Jaws. We need to get you into swim lessons first.
____

I am so mean.

HONORARY CULKIN.
My daughter's vehement explanation for why her little brother should be allowed to sleep on the bunk bed with her:

"But Daddy, Uncle Jeremy said it was okay! Please!!!"

For a little bit,
I said, knowing in my heart that I'm still totally in charge and it was not a win for the bullying gang composed of our children and my youngest brother.

He also suggested, while on speakerphone, that there was "...plenty of time to play one-to-four rounds of memory game before bedtime." I hung up on him before he got around to discussing ice cream.


They think he is just King Cool, but the fact is, he's not. He's simply a musician living in L.A. who gives terrible advice to his niece and nephew. 

A PARTIAL LIST OF THE TEXT MESSAGES MY WIFE HAS SENT ME TODAY THAT MIGHT BE DISCOVERED IN A MILLENNIA.

1. Have a good day. You are rad. I like you.

2. Oh, and you're hot.

3. You're stylish. And weird. Good weird. 

4. You are not ugly. 

(My reply: Thank you. I am glad you are not covered in warts. You are actually kind of pretty.)

5. I wouldn't trade you for a thousand sea slugs. 
____

A thousand years from now, my hope is that there will be some digital forensic cultural anthropologists who will stumble upon our communiques across various media and judge the totality of the human race and its relationships with each other based on what they find of us, and perhaps be puzzled, but know there was love. You're welcome, fellow homo sapiens* now, and in the far future.

*or others

FIVE QUERIES BY MY SON THAT ONCE AGAIN PROVE THAT THE IMPORTANT PART IS USUALLY THE QUESTION; A LESSON ADULTS OUGHT TO REMEMBER.

1. "What is bigger: a light saber, or the whole wide world?
2. What is sharper: a wolverine's claw, or a grasshopper?
3. What is longer: a board or a drill?
4. What can fly better: a grasshopper or Spider-man?
5. What is faster: Luke Skywalker or a frog?

Oh, he is his father's son.

GARY LARSON.

Daddy,
he said.
There are a lot of worms around here, but you have to be careful when you pick them out of the dirt so you don't accidentally pull off their tails.

- Okay pal,
I said.
Thanks for the heads-up. And just how do you know this?

He looked up; the world weariness of those who have seen much and remember what they want to forget, and then looked away; we stood silently as the breeze wheezed past and a herd of orphan worms tunneled inches beneath our feet. 

I'm sorry.
He whispered. 
It was a accident.

FRAME THE QUESTION CORRECTLY, AND YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE A GOOD ANSWER.

Daddy,
my son asked.
What do you think is bigger: an alligator or a cow?

What an excellent query,
I said.
I suppose it depends what the metric for measurement is. Are we talking weight, or height, or length?...

I don't know.
He said.
I think that a horse is bigger.

AGREE TO DISAGREE.

Daddy,

my son asked.

Do you like to have worms in the house?

- No.

I said.

Not really.

Oh.

He said.

I do. Because they're so cute.


PORTRAIT OF AMERICAN LIVING ROOM.