MY WIFE AND WILLIAM WALLACE.

Oh no, are you gonna make it?
she murmured,

and bent over, in the downpour as we enjoyed a wet walk, to retrieve a baby worm in the middle of the road.

There you go,
she said, as she gently moved him* to safety in the bushes.

This precious baby worm will likely be eaten by an aggressive and starving baby bird soon, but its death will mean something greater, as opposed to ignominiously getting run over by a truck.

A few more hours of life and the opportunity to die a hero's death later in the day. Because of one person. One woman. My wife.

Our children are so lucky to be raised by this human. Countess Becca, I still like you very much most of the time and am honored to be alongside to document your greatness. I don't know if you're the best, because I haven't met everyone in the world, but you're definitely pretty good. Thanks for being you. The world is brighter and certainly much more fun in the areas you inhabit.



*her?


___


Dear Mom,

Thank you for passing along your love of people, stories, music, and adventure to me and all your children. You make the universe glow brighter every single day. Love ya!

Joseph.


___


Dear Vicki,

Thanks for being a wonderful mom, mama-i-l, grandma, killa cook and baker, and fun human being, love ya lots V!

Joseph.


___


Dear Jeffrey,

So many of my favourite people to celebrate today...yes sir, you are in good company, and so are they. You're a gem, Jeffrey, hope today's been dandy all the way around and that at least a sliver of it got saved for some super special JT birthday singsonging and such. Incidentally, it just struck me that we have known each other for nineteen years now. Whoa. Thanks for being you and I demand you continue doing so for many years to come. All the best, Jeffrey, happy birthday!

Guiseppe.

MOTHER'S DAY 2014

Sometimes when I was younger, I would worry that my mom might forget about me, or lose me, and that is why I developed an interest in creating systems and processes that solve recurring problems such as this, as illustrated here. The genius of my system has been validated in the decades since, as my mom has rarely forgotten about me, and has always gotten my back, although she's not strong enough anymore to carry me around anymore in a backpack, which is sad and makes me question her physical endurance. 

Mom, there are so many liars out there today that I don't want to compete with, so I'm going to avoid using the B-word and just say: thanks for not merely teaching your kids how to win at games other people have invented, but to create our own games, thus perpetually ensuring success. I still wish you would have taught me how to win at basketball though, because it would feel good to be the best basketball player in the world, and I'm not, so that's definitely an area where you could have done better. Aside from that, you have performed competently, with flashes of magnificence, and in many ways, you remind me of a really good mom, and actually you are. Thanks, and we've got your back too. HMD.

MOTHER'S DAY.

MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 1For a special beginning to Mother's Day, I let Becca get up really early and play cards with our daughter. I just let them have some time to themselves, and stayed out of the way, in bed. They'll always have that memory.

You're welcome, Dear. More to come.


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 2How cool is your Mother-in-Law?

Well, did she go see Tarantino's Kill Bill with you opening weekend?

Yep. Beat that.


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 3
For a special treat today, I am playing some Christmas music for my wife.

Frosty the Snowman is such an underrated Mother's Day song.


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 4I do not remember my birth very well. Apparently my mom was there.

She was not on Facebook, so I guess she must have been busy. Thanks Mama. I would be a very different person if you had never existed. I am glad you exist.


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 5One of Becca's greatest inventions as a mom has been "Magga Coffee."

It is made like this:

1. Warm up a mug of almond* milk.
2. Stir in a teaspoon of molasses.
3. Name it after one of your children.
4. Voila. Now your kids can drink "coffee" with you.

Brilliant. One of many brilliant moments. You are a brilliant eccentric, Countess Becca.

MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 6Once, when my little brother* was a kid, he woke up during the night and had to go to the bathroom. Somehow in his groggy slumber, he peed in the hamper.

What did my mom do in the morning?

She laughed, and said thank goodness it's just pee.

Probably some sort of moral lesson in there. I have no idea what.

*me


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 7I remember watching a woman scream and berate her child publicly in the parking lot, and now I want so much to find her on Facebook and say:

"I'm glad you're not my mom."

I might have a license plate number jotted down somewhere. But my mom raised me to not be mean, so I will stop looking for her.

Thanks for not being mean, Mom.


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 8One of the most concrete bits of relationship advice I have is this: find someone with a Mother-in-Law who finds Walter the Farting Dog books funny, and who is not afraid to laugh out loud, very loud.

That's what I did, and trust me, your life will be good if you follow this one piece of advice. If your prospective M-i-L doesn't like the Walter series, or finds it beneath her, that is cause for suspicion, and possibly a dealbreaker.


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 9A decade or so ago, we went on our first official date: a 36-hour Greyhound bus trip. The trip got better and better, and she kissed me, and I knew I would marry her.

And I knew she would keep getting better and better, and we would have Littles, and we did and she has and she is more delicious and fun than ever, and I fully expect the trend to continue.

Thanks, Dear. You are rad, and I like listening to loud music with you. And the children that are ours; their names escape me at the moment.


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 10One time, my Mom watched G.I. Joe with me. The old television program. It is a memory. Also, it is the only time I ever watched G.I. Joe. So I always associate my Mom with G.I. Joe. I imagine it might be a little like watching a Michael Bay movie with Martin Scorcese sitting next to you: it would be hard to fully enjoy it. So I guess if my mom had not taken those 23 minutes to sit down with me and watch G.I. Joe, I would have watched it by myself, and completely fallen in love with the program if I hadn't had the dampening proximity of my Mom's "we love people, we don't shoot them" message next to me. If I had continued to watch G.I. Joe, I most certainly would have been influenced by the show to go into a Special Forces unit, and there is almost undoubtedly the high possibility that I would currently be embedded in a Black Ops unit deep inside Eastern Europe.

And instead of a family, I would have an AR-15 and a bunch of face paint.

So thanks Mom, for watching G.I. Joe with me. Those little things matter. I guess the moral is, parents: watch television with your children.


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 11 (last one)Stevie Wonder's "I Believe (When I Fall in Love It Will Be Forever)" is from his 1972 album Talking Book, but surprisingly I didn't hear it until 2001, when Becca, in between card games, told me that I HAD to see this one film:

High Fidelity.

About an existentialist music geek and his narcissistic relationship woes. We watched it, and I fell in love with it too even though it dissed on Belle & Sebastian, and she got me the soundtrack, and every single song was exceptional.

Including Stevie's "I Believe." One of the great love songs.

I am so glad to be with someone who gets excited about new experiences, who delights in people, who has dragged the best characteristics of me into the sunlight, and who creates beautiful, spirited children who will always be a step behind their Mom in the mischief department.

Thank you for being you, and for liking me to be me, Countess. Happy Mum's Day. We should go to the Walla Walla Balloon Stampede next year. Also, we have never seen Stevie Wonder in concert. Maybe he will do a tour with Glen Hansard. Shall we watch Grimm now? Or Downton Abbey? Or, we could make some chocolate caramel truffles now. We have never done that, but I hope we do before forever ends. I am hungry.

Stevie Wonder

I Believe (When I Fall in Love It Will Be Forever)

Talking Book

1972