I'm back again.
I said to the scruffy late 20-something fellow at Emissions Testing as we drove up and pulled to a stop.
How's it going?
Oh yeah, I remember you from last week.
he said.
You going to pass this time?
Yep.
I said.
No more 'check engine' light. How was Christmas - if I remember, you were going to spend it with your...sister and parents?
Yeah,
he said.
I live with my parents, but only so I can pay them rent. If I didn't pay rent, they'd be out on the street, homeless again. So I pay rent, and they can pay down their debt.
That's pretty cool.
I said.
I hope you got some extra big hugs from them this year on Christmas.
He laughed.
I just don't want them sleeping in their car again. And I got what I wanted for Christmas, so I'm good.
Oh yeah?
I said.
What's that?
Air brush.
he said.
Are you into art?
I asked.
No!
he shook his head.
It's for AirSoft. You know AirSoft? Similar to paintball.
Okay.
I said.
Yeah, I've gone paintballing a couple times. I know what paintball is.
AirSoft is similar to paintball, except you're basically shooting BBs, and our guns are full-size equivalents to the real thing. We play on this 300-acre field and it's intense. My old team won nationals four times, but then everyone kind of, you know, drifted apart with families and kids and stuff.
So I have a new team now. We're still about a year out from being fully ready.
Sounds fun.
I said.
Oh yeah,
he said.
It's addicting.
(he went into a list of gear and accessories that I wasn't able to completely keep track of, until he got to the last)
...and I've got a GoPro strapped to my head to get everything.
Right on!
I said.
Well,
he said, checking his instruments and papers.
Looks like you pass this time through.
Nice.
I said.
Are you doing anything fun for New Year's Eve?
Nah.
he said.
I don't party much anymore. Not my thing, except when we're camping at AirSoft tournaments.
Well,
I said.
Whatever you end up doing...happy New Year'!
Yep, you too.
he grinned,
and we drove off in our freshly-DEQ passed vehicle.
Happy New Year's, all!
Showing posts with label 2014. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2014. Show all posts
12.30.2014
IN WHICH FOOTBALL IS REVEALED TO BE POINTLESS (POOR THING).
"I don't understand why people like watching football so much. It's just a bunch of people trying to get a ball from one place to somewhere else."
- our daughter, who is forced to watch somewhere between one and two football matches a year, including the Super Bowl.
____
- our daughter, who is forced to watch somewhere between one and two football matches a year, including the Super Bowl.
____
12.28.2014
12.25.2014
IN WHICH WE LOOK AT THE CALENDAR (MAGI (THE GIFT OF NO PERIODONTAL DISEASE)).
Last night - Christmas Eve - my wife looked up and said: where's the floss?
I am not the foremost dental hygiene expert in the family, but I looked very hard for our floss for almost five seconds.
Never mind.
she said.
And pulled down my stocking.
What are you doing?
I asked.
She pulled a small package out of it.
Merry Christmas,
she said,
as she began opening it.
Isn't that my present?
I asked reasonably.
Yes.
she said.
It's from me. It's floss. Merry Christmas.
Oh.
I said.
Uhh, thanks! I, I, I...love it!
Sure.
she said, ripping a length off and tossing the rest to me.
There you go. Floss.
I did. Christmas flossing duet. And that is how our many years and holiday seasons have gone: lots of little weird surprises along with a lot of looking out for each other.
Thank you for the lovely little present, Becca, and maybe next year I can unwrap it myself. Until then...floss on. And Merry, jolly, joyeaux Noel to you, world. You should start flossing if you don't already. It might save your life someday, or at least help you escape from a tall tower with a tiny window if you need to build a semi-dangerous DIY rope ladder on the quick. I guess the important thing to take from this is that you should never go anywhere without a canister of floss, and also if you love people, give them presents you would like yourself, like my wife did. Merry Christmas.
12.24.2014
IN WHICH WE DO OUR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING ON CHRISTMAS EVE (RIGHT ON SCHEDULE).
It's Christmas Eve, which means...
...it's time to start wrapping presents.
Feliz, all!
FAMOUS BLUE WINTERCOAT.
 |
| My son and Leonard Cohen |
But when I saw this poster of our son's nemesis,
I couldn't pass up the opportunity.
"Hey buddy,"
I said casually, hoping he wouldn't get a glimpse of what was behind him before I had time to snap.
"Go ahead and stand right..there - okay, move over a couple inches, alright? And..snap. Got it. Look what's behind you!"
He turned around.
"Is that...Leonard Cohen?"
he asked, recognition slowly dawning.
"Yep."
I said proudly.
"And now you have a picture with him! Ha!"
"Well,"
he said, smiling furiously
"I still don't really like Leonard Cohen at all."
"Well,"
I said.
"This picture says otherwise."
And we walked off down the sidewalk together; one of us so proud of himself.
____
12.23.2014
HOW TO ASK WONDERFUL QUESTIONS AND HOW TO ANSWER THE DIFFICULT ONES.
Daddy?
he asked.
If I make a play about Star Wars, I think you should play Jabba the Hutt. Do you think that's a good idea?
Umm...
I said.
If you feel I would be a good fit for the part...
Yep.
he said emphatically.
And who would you rather have be your dad: Yoda or Mr. Miyagi?
Well,
I said.
That is an incredible one-two punch of questions you just asked. Let me process those and get back to you.
Okay.
he said.
If I had to choose, I would choose both.
he asked.
If I make a play about Star Wars, I think you should play Jabba the Hutt. Do you think that's a good idea?
Umm...
I said.
If you feel I would be a good fit for the part...
Yep.
he said emphatically.
And who would you rather have be your dad: Yoda or Mr. Miyagi?
Well,
I said.
That is an incredible one-two punch of questions you just asked. Let me process those and get back to you.
Okay.
he said.
If I had to choose, I would choose both.
12.22.2014
ARCHIMEDES SOLO.
HEY!
he shrieked, in a tone and decibel of excitement I imagine myself using if I randomly stumbled across a thousand dollar bill,
DID YOU KNOW THAT 'MILLENNIUM FALCON' IS HALF-NAMED AFTER PEREGRINE FALCONS??!!
No.
I said quietly.
I didn't.
Now I do.
Discoveries are almost as good as inventions, and sometimes better.
he shrieked, in a tone and decibel of excitement I imagine myself using if I randomly stumbled across a thousand dollar bill,
DID YOU KNOW THAT 'MILLENNIUM FALCON' IS HALF-NAMED AFTER PEREGRINE FALCONS??!!
No.
I said quietly.
I didn't.
Now I do.
Discoveries are almost as good as inventions, and sometimes better.
12.19.2014
IN WHICH WE SHAMELESSLY PLUG FLY VIEW AERIAL (OKINAWA ROUNDTRIP?).
"I will only do karate lessons if Mr. Miyagi can be my teacher."
- our daughter
____
- our daughter
____
12.14.2014
IN WHICH WE CRASH (BECAUSE THE CHILDREN).
My wife and I exited the grocery store and met up, having checked out separately. Turns out we inadvertently had each bought a selection of bagels. The exact same kind and quantity from the bakery.
EXCEPT...one of us paid twenty cents LESS than the other for the IDENTICAL bagels. In case you're wondering...
...it was me. Some of us just like to pay that extra bit of attention to detail when checking out, and knowing how important it is to be aware of those things, I truly gave my full attention at checkout. Pennies today, our children's future college tuition tomorrow. I know it's so unfashionable to say, but I really think that children are our future, or at least should be involved in it a little. And I know I'm going to take a lot of heat for saying this, but I also think that education is important. So when I look at a bagel, I don't just see a delicious mobile breakfast option with 650 empty calories; I see our children's future, and I am so happy - in a totally smug way - that I was able to invest twenty cents in our children's future this evening.
My hope is that by setting this example, we can help those close to us realise the value of inspecting prices and receipts carefully, and, in a butterflyish-effecty kind of way, truly change the world. Because - and criticize me all you want for saying this - I believe in a better world for everyone. I stand by that.
And that is why I will eat my bagel in a socially-conscious way tomorrow, knowing that I have done my part. And in a beautiful world...someday, SOMEDAY, perhaps all of us can look in the mirror and speak those words aloud to ourselves. I am investing in the children's future, twenty cents at a time.
But tonight, I'm the only one that gets to do that. You're welcome, children. Love you, Becca Nutter Long.
____
EXCEPT...one of us paid twenty cents LESS than the other for the IDENTICAL bagels. In case you're wondering...
...it was me. Some of us just like to pay that extra bit of attention to detail when checking out, and knowing how important it is to be aware of those things, I truly gave my full attention at checkout. Pennies today, our children's future college tuition tomorrow. I know it's so unfashionable to say, but I really think that children are our future, or at least should be involved in it a little. And I know I'm going to take a lot of heat for saying this, but I also think that education is important. So when I look at a bagel, I don't just see a delicious mobile breakfast option with 650 empty calories; I see our children's future, and I am so happy - in a totally smug way - that I was able to invest twenty cents in our children's future this evening.
My hope is that by setting this example, we can help those close to us realise the value of inspecting prices and receipts carefully, and, in a butterflyish-effecty kind of way, truly change the world. Because - and criticize me all you want for saying this - I believe in a better world for everyone. I stand by that.
And that is why I will eat my bagel in a socially-conscious way tomorrow, knowing that I have done my part. And in a beautiful world...someday, SOMEDAY, perhaps all of us can look in the mirror and speak those words aloud to ourselves. I am investing in the children's future, twenty cents at a time.
But tonight, I'm the only one that gets to do that. You're welcome, children. Love you, Becca Nutter Long.
____
12.13.2014
IN WHICH OUR PIONEERING SOULS SEARCH FOR THE CHRISTMAS SPIRITS.
His sister found us a prime piece of real estate overlooking Pioneer Square to watch the Christmas Tuba Concert.
As people crowded in and swarmed around, he pulled out paper and pen,
and began frenetically designing signs & posters;
the most memorable of which said the following,* printed in bold letters:
"Give Me Money"
As he held up the sign, and waved it around, I shook my head,
simultaneously impressed with the bold entrepreneurial spirit...
...and trying desperately not to make eye contact with anyone.
The tubas were great. Don't miss it next year, Northwest peeps.
____
*assisted with the spelling by his collaborative partner & sister
____
12.12.2014
IN WHICH WE ARRIVE HOME LATE, AND THAT'S THE KIND OF HELPFUL I AM.
So...
the truck salesman asked my dad.
...what kind of extra options are important to you?
I jumped in, just to help my Pop out and show off my helpfulness.
I think,
I said,
that it would be pretty cool to have a rearview mirror.
And I realised a short while later that the salesman did not, in fact, find me very helpful. So, disappointing. But honestly, rear view mirrors are so important, and you can hang cool things from them.
the truck salesman asked my dad.
...what kind of extra options are important to you?
I jumped in, just to help my Pop out and show off my helpfulness.
I think,
I said,
that it would be pretty cool to have a rearview mirror.
And I realised a short while later that the salesman did not, in fact, find me very helpful. So, disappointing. But honestly, rear view mirrors are so important, and you can hang cool things from them.
12.10.2014
IN WHICH WE PLAY PIANO, AND ALSO EMBARK ON A TOTALITARIANISTIC OP-ED..
"I like Dutch Brothers way more than cigar stores. I wish I knew how to spell "no tobacco allowed" on cigarette places."
- a four-year old boy
____
I am having such a hard time deciding whether my favourite word to say today is Totalitarianism or Maharajah. They both just have such a beautiful syllabic cadence.
On a side note, I don't think anyone has ever used the word "totalitarianism" in a song better than Nick Cave.
On a sider note, I got to have a good mini-conversation about George Orwell today, which makes any day better.
On a sidest note, I got to lecture about and break down Ridley Scott's iconic 1984 Apple commercial. Which makes any day better.
I think I'll just go with Tea-Totaling Totalitarian Maharajah.
Happy day, world.
____
- a four-year old boy
____
I am having such a hard time deciding whether my favourite word to say today is Totalitarianism or Maharajah. They both just have such a beautiful syllabic cadence.
On a side note, I don't think anyone has ever used the word "totalitarianism" in a song better than Nick Cave.
On a sider note, I got to have a good mini-conversation about George Orwell today, which makes any day better.
On a sidest note, I got to lecture about and break down Ridley Scott's iconic 1984 Apple commercial. Which makes any day better.
I think I'll just go with Tea-Totaling Totalitarian Maharajah.
Happy day, world.
____
12.04.2014
CONVERSATIONS. this is not up for a vote.
My phone rang.
I answered.
The voice was male; the practiced familiarity of an old friend calling to check in. But of course, it wasn't an old friend, it was a stranger calling to talk to me about an investment opportunity.
(Please don't ask why I didn't hang up immediately; I don't have a good answer, except that I have an ongoing interest in the psychology of how Person A tries to get something from Person B. With me being Person B in this scenario.)
Is this Joe Long?
he asked.
I prefer Joseph.
I said nicely.
Yes, this is Joseph Long.
Well Joe,
he said.
Are you familiar with Office Depot? Trading for around six dollars a share currently?
Yep.
I said.
Thing is, Joe,
he said -
- I paused him for a second.
It's JOSEPH.
He didn't pause; he fast-forwarded slowly; plowing ahead into how difficult it is for anyone to actually analyze the market - other than Morgan Stanley OR his company.
Now Joe,
he finally came up for breath.
Would you say this sounds like a great opportunity?
I don't know.
I said.
I always do due diligence before investing in anything. So I can't say it sounds like a great opportunity until I've looked things over.
What sort of things do you think you need to look over?
he said.
I look at a company's historical performance, annual reports, industry outlook, P/E ratios...look at some numbers, get an idea of where they've been, where they're going, and what they represent.
I said.
Stuff like that.
Well here's the thing, Joe.
he said.
You're not an analyst, otherwise you'd be at Morgan Stanley making a bunch of money.
I have no desire to work at Morgan Stanley.
I said.
Those numbers and things you're talking about?
he said.
They really don't matter, Joe. You can't really learn anything from them unless you're an analyst, so that's where we can help.
It's JOSEPH.
I said.
And regardless of whether you find looking at those things helpful or not, I do. I'm not prepared to say whether or not it's a great opportunity. I haven't had anything in front of me to look at. Email me a link to your website and I might take a look.
Here's the thing, Joe.
he said.
We don't do the email game. We don't mess around with email, so -
- I interrupted.
Two things.
I said.
You don't "do the email game?" As opposed to the one hundred percent of Fortune 1000 companies that do, as well as, uhh, pretty much every Fortune-Anysize business you can think of?! And second: as I've told you several times: it's JOSEPH.
(I was completely unprepared for the most amazing display of...moxie to come. Arrogance? Blustering idiocy? The most mind blowing display of poor salesmanship I have heard this year as he responded:)
Well,
he said.
I prefer Joe.
(I think my demeanor is generally fairly congenial and even-toned, but my children looked up from what they were doing as I started laughing in disbelief and my voice shot up several decibels.)
Did you just tell me,
I said as he kept trying to talk over me.
Did you really just tell me that you prefer to call me "Joe" after I told you to call me "Joseph?"
I'm sure a lot of people call you Joe.
he said.
That,
I said.
is beside the point. I told YOU that my name is Joseph multiple times! And you have continued calling me Joe.
It sounds like you're getting very emotional about this.
he said.
Like it struck a nerve.
Struck a nerve?!
I said.
Uhh, yeah. You called me, wanting my time and attention, yet you have not shown the basic respect of simply LISTENING. I have asked you, then TOLD you to all me Joseph. And you have not respected that.
I'm sure a lot of people call you Joe when they meet you.
he argued.
Yes,
I said.
A lot of people do when they FIRST meet me. And when I tell them that it's JOSEPH, then that's what they call me.
I'm sure a lot of people still call you Joe after that.
he kept it up in a doomed attempt to convince me that people do not actually call me what they call me.*
No.
I said.
In fact, they do not. When I tell them I prefer Joseph, pretty much one hundred percent of people respect that wish, although you are dropping that percentage fast.
Well Joe,
he started in -
- YOU'RE STILL CALLING ME JOE!?
I yelled; my children watching in giddy entertainment.
It's just habit.
he said.
Yes.
I said.
Habit to not listen to what someone else is saying. Habit to not respect someone at the most basic level. Habit to have your ears tuned to the sound of your own voice.
It sounds like a big deal to you!
he said.
Here's the thing -
- Here's the thing,
I stated.
I'm going to help you learn a valuable life lesson today. I am going to hang up on you in a moment, and I want you to understand that you have lost a prospective client BECAUSE** you did not listen and because you did not show the most basic level of respect. I am hanging up now. Have a good day.
And I hung up.
And then we had a great little conversation with the children about Respect and standing your ground for things that are important. They listened attentively, but I kind of felt like a rock star for how awesome they thought I was after standing up for my name.
"I'm probably going to have trouble going to sleep tonight because I'll still be laughing so hard."
my daughter said.
Anyway. Peace, universe. Buy low, sell high, give it all away. Something like that Have a good one.
- Joe Long
____
*to those friends who have called me Joe for years: you're fine. I love you. And you can do that. But never, ever, not even once, have I introduced myself to someone new as "Joe."
**and maybe a few other reasons
I answered.
The voice was male; the practiced familiarity of an old friend calling to check in. But of course, it wasn't an old friend, it was a stranger calling to talk to me about an investment opportunity.
(Please don't ask why I didn't hang up immediately; I don't have a good answer, except that I have an ongoing interest in the psychology of how Person A tries to get something from Person B. With me being Person B in this scenario.)
Is this Joe Long?
he asked.
I prefer Joseph.
I said nicely.
Yes, this is Joseph Long.
Well Joe,
he said.
Are you familiar with Office Depot? Trading for around six dollars a share currently?
Yep.
I said.
Thing is, Joe,
he said -
- I paused him for a second.
It's JOSEPH.
He didn't pause; he fast-forwarded slowly; plowing ahead into how difficult it is for anyone to actually analyze the market - other than Morgan Stanley OR his company.
Now Joe,
he finally came up for breath.
Would you say this sounds like a great opportunity?
I don't know.
I said.
I always do due diligence before investing in anything. So I can't say it sounds like a great opportunity until I've looked things over.
What sort of things do you think you need to look over?
he said.
I look at a company's historical performance, annual reports, industry outlook, P/E ratios...look at some numbers, get an idea of where they've been, where they're going, and what they represent.
I said.
Stuff like that.
Well here's the thing, Joe.
he said.
You're not an analyst, otherwise you'd be at Morgan Stanley making a bunch of money.
I have no desire to work at Morgan Stanley.
I said.
Those numbers and things you're talking about?
he said.
They really don't matter, Joe. You can't really learn anything from them unless you're an analyst, so that's where we can help.
It's JOSEPH.
I said.
And regardless of whether you find looking at those things helpful or not, I do. I'm not prepared to say whether or not it's a great opportunity. I haven't had anything in front of me to look at. Email me a link to your website and I might take a look.
Here's the thing, Joe.
he said.
We don't do the email game. We don't mess around with email, so -
- I interrupted.
Two things.
I said.
You don't "do the email game?" As opposed to the one hundred percent of Fortune 1000 companies that do, as well as, uhh, pretty much every Fortune-Anysize business you can think of?! And second: as I've told you several times: it's JOSEPH.
(I was completely unprepared for the most amazing display of...moxie to come. Arrogance? Blustering idiocy? The most mind blowing display of poor salesmanship I have heard this year as he responded:)
Well,
he said.
I prefer Joe.
(I think my demeanor is generally fairly congenial and even-toned, but my children looked up from what they were doing as I started laughing in disbelief and my voice shot up several decibels.)
Did you just tell me,
I said as he kept trying to talk over me.
Did you really just tell me that you prefer to call me "Joe" after I told you to call me "Joseph?"
I'm sure a lot of people call you Joe.
he said.
That,
I said.
is beside the point. I told YOU that my name is Joseph multiple times! And you have continued calling me Joe.
It sounds like you're getting very emotional about this.
he said.
Like it struck a nerve.
Struck a nerve?!
I said.
Uhh, yeah. You called me, wanting my time and attention, yet you have not shown the basic respect of simply LISTENING. I have asked you, then TOLD you to all me Joseph. And you have not respected that.
I'm sure a lot of people call you Joe when they meet you.
he argued.
Yes,
I said.
A lot of people do when they FIRST meet me. And when I tell them that it's JOSEPH, then that's what they call me.
I'm sure a lot of people still call you Joe after that.
he kept it up in a doomed attempt to convince me that people do not actually call me what they call me.*
No.
I said.
In fact, they do not. When I tell them I prefer Joseph, pretty much one hundred percent of people respect that wish, although you are dropping that percentage fast.
Well Joe,
he started in -
- YOU'RE STILL CALLING ME JOE!?
I yelled; my children watching in giddy entertainment.
It's just habit.
he said.
Yes.
I said.
Habit to not listen to what someone else is saying. Habit to not respect someone at the most basic level. Habit to have your ears tuned to the sound of your own voice.
It sounds like a big deal to you!
he said.
Here's the thing -
- Here's the thing,
I stated.
I'm going to help you learn a valuable life lesson today. I am going to hang up on you in a moment, and I want you to understand that you have lost a prospective client BECAUSE** you did not listen and because you did not show the most basic level of respect. I am hanging up now. Have a good day.
And I hung up.
And then we had a great little conversation with the children about Respect and standing your ground for things that are important. They listened attentively, but I kind of felt like a rock star for how awesome they thought I was after standing up for my name.
"I'm probably going to have trouble going to sleep tonight because I'll still be laughing so hard."
my daughter said.
Anyway. Peace, universe. Buy low, sell high, give it all away. Something like that Have a good one.
- Joe Long
____
*to those friends who have called me Joe for years: you're fine. I love you. And you can do that. But never, ever, not even once, have I introduced myself to someone new as "Joe."
**and maybe a few other reasons
11.28.2014
ALMOST.
The wind almost hit my face like baby chainsaws, almost ripping the skin off; the air so dense with cold I could almost swallow it like oxygen porridge. I could almost hear the hyenas in the distance waiting for my warm body to freeze up so they could grab a late afternoon snack.
"Anyone wanna help me put up Christmas lights?"
I asked.
Yeah.
she said.
I'll come help.
And she did.
For the fourth year in a row.
Man, I almost like this human.
Also, this image is nowhere near any Christmas lights. It's near a beach. A beach that was cold, wet, and windy, and where we almost got dragged out to sea by force of the almost-gale force winds. Why this image then?
Because I said:
I'm going out for a stroll to see the seashore. Anyone wanna go?
I'll go.
she said.
And she did.
Man, I think I really do like this human.
More than almost.
____
thanks, Sasha Suzanne for the lovely hairstyling
11.27.2014
A MAN, A PEELER, A LEGEND.
Every once in a while, I imagine that there's somebody in the world faster than me at peeling potatoes. But then I realise that, realistically, no. Not a chance.
11.26.2014
FIVE EMERGENCY ROOM STATS YOU NEED TO KNOW, PLUS THREE BROTHERS.
NEWTON & O'CONNOR.
Everything that rises must converge,
and fall back to earth because of gravity.
Unless it doesn't,
in which case the intransigent laws of motion are being defied,
which is way cool, like falling snow reversing itself.
First of all, I'm fine. Or at least alive. I am also at the ER, where I have met some great people and gleaned some valuable stuff about good times to get hurt, and not.
1.
Don't get injured on Monday. Or Saturday. Especially not Saturday. Saturday makes sense, with all the weekend activities and recreational daring-do, but Monday seems to be a puzzling one to everyone I've spoken to. Why Mondays?
2.
MVA = motor vehicle accident. I'm always up for learning new acronyms.
Finger lac (hard c) = finger laceration.
3.
The big Thanksgiving injury around here is...finger lacs. Because of...
...those powered turkey carving knives. "We hate 'em." she said. "Don't use 'em."
Okay.
I said.
I'm vegetarian.
Oh!
she said.
Do you do tofurkey?
Then we had a great conversation about salads and a million ways to do 'em. Tip: turn them into rice bowls and don't be afraid to add chocolate sprinkles and whipped cream.
4.
The average wait time in U.S. Hospitals in the ER is 3 1/2 to four hours.
So,
she said.
If you get seen in less than two hours, consider yourself fortunate!
Yep.
I said.
And I will try to not schedule a visit for a Monday or Saturday.
5.
Currently there are:
- three two-person conversations happening
- one and a half people watching an episode of CSI: Miami.
- nine people doing stuff on their phones
- one person damaging their spine doing something on an iPad while standing up.
- one child playing in the kids area.
- one guy pacing around looking at people with a semi-intense look, but maybe he's just anxious for Thanksgiving so he can start cutting up those poor turkeys.
Don't use a power knife,
I whisper quietly.
Don't do it.
And somewhere in here, someone is possibly writing about me - "...and there's a fellow in a red tie and coffee-stained shirt talking to himself..."
O joyful week, world.
____
Everything that rises must converge,
and fall back to earth because of gravity.
Unless it doesn't,
in which case the intransigent laws of motion are being defied,
which is way cool, like falling snow reversing itself.
First of all, I'm fine. Or at least alive. I am also at the ER, where I have met some great people and gleaned some valuable stuff about good times to get hurt, and not.
1.
Don't get injured on Monday. Or Saturday. Especially not Saturday. Saturday makes sense, with all the weekend activities and recreational daring-do, but Monday seems to be a puzzling one to everyone I've spoken to. Why Mondays?
2.
MVA = motor vehicle accident. I'm always up for learning new acronyms.
Finger lac (hard c) = finger laceration.
3.
The big Thanksgiving injury around here is...finger lacs. Because of...
...those powered turkey carving knives. "We hate 'em." she said. "Don't use 'em."
Okay.
I said.
I'm vegetarian.
Oh!
she said.
Do you do tofurkey?
Then we had a great conversation about salads and a million ways to do 'em. Tip: turn them into rice bowls and don't be afraid to add chocolate sprinkles and whipped cream.
4.
The average wait time in U.S. Hospitals in the ER is 3 1/2 to four hours.
So,
she said.
If you get seen in less than two hours, consider yourself fortunate!
Yep.
I said.
And I will try to not schedule a visit for a Monday or Saturday.
5.
Currently there are:
- three two-person conversations happening
- one and a half people watching an episode of CSI: Miami.
- nine people doing stuff on their phones
- one person damaging their spine doing something on an iPad while standing up.
- one child playing in the kids area.
- one guy pacing around looking at people with a semi-intense look, but maybe he's just anxious for Thanksgiving so he can start cutting up those poor turkeys.
Don't use a power knife,
I whisper quietly.
Don't do it.
And somewhere in here, someone is possibly writing about me - "...and there's a fellow in a red tie and coffee-stained shirt talking to himself..."
O joyful week, world.
____
11.24.2014
A STORM(SHADOW) IS GATHERING.
There comes a time when you have to just let the last of your childhood (now vintage) G.I. Joe collection get played with and realise that just because it's probably worth four hundred thousand dollars* or so is no reason your children can't enjoy playing with them now too and inevitably pulling Hashro-quality rubber banded limbs from torsos (again, sorry Sgt. Slaughter). That time does come. I'm not sure when, but I'm sure it will come, or maybe not.
*my own rough estimate
*my own rough estimate
11.23.2014
GIANTS BE COOL, MAN.
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We frequently watch films in installments,
to stretch out the cinematic bliss. This weekend:
1993's Cool Runnings. The ebullient underdog sports tale falling into the sub-genre of "Jamaican Bobsled Teams Trying to Get Into the Olympics." Also, John Candy's last appearance. Loved that guy. On a jet, on a train, in a car, I will always enjoy his arena-size affability and humor.
One of my money moves as a remote control autocrat is to hit pause right at the height of a scene, such as right before we learn something super important, like if they're going to make the finals or not. My family loathes it, so it's also a good reminder that sometimes it's necessary to be the villain. Darth Vader is so much more interesting than Luke.
We'll watch ONE more scene!
I thundered.
Get it? Got it? Good! After that, it is BEDTIME. STRAIGHT TO BED. Clear? We clear?
Yes General Daddy Sir.
they said, straightfaced little angels in disguise.
The scene finished.
Fie, off to bed!
I shrieked.
But Daddy!
one said.
We didn't have a dance party like you said we would earlier this morning!
I shook my head. But, as Horton said, say what you mean and mean what you say, which is what I had said, and I try to obey my favourite Doctor. So I reluctantly headed over to put on They Might Be Giants' ode to slumber entitled "Bed Bed Bed," which is unbelievably catchy and is the sonic equivalent of a quadruple shot espresso before bed.
"The day is done
The sun is down
The curtains have been drawn
And darkness has descended over everything in town
The covers have been turned and I've got my pajamas on
I've had my fun
I've stretched and yawned and all is said and done
I'm going to bed
Bed bed bed bed bed"
A lovely song, particularly if you can imagine cows playing trumpets while loudly eating milkshakes with little bells on their hooves.
The song finished, sweat dripped; I ordered them to follow the lyrics and obey the song.
But Daddy!
one said.
Can we just listen to Bob Dylan?
No.
I said.
Go to bed.
Okay.
they said.
And tromped off, finally.
Daddy!
one said.
Can you turn the lamp on?
Okay.
I said.
Daddy!
from far off.
Can I have some water?
Sure.
I said.
And got it.
Daddy!
one yelled.
I have to go to the bathroom, can you meet me there?
Fine.
I said.
And waited until I realised he was pretending to sleep.
No!
I said.
You are not sleeping on the toilet tonight.
And headed to the living room to sit on the couch and relax for the first time in fourteen months.
Daddy!
I heard far off as my sitting down was paralyzed, then reversed.
Can I read one book?
No.
I said.
Go to bed.
Daddy?
I heard.
Can I read a stack of books in the morning?
Probably.
I yelled at the top of my lungs.
Daddy?
The faux-angelic voice floated down the hallway.
Can I draw for a little bit?
Maybe I'll put on some Deftones for goodnight lullabyes.
Good night, universe. Hope your weekend has been splendid.
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