ADVICE : KINDNESS, QUESTIONS, TOILET PAPER.

Three pieces of advice for today:

1. Be kind. At least try. The effort is worth it, I hear.

2. Ask questions about anything that doesn't make sense. And don't settle for ridiculous, stupid, non-contextual, or incomplete answers. Especially if they're a combination of all four.

3. If you're going into a public restroom - or really, any restroom that's not in your own home - and there's a possibility that you'll need toilet paper while you're in that restroom, then check immediately upon entering to make sure that it has (unused) toilet paper. It is a good thing to be certain of at the beginning, rather than the end.

Mazel tov, world. Be brave.

QUESTION : Favourite Rendition of 'O Holy Night?'

KISS A FREE, YOUNG MARTIAN AMERICAN.

My daughter just posed one of the best - and most important - questions of all time.* It went like this:

"Whose music do you like more?

she asked.

Prince or David Bowie?

She is very upset at me for not having a definitive answer. Anyone have a clear preference?

I lost two bucket list items already this year. Never saw either one live. 😢

Favourite?
____

*I started to say "of this year," but she demanded I state it as "of all time."

IOWA.

It used to be Star Wars. And sometimes still is. But now our evenings are filled with queries, observations, op-eds, and diatribes of the political sort (at this juncture, Palpatine and crew seem more palatable than many real life counterparts in the Senate, as well as those running who have only a vague notion of what a Senate is). Anyway, the campaign has filled our household with vigorous proclamations and many, many, MANY trips to the mirror by our five-year old to comb out hair, squint eyes, purse lips, and practice faux-Trumpspeak, though he sounds more like a gravel-throated Jeff Spicoli auditioning for a Smurfs commercial. It is not homage.

I am compositing a handful of our son's comments and statements over the last 24-hour period. Why? Because. It's never too early to start paying attention to your country's governings and processes.

...POLITIK 2016.

"YES!! (pumps fist, yells at dinner table upon hearing early numbers from Iowa). Bernie Sandrews is defeating Donald Trump AND Ted Cruz because he has 49! Daddy, can I look up funny pictures of Donald Trump? When I see a picture of him it just cracks me out. Can I look up pictures of Donald Trump punching a beach ball? Can I see if there's any pictures that are half Donald Trump half Ted Cruz? Does Donald Trump have a mom? If he does is she nicer than him? Is Ben Carson still a doctor since he picked himself to be president? What will he do for work if he's not President? Can he still be a doctor? Would people still call him doctor if he was president? Why doesn't he still want to be a doctor? Ted Cruz sounds like Kermit the frog. Why does Donald Trump not like Ted Cruz? Why does Ted Cruz sound so mean? I wish I could vote because I would vote for Bennie Sandrews because he's the oldest and says the most good things. I might vote for Rand Paul too, but probably Bernie Sandrews. Or both. What is Donald Trump's father's name? Was he not very nice either? How old do you have to be to be President? What if Ted Cruz was one hundred and sixty-five years old?"

And so on. Adults: don't think your meanness goes unnoticed, and it is not excused because you are in pursuit of a higher office to 'do good.' You are on notice.

Ecraison l'infante. Good night, and good luck to all.

QUESTION: John Denver or James Taylor?

Raleigh Clough JT every time!
October 24 at 6:03pm · Unlike · 2

Matt Nutter Jim Croce
October 24 at 6:08pm · Unlike · 1

Joseph Long There are two options. Talking to you, Matt. 
Neither would be in my top listening choices, but I do have a strong preference for one over the other 
October 24 at 6:09pm · Like

Joseph Long ...and Matt, feel free to go with Jim when it's him or Yusuf Islam.
October 24 at 6:10pm · Like · 1

J Matthew McKern James Taylor. No contest.
October 24 at 7:15pm · Unlike · 2

Holly Irland Dovich James Taylor.
October 24 at 7:20pm · Unlike · 1

Jaimy Oettel Hill I've always been a jOhn Denver fan!
October 24 at 7:23pm · Unlike · 1

Troy Scholz That's s a tough one! I love the Scotsman song that John Denver did, but I also love me some Steamroller Blues by James Taylor 
October 24 at 7:31pm · Unlike · 1

John Jutzy JT!
October 24 at 9:38pm · Unlike · 1

Joseph Long I want to like James Taylor, but honestly, he's one of those musical sacred cows that I'm still not a big fan of - my experience with both fellows is mainly through their 'big hits,' as opposed to digging deep into their catalogs, but if I was to listen to JT's classics (not Timberlake) versus JD's...I'd go Rocky Mountain Montana Skies for sure.

James definitely takes the cool cat credentials though. And if anybody can give a couple track recommendations beyond his hits that might evolve my thoughts of him...let me know. Glad to have my opinion changed 
October 24 at 10:51pm · Like

Holly Irland Dovich I love Frozen Man by JT.
October 24 at 10:52pm · Unlike · 1

J Matthew McKern You may be right, Joseph, but in this case he benefits from the competition.
October 24 at 10:52pm · Unlike · 1

Joseph Long Thanks Holly - I will take a listen or two 
October 24 at 10:52pm · Like

Holly Irland Dovich Let me know what you think...
October 24 at 10:53pm · Unlike · 1

Joseph Long J Matthew McKern C'mon, that's mean!  JD may have had a quadruple dose of over-sincere earnestness and I probably wouldn't ever have him in my Top Dinner Guest picks, but the guy had his musical moments! 

But yeah, I'm not gonna defend either one too vociferously. I'll save my aggressive defenses for anyone speaking ill of Neil Diamond...
October 24 at 10:57pm · Like · 1

J Matthew McKern Ba Ba Ba
October 24 at 11:05pm · Unlike · 1

Raleigh Clough This is a more obscure track JT did a few years back that I really like for quiet times. 

http://youtu.be/BytiU_2MU-A

The Prayer Cycle: Movement V - Grace
Father won't you carry me For the oceans wide Father won't you carry me For my boat is so small. Father on a moonless...
YOUTUBE.COM
October 24 at 11:19pm · Unlike · 2 · Remove Preview

Jeffrey Townsend I can't believe this is even a discussion! JT is a gifted artist with SO much to say! "Never Die Young!" I'll have to try to find an interview with him that was shot for a laserdisc (!) of him and his band prepping an album and tour in a barn on Martha's Vineyard...
October 25 at 6:16am · Unlike · 3

Joy Muth Fackenthall That's an impossible choice!
October 25 at 6:45am · Unlike · 1

Joseph Long Jeffrey, I would like to see the interview...but I already think he's a cool cat with a good vibe. The lore and legend surrounding him is inescapable evidence of his genuine hipness and likeability. He's an icon, a sacred cow! He's been on The Simpsons...See More
October 25 at 6:50am · Like · 1

Joseph Long *Beatles
October 25 at 6:51am · Like

Lee Long
October 25 at 12:25pm · Unlike · 1

Lee Long John Denver: I like playing some of his stuff in head sometimes. I don't dislike JR, maybe it's just that I heard him swear on a movie once. I'm pretty sensitive to that kind of thing.
October 25 at 12:25pm · Unlike · 1

GABRAHAM LINCOLN.

Daddy.
he said.
When it gets really dark tonight, can I come sleep with you guys?


Yep.
I said.

Actually.
he said.
Should I go lay in your bed now so I don't have to get out of my bed and walk over during the night?

It's okay, buddy.
I said.
I can come get you when you wake up during the night.

Well...
he said.
Can I please just go lay in your bed now because I want to?

Well.
I said.
If you pass a quiz.

Okay.
he said.
What is the question?

The first question,
I said.
Is this: what is the country of Mesopotamia called now?

Iraq.
he said.

Good.
I said.
Question two: what is another word for "humans?"

Homo sapiens.
he said.

Correct.
I said.
Number three: what is one thing the Sumerians invented?

Umm...
he said.
Horses for farming?

Well...
I said.
Close enough. Four: what is the name of the guy who came up with the Three Laws of Motion?

Umm...
he thought hard.
Is it the same as the man who invented the light bulb?

Nope.
I said. It's not Thomas Edison. His name starts with an "I."

Oh.
he said.
Isaac Newton?

Yep.
I said.
And what is the first Law of Motion?

Is it...
he asked.
When an apple is on a tree and something else makes it start moving and it drops on someone's head?

Sort of.
I said.
We'll count it. Last question: who was the first President of the United States?

(This was the softball lob)

Umm...
he thought hard.
Abraham Lincoln.

Nope.
I said.
One more chance. You know who it is. His name starts with a "G."

Ohhh...
he said, grin spreading big.
Gabraham Lincoln!

Hahaha!
I laughed uproariously.
That's hilarious! But seriously: no. Sorry.

Do I pass the quiz?
he asked.

Not really.
I said.

I carried him to our bed and dumped him on it, burying him under two mountains of covers and left his grinning little messy face peering up. I don't know if it's the right thing to do. Technically, he failed. But you know...even Gabraham Lincoln had some early missteps. And he turned out decent. So I'm holding out hope. Holding out for a hero. At least until the end of the night.

And he's gotta be strong and fast and larger than life.

Happy week ahead, universe. Or should I say...guniverse?

FIVE: PROBABLY, NO, USUALLY, WHY NOT?, NO, YES (FIVE QUESTIONS OVER 24 HOURS FROM A FOUR-YEAR OLD).

1. Can we watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for Christmas?

2. Can we do some fireworks in the house?

3. Do guards really guard stuff?

4. Can I build a new house today in the front yard? Will you help me? Can we move all our stuff into the new house today?

5a. Can I make a recipe? I'll make dessert. Can you get the sugar for me please? Where's the chocolate?!

5b. Can you come read a book with me in bed? You can read Matthew Looney and I'll draw while you're reading.
____

I love good questions.

PARTY CENTRAL, VEEP.

When I was a kid, I was at a friend's house and, being the curious and snoopy person I (still) am, asked what a particular room was with the door just cracked open.

"Oh, we can't go in there," he said. "That's my parent's bedroom. We don't ever go in there."

Which I was thinking about this morning as I was snuggling with my wife for a few extra minutes and was brought to reality by the repetition of a homemade Thor's hammer (1x3 wood, shoe box, colored duck tape) being brought down mercilessly over and over by a vicious grinning child. On my body. Again and again. The worst shrilling of an actual alarm clock seems almost peaceful in comparison. But it did make me curious about the family policies of parents-in-general and the allowing or disallowing of children within this space. I think I accidentally heard, long ago, that one radio woman who knows everything about relationships and men and women and children refer to parents' bedrooms as a 'sacred place,' or something of the sort, and loud as I laughed then, it pales to the humor I feel now in imagining our bedroom to be more sanctuary and less...circus.

But seriously, I'm so curious about different parental policies concerning kids in the bedroom, at any point. Just curious.

And a happy Labor Day, especially to those who are spending it in labor or Labor.

VEEP.

Our daughter just referred to me as "the Vice President of our family."

I'm collecting my thoughts on this. It's not so much that it was said as an insult or as a compliment; it's that it was simply stated as...reality. Oh well. At least I'm married to the Commander-in-Chief.

FIVE OBSERVATIONS AND QUESTIONS ABOUT (MOSTLY) FOOD FROM OUR SON.

1.
Daddy?
he asked with affected casualness.
I'm hungry. Can I please have some sugar?

2.
Daddy?
he said earnestly.
I want to make you a special recipe. Can you please get me some chocolate popsicles?

3.
Daddy?
he informed me intently.
I was planning to make cupcakes for supper...where is the brown sugar?

4.

You know what?
he asked, talking to whoever might be listening.
I don't really care for cotton candy.
It sticks to my mouth.

5a. 

Can I make coffee?
he asked, getting the grinder out.
I love coffee.

5b. 

Can I open up the microwave?
he inquired, already pulling the handle.
I really want to make something.

5c.

If there was saltwater in the toilet, could a fish live in it?
he asked.

5d.

Could I stand up in the toilet?
he asked, continuing the thought.

5e.
If I fell in the toilet,
he asked, completing the question-triptych.
Would I go down the little hole?

I don't know.
I said.
I guess it would depend on how many cupcakes you had eaten.

QUESTION: LAKE, RIVER, OR OCEAN?

Post by Joseph Long.

FIVE QUESTIONS ABOUT ANIMALS OUR FOUR-YEAR OLD SON HAS.

1. Would a rabbit get away if a warthog was chasing it?

2. Are most reptiles vegetarian?

3. What do flies do again? Do they just fly around, or do they do anything else?

4. What can jump higher: a spitting cobra or a rattlesnake?

5. Daddy, would you be strong enough to cut down a tree if you had a broken bone?
____

I had a good answer for one and vague responses for the rest.

TWO-PART QUESTION?

Post by Joseph Long.

FIVE QUERIES BY MY SON THAT ONCE AGAIN PROVE THAT THE IMPORTANT PART IS USUALLY THE QUESTION; A LESSON ADULTS OUGHT TO REMEMBER.

1. "What is bigger: a light saber, or the whole wide world?
2. What is sharper: a wolverine's claw, or a grasshopper?
3. What is longer: a board or a drill?
4. What can fly better: a grasshopper or Spider-man?
5. What is faster: Luke Skywalker or a frog?

Oh, he is his father's son.

QUESTION: 80s power ballad of the day?

Post by Joseph Long.

QUESTION: Favourite rainy afternoon tunes?

Post by Joseph Long.

____

Are you married to someone who brings home hot chocolate & whipped cream, speaks Pirate prolifically, and casually references Iron Maiden in conversation?

I am. Happy weekend, all. Already is for me.

____

IS THIS LOVE?

FRAME THE QUESTION CORRECTLY, AND YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE A GOOD ANSWER.

Daddy,
my son asked.
What do you think is bigger: an alligator or a cow?

What an excellent query,
I said.
I suppose it depends what the metric for measurement is. Are we talking weight, or height, or length?...

I don't know.
He said.
I think that a horse is bigger.

QUESTION: What is your soundtrack for this lovely Saturday / Shabbat morning?

Post by Joseph Long.

BOY WITH GIRL ON FLINTSTONE BICYCLE.

FIVE REALIZATIONS: DEUS EX MACHINA EDITION, PLUS A DISCUSSION OF CURSIVE.

Boy eating ice cream before father swoops in to assist.

1a.
This has gone on long enough. Someday, I will remember to bring my own (sharp) knives to Spaghetti Factory.

2.
Which reminds me: I have a suspicion that Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events just might be the best series of books ever written, and believe me, I have read at least a billion books in my life so far. 

I am fighting, strongly, the urge to cheat on my children and read on ahead. Book 8, The Vile Village, is one of the best yet - what other pseudo-children's series can you think of where the protagonists engage in ongoing dialogue about the meaning of deus ex machina?

(Which is: a classic storytelling device in which a seemingly impossible situation is abruptly solved by the sudden appearance of a contrived plot device. Oh, our heroine is about to fall off a cliff. Oh no! But fortunately...that helicopter randomly flying by is able to rescue her. Catastrophe averted. Or: oh no! The hero's sword just broke and the evil ninjas are about to defeat him...but look! Someone left a flamethrower laying around, so looks like he's gonna make it agree all. Deus ex machina: "god in the machine." No matter how horrible the situation, you can always pull the puppet strings and write your way out of it.)

Brilliant, absolutely top-notch storytelling that is frequently so maddeningly hilarious that I start laughing and getting angry I didn't write it first. So, so good. For children, for adults, for everyone who appreciates adventure, witty humor, and sad endings.

2, ii.
Inexplicably, I love - LOVE - "The Ballad of Michael Valentino" by the Killers, off 2011's Sawdust.

3a.
I will love you no matter how old I am, even when I'm a hundred and three.
I told my son.

Well Daddy,
he said.
When you're a hundred and three then you might not look like my Daddy anymore.

Well,
I said.
When I'm a hundred and three, then you might be bald, and that would be funny.

Oh.
He said. 
How does Hulk go to the bathroom? His bottom is too big to fit on the toilet.

Truthfully,
I replied (an unnecessary preface),
That is probably the best question I've been asked all week.
And honestly, I do not know, but I want to know.

Oh.
He said.
Me too.

4. 
We spent too much time discussing the Winter Olympics last month, as evidenced by the UNO game we played this week. First off, I am disgruntled because it was supposed to be a quick match; an obligatory game before launching into the cinematic delight of Scorcese's Hugo. Rather, this match reminded me of why I refuse to play Monopoly: this UNO game lasted hours.* At the end, there was a medal count, which I attempted to disrupt. My wife took the Gold, my son accidentally got Silver, and my daughter and I duked it out for Bronze. I refuse to disclose the final results, but let's just say if there were podiums, I would have been standing on the floor.

Total failure was averted by the killer playlist I soundtracked the match with, which I began before we begun:

Lana Del Rey
Eleanor Friedberger
Ennio Morricone
the Killers
Alt-j

I don't mind losing, I just don't like other people winning.

*seemed like hours

Happy weekend, all 

THE GLEANER (HOMAGE TO Agnès Varda).

CURSIVE.

Post by Joseph Long.

THE LAST ______.

Does anyone else say "supper" anymore?

Post by Joseph Long.

MUSIC: FAVOURITE VALENTINE'S DAY MELODIES?

Post by Joseph Long.