SHOPPING WITH ELVES.

I have vague memories from long long ago of going holiday shopping without personal assistants. Those must have been dark times, because I can barely recall them. Thank goodness for the help I have now. Good help is hard to find, particularly when it’s crawling away to the Graphic Novels section of a bookstore. Happy happy, all. _____ #christmasshopping #books #44books

A post shared by Joseph Long (@josephivanlong) on Dec 15, 2017 at 10:45pm PST

BABY BJORNS, GORILLAPODS, SPONSORSHIPS?

Some athletes get sponsored by Burton or Nike. I don't know that deals with those brands are in my future, but I wouldn't be be surprised at all if @babybjorn and @gorillapod.official come tapping on my door. With my trusty BabyBjorn and a Gorillapod or two, I'll take a gaggle of tiny humans pretty much anywhere. Ball's in your court, guys, pretty much guarantee nobody runs your products any harder than I do. :) And a shout to @traderjoes Vancouver. They are so awesome. So awesome. ____ #evel0 #babybjorn #gear #childrening #traderjoes

A post shared by Joseph Long (@josephivanlong) on Apr 28, 2017 at 11:22pm PDT

KEEP THIS IN MIND: A BRIEF SUMMARY OF MY SON'S QUESTIONS AND OBSERVATIONS ON OUR COSTCO TRIP.

"I wish we lived at Costco. They have a lot of stuff. I love sugar. Can
I have a cookie please? Can we get a sample? Are these types of cookies good for my throat? Can we keep them in mind to buy? I really want to save up for a fire engine. Am I little or big? I'm scared of thunder and lightning but Sissy isn't. If I had a scimitar I would chop the lightning up. I sort of like soy milk, but mostly I like chocolate milk. When I'm six can I watch Batman? Hey! There's Despicable Me, we've only seen a preview, can I get it?"

- No.

"Okay, can we keep it in mind? Can I watch bad parts in movies when I'm three? Because I'm three now and if you're three then you're big. I wish I was a knight. My favourite kind of sword is a scimitar. Are burglars good or bad? I sort of like dolls. Can we get an American Girl toy? Can we keep it in mind? Hey! A dinosaur book! Spider-man drawing pencils! A bug set! Can we get them? ...

...or can we keep them in mind?"

- Yes.
I said, smiling.
We'll keep them in mind.

Happy Christmas, all. Be nice extra nice to people in long lines this week.


ABRAHAM HIPPOPOTAMUS LINCOLN LOG.

"Children,"

I began,
"in a rare moment of niceness, I just want to tell you how much - "

My son cut me off aggressively.
"Daddy, please don't say 'thank you for being wonderful kids' again. I'm tired of you saying that. Please don't say that we're wonderful anymore."

His sister assented.
I returned to my quiet reverie of driving and listening to them play Twenty Questions in which the answer was frequently either a hippopotamus or Abraham Lincoln.


Happy Mondays.

Not Chips off the Old Block, But You Can Always Re-Program

I was passing the snacks section in Costco when I overheard a 40ish guy grumbling to his wife about their kids not liking Fritos. I, of course, took this as my cue to join the conversation.

-What do you mean, they don't like Fritos?
I asked, leaning in.

They looked at me, and the fellow eagerly welcomed me into their familial debate.

"Our kids don't like Fritos. Can you believe that? Who doesn't like Fritos?!"

-That's ridiculous!
I agreed.
How does ANYONE not like Fritos?

She piped in:
"You're taking his side?"

-Of course!
I said.
Don't tell me you don't like Fritos either?!

"Oh no, I like them. It's our kids who don't."
(she pointed at her husband)
"He just gets worked up about it."

- Yeah, he should!
I said.
I mean, if they don't like Fritos, then what alternative is there?

He raised his hands in cheery, thunderous frustration.
"There IS NO ALTERNATIVE!"

- Good point.
I agreed.

"What we've gotta do, is re-program them. Set 'em straight."
He said, with hope.

- You really do,
I agreed again.

"They're so stupid,"
He said with good cheer,
and I could tell he is a good dad.

- Yeah, they really are,
I agreed again.
You've gotta re-program them.

"Yeah. I'm gonna re-program them. Who doesn't like Fritos?"

-Next year, 
I said.
Next year, I will meet you guys here. Same time, same place. Let me know how the re-programming goes.

"You got it!"

I walked away, and felt good about helping them out with their stupid kids.

The Unrestrictive Construction of Constrictors in Shopping Cart

In celebration of the holiday weekend,
his Mum gave him a drawing notebook,
one for the road, and he lost himself in it.

Frenetically, methodically constructing
narrative illustrations of aliens, backpack-wearing, tree-climbing bad guys,
and a constrictor.

The world passed him by,
and he was the sun.

Then we went inside and bought spinach.

PRINCIPIA MATHEMATICA.
Full-on bragging mode coming up: We were discussing mathematics and I asked my son what ONE PLUS ONE is...and guess what?!!

...he ALMOST got it correct!

Not even three years old, and he is already learning how to wildly guess with confidence.

Sniff.

QUESTION.
Sigourney Weaver in Aliens or Linda Hamilton in Terminator?

(No substituting your own mom)

Happy Mom's Day weekend kickoff! Thank goodness for strong women looking out for us.

MOM'S MUSIC.
Mother's Day weekend melody recommendations? Songs only (not albums or artists).

Tom Waits Long Way Home,
Nina Simone's Love Me or Leave Me,
Mates of State's Like U Crazy,
Louis Armstrong & Duke Ellington's It Don't Mean a Thing,
Weezer's Don't Let Go, 
the Knife's You Take my Breath Away, and
Carole King's Beautiful

are the starting point. 

Thanks! Now go take yo mama an iced beverage.

MEADOW OF BERUNA.

"Go make yourselves useful in the forest,"

I said.

"Go work. Go build me a fortress."

Construction has commenced, but blades are dull and the distracting siren call of poisonous bugs is strong. I fear my forest dwelling is a distant dream.

SAD.

I don't remember if this was a garage sale or a moving day. There was just so much going on that I don't remember. But I sure miss having my little sister live closer.

So maybe it wasn't a garage sale.

September the 30th (the sun pranced in for goodbye)

Johannes and I hung around Anthropologie for a bit. Checked out some books, jotted down some ideas for combining 2x4 sculptures with fabric, then hit the streets to smile at strangers, chase birds, and read more books at Powell's.

Lively cohort, conversationalist, and urban adventurer.

Books I have not read and people I have not yet met.

Just don't get chrome that looks like this.

Current listening: Joseph Arthur's Graduation Ceremony. Das Racist. Men Without Hats. Benny Goodman.

I love Portland's parking garages, though I hate to pay for parking in them.

We spotted an automobile, and felt strongly it was driven by somebody who smelled good.

Not an eagle.

Love them.

Love their beds.

Love her.

Like these placemats. We will probably make our own now.

If You See the Third One, You've Gone Too Far

I love your scarf! Where did you get it?

Oh, thank you. I got it at Costco.


How much was it?


It's about a...size four, or size five. That's about what I wear right now.    
         I'm four now.


Sweet. How much did it cost?


About, umm, one dollar.


Not bad! I'll have to pick one up.


Actually, it was two dollars.


Well, that's still a pretty good deal.


Actually, it was three dollars.


Uhh...that's starting to get a little spendy.


Okay. It was only two dollars.


I can handle that. How do I get to Costco from here?


Let's see...first you take a left, then you go north. Then there there are 
         two apple trees. Just turn after the second apple tree, and there Costco is.

Holiday Nonsense