FIVE THOUGHTS ON AIR TRAVEL.

1. Personally, I think smoking on planes isn't such a great idea, but as a non-smoker I'm not sure how much my opinion counts. I think it's strongly suggested that you don't, and I don't think you actually can, except maybe in the bathrooms, but I'm not sure, and that might not be a brilliant idea either.

2. I always get scared* when I see flight attendants handing drinks to passengers over open laptops. I haven't seen one spill and wipe out a MacBook yet, but I'm sure it happens. So what's the liability?

3. I've noticed that First Class passengers tend to use profanity more than others. I haven't scientifically checked this. It might be a classic scenario, as Dr. Leo Marvin might suggest, of latent guilt overcompensation onset. I don't know, I'm only halfway through DSM-5.

2b. My special flying drink is:
To very nicely beg the flight attendant for TWO drinks:
- 1 - orange juice, with seven ice cubes
- 2 - Bloody Mary mix with nine ice cubes, which is basically spicy V-8, but better, and healthier.

2c. Electronic boarding passes are so great.

2d. Sometimes I unlatch my seatbelt sneakily after they tell everyone to latch them, and so far I haven't fallen out, but I guess, like their preference for no smoking, it's probably best to follow their suggestions, although I still don't understand why school buses don't have seatbelts.

4a. I don't like being gone long from my wife, but when I am, I love talking to her on the phone because it reminds me of how much I love her voice. Seriously, she has a great voice to listen to, and if you need a pick-me-up some day, then I can message you an audio file of her saying something funny, or reading passages from a Fannie Flagg book.

4b. I missed my children terribly when I was away; a couple days** after I had left, my son realised I was gone and started asking about me. Upon my return, he clutched his beloved mother tightly and asked if my next trip could please be for a thousand days.

"Little butthead,"
I muttered quietly.***

3b. COMPLETELY SHALLOW THOUGHT PROCESS AS PEOPLE HEAD DOWN THE AISLE AND I LOVINGLY HOARD THE EMPTY SEAT NEXT TO ME:
"Please please please please please please please NOT that person...or that one...or that one."

3bii. PLAYLIST, reading:
- Henry James "Brooksmith"
- E.M. Forster "The Other Side of the Hedge"
- V.S. Pritchett "The Saint"
- Dorothy Parker "The Standard of Living"

3c. PLAYLIST, listening on the descent:
- Deafheaven "Vertigo"
- Omar Souleyman "Warni Warni"
- David Bowie "The Next Day"
- Phosphorescent "Ride On/Right On"

1b. If I was Supreme Airline Travel Chief, I might consider making it a requirement that people shower before flying, though unfortunately that would do little to help me as I write this; the gentleman two rows over obviously has a very busy and successful life and has been unable to schedule in a bathe for the last week or five.

5. Thank you, Orville and Wilbur.

*nervous
**hours
***not quietly